Category Archives: Beckworth Police

“Cinderella’s” Glove Found

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Hello. Following the discovery last week of a “Cinderella like glass slipper” in the park today a “matching” glove has been found resting by the zebra crossing between the betting shop and the pawn shop. Thankfully there are no signs of a violent struggle on the pavement (side-walk to our American residents) to imply a mugging by Romanian beggars nor are there skid-marks on the road to suggest kidnap. Although the glove and shoe don’t have a name written inside, it is safe to assume the two belong to the same owner. The high street is currently sealed off and being “dusted for clues” by forensics, but we need your help with this mysterious “Cinderella” case. Have you see a lady, or transvestite, lose a shoe and glove recently? Are you harbouring a friend or relative who has a habit of losing clothing? Maybe you yourself are in denial due to beatings from a wicked stepmother or have ugly sisters who are constantly taking your footwear and mittens? If so ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be single-handedly handling this dangerous case and hope to be in line for a large reward when I find who the owner. I’ll keep you posted on the case as it happens. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

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(Above) Cinderella’s glove found by the betting office

Real Cinderella “Glass Slipper” Found

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Hello. Big news in the police station this morning as a “Cinderella like glass slipper” has been found in a tree by an observant member of the public. The “crystal footwear” was firmly lodged into the lower branches of an elm (or it could be an oak or fir… to be honest trees aren’t my strong point) in Noakes Park near the disused Timmy Mallet memorial fountain. The “slipper”, or to be accurate, black leather lace-up brogue, is thought to have been thrown in anger during a lovers tiff, or just accidentally fallen off during a climbing incident, and is currently being “dusted for prints” by forensics. The whole park has been sealed off for public safety and we are appealing for witnesses. Are you, or someone you know, hobbling around with only one shoe on? Have you lost your favourite footwear and as a consequence can’t go to the supermarket, or to a ball? Do you have ugly sisters who are really cross-dressing men or an evil stepmother who makes you do unpaid cooking and cleaning? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be single-handedly handling this perplexing case and hope to be in line for a very large cash reward when I find who the “slipper” fits. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

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(Above) “Cinderella’s glass slipper” found earlier today in the park

Missing MI5 Computer Found

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Hello. I just thought i’d share the fantastic news that this morning local Police (namely me) have probably found the missing computer belonging to an absent-minded MI5 agent (Government spy). A bit of detective work had me literally falling over it outside a house belonging to hardman Vinnie Jones. The spy, simply known as Jerry, left his laptop computer containing all this country’s Most Top Secret files on a train after he got drunk at a leaving do last Friday. He was worried it might fall into the wrong hands (i.e. A foreign spy might find it, or worse, it might get sold on Ebay) so obviously i’ll be in line for a big cash reward and maybe even a knighthood for finding it. I’ll keep you posted once i’ve contacted the lost property bit of MI5. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

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(Above) The missing MI5 computer found today in the street outside Vinnie Jone’s house

Little Terry Found. Again

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Hello. I am very pleased to announce that after much sterling detective work on my part the stolen miniature Terence Nutkin statue has been found alive and well just half a mile from the court room where it was stolen. After a tip off from the Antiques Roadshow’s Fiona Bruce the 12″ high sculpure was spotted for sale (at a reasonable £250) at a local “bootfair” and captured by myself with help from the riot squad. This is the second time Little Terry has been stolen and recovered, although this time the statue appears to have put on some weight and grown his hair during his ordeal, had his broken-off arm expertly reattached and had his little willy covered by a large leaf. The owner of the “boot” denies wrong-doing but has been arrested and bail denied due to the seriousness of this crime. Sculptor, and Nutkin’s creator, Chris Evans was very relieved at finding his “offspring” but said to me “Are you sure it’s the same ruddy statue?” I assured Chris by showing him the photographed evidence (below) and then closed the case, which means the trial of the first theft can now resume. PC R Cowgrove

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(Above Left) The Terence Nutkin statue before it’s recent theft and
looking relaxed (Above Right) after it’s recovery

Watch Out For Little Terence Nutkin

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Hello. It is with a heavy heart that I am once again putting out an appeal for the recovery of the town’s 12″ Terence Nutkin statue. The priceless plaster-of-paris model was made to visualise the full-scale statue, currently being carved out of bronze, and is said to be worth over £75. “It’s a unique little model, the only one in existence” says scuptor, and local celeb Chris Evans “I can easily knock up another, but it’ll cost the council over a grand.” Due to the nature of Nutkin’s disappearance from the Beckworth Courts Of Law I have commissioned a 21st century aid to find him. Local Police artist, and comedian, Rory Bremner has drawn an artists impression of the little Terry Nutkin and I will be leafletting the life-like image around Beckworth on my bike. Due to the seriousness of the crime the Police station will be open 24/7 for anyone keen to help with our enquiries (The station is of course closed on Saturday and Sunday and between 6pm and 9.30am on weekdays) . If you want to snitch on anyone about the crime, or have nicked it yourself, ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove. I’m all over this horrific case, so rest easy it will get solved without too much bloodshed. PC R Cowgrove

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(Above) A police artists impression of the missing 12″ Terence Nutkin statue

Very Serious: Lost & Found

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Blimey, what a busy day we’re having at the police station today, and all because  Beckworth’s high-security prison lost some of it’s inmates during an open day last week. So we’ve been called in to round ‘em up. HMP Septonville houses some of the UK’s most infamous criminals and it appears that a few of the scumbags (about 136 at last count) did a bunk on Friday by tieing up and swapping clothes with the unsuspecting visiting public and going awol with their cars. So we’re putting out a UK wide appeal (it’ll even be on CrimeWatch!), for everyone to be on the look out for violent criminals disguised as the general public. Have you noticed that your neighbours have suddenly moved without warning and the new ones are a bunch of large shaven-headed men who have been using threatening behaviour? Maybe your relatives have changed physical appearance over the weekend and have been stealing from you? If you think your wife is now a muscular bald axe-murderer please let us know. Needless to say please don’t approach these pretend members of the general public as they may be dangerous and quite angry. Also, and of equal seriousness, we’ve had another trumpet found in the town which i’ve added to our haul of brass instruments. Is it yours? Could it be part of the prison break? To impart valuable information about either crime, ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove. I’m leading both horrific cases and won’t rest until they’re solved (although i do have holiday booked next week so don’t bother me then). PC R Cowgrove

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(Above) Some of the missing ne’er-do-wells disguised as the public

A Stolen Stone Gathers No Moss

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Hello. This is a Police warning: Please be on your guard around ancient stone monuments, as it has been reported that one of our old prehistoric Hammerite Stones has been stolen from under our noses. For thousands of years Beckworth has boasted a bakers dozen of standing stones (13, which is more than most stone circles have) and now we are reduced to a normal dozen (12), which is bound to effect tourism. Plus we’ve a ruddy dangerous hole that will need concreting over. This is a heinous crime that is sweeping the country, which we believe is being committed by highly-organised gangs, who break down the stones to make into gravel (highly prized for use in ornamental gardens or on posh driveways). If you see someone pilfering large stone objects or offering you cheap gravel that’s fallen off the back of a lorry, waste no time and dial 999. Let’s nip this rubble-based crime in the bud before it’s too late and someone get’s maimed or even seriously killed. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

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(Above) A police artist’s impression of the missing Hammerite Stone

Hero Finds Missing Tank

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I’m pleased to announce that a major crime has been solved today by Beckworth Police. The missing, presumed stolen, tank has been found alive and well by army officer, local celeb and star of The Bill, Ross Kemp. He has repatriated the vehicle for use hunting down local resident Fern Britain’s escaped pets. So the tank is in safe hands and no harm’s been done. Plus, there’s no need to ring 999 if you see Mr Kemp driving across fields and firing the tank’s large gun. I for one am most relieved the case can be closed and wish more residents were as community minded as Ross. He even sent a picture to my phone of him and the tank! PC R Cowgrove

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(Above) Ross Kemp in his search for lost pets

Good News And Bad News

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Being an equal opportunities police force, we aim to bring you good and bad crime reports in equal measures. So, today we have good news; a ukulele has been handed in at the police station. It was found abandoned near St Faiths church, so perhaps belongs to someone in the choir? They must have noticed it’s gone as it’s rather large. I’ll put it with the other brass instruments we’ve got in lost property until the rightful owner shows up, or the clumsy thief hands themself in. The bad news is that no one has seen the stolen tank yet. If you do find a tank in your garden, or are part of the musical instrument robbery gang, please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I’m hoping that both cases will net a tidy sum, in cash, as a reward. PC R Cowgrove

PS I’ve just been told it’s actually called a euphonium, this is what it looks like

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Missing: A Tank

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Please be on the lookout for a missing tank. The army think it was stolen from the playing fields sometime betweem midday Saturday and 11am this morning, when they noticed it had gone. It may be hard to spot as it is painted in a camouflage pattern, but please be vigilant. It’s probably just kid’s messing around so don’t be too worried (and it’s only loaded with blanks). If you do track it down please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, maybe the army will offer a cash reward for spotting it which we could divvy up? PC R Cowgrove