Hello. This is an update for all of you closely following the Stag Do Massacre case which PC Rozzer and myself are working tirelessly on, when we’re not in the garden keeping slugs off our onions. Just when we thought we’d seen the last of the clues to this murder an intriguing new one pops up. And not just any clue. A breakthrough clue! A discarded black belt, as worn by Kung Fu experts. So we now know that a member of the 30 strong Stag Do Massacre gang is a black belt in karate. The leather belt was found by an observant member of the public on the path leading to Lover’s Lane. The path is currently cordoned off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad blow up the belt, as they believe it to be booby trapped. This vital clue, deliberately left by the Groom’s Old Kung Fu School Pal (Let’s call him Ming for the purposes of our case), was probably meant as a coded message for us to back off as we’re getting close to rounding the violent gang up. But Rozzer and me aren’t intimidated by the Stag Do Massacre gang, so Ming’s wasting his time trying to scare us with belts. This sort of thing might work on crime shows but we’re made of tougher stuff here in Beckworth. And being tough means we need your help. Perhaps you know a tough guy called Ming who’s trousers keep falling down? Maybe you’ve done some kick-boxing with him but found him to be a bit over zealous? Or perhaps, you like me, you want to know if slug pellets really work? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case whilst attending to our vegetable plot. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The martial art’s black belt as found earlier today

Hello. Firstly let me wish you a happy Easter on behalf of the Stag Do Massacre crime team. I hope you’ve had a fine time like we did. We’ve spent a week chillaxing in Wales and then yesterday the team, PC Rozzer (my dog) and myself, had an Easter hunt in the police station yard, which was both excellent fun and honed our detective skills. This proved fortuitous as last night a vigilant flasher found another Stag Do tie whilst on his way to the scout hut car park to expose himself the doggers. This tie is of a similar type to the others, and we strongly believe this belongs to a member of the stag do that no one had actually invited along (every wedding has a mystery guest that no one knows, who eats more than fair share, tries to grope the bride’s drunk mother and everyone assumes is related to the other family). This tie was found very well hidden, casually thrown on a “Footpath Closed” sign by Thrush Alley. (Please don’t try to visit the alley as it has been sealed off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad perform a controlled explosion on the sign as they believe the grey nylon tie to be booby trapped). After some serious deduction we believe the distinctive neck-wear was discarded by the mystery guest as he tried to make his escape from the rest of the 30 strong Stag Do Massacre. He probably wanted to get away from the crime scene as he reckons he’s innocent. But obviously just by being with the murder gang he is guilty and faces a very long stretch inside. As they say crime doesn’t pay, unless you are involved fraud. But here’s where you can help… Perhaps you saw this mystery gang member making his escape? Do you know if he made it or was he bludgeoned by other gang members? Maybe you know the gang’s whereabouts (we believe some may have made it to Ibiza)? Are you harbouring unknown fugitives in your spare room or at your B&B that also offers dinner at a reasonable price? Or maybe you just saw the community-minded flasher last night and want to know where he bought his rather nice coat with the check-lining? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this major incident when we’re back at work tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The mystery guest’s tie found by an observant flasher last night

Hello. It’s been pretty quiet in Beckworth with regards to the Stag Do Massacre case this week. I was hoping to go to Ibiza to track down the suspects but due to the price of flights I will have to leave the detective abroad to the Ibizian Police. But it’s actually lucky I didn’t go anywhere, as today all hell broke lose. Whilst out on patrol with PC Rozzer (my dog) we came across a vital piece of evidence, another tie. I can’t actually remember if this the fourth or fifth, but that’s not really important. What is though is that this tie, grey like the others, holds vital clues in the form of a stain down the front. Also, it was found where you’d least expect neck wear to be hanging. On a speed limit sign. I deduced that this is a subliminal message cunningly left by the Groom’s clever young cousin. He’s obviously wanting to use it as a plea bargain when he’s convicted and reduce his life sentence down to 18 months. So the 30 is probably very significent. I’m working on the theory that it points to the cousin implying thirty people are involved in the murder, which by any stretch of the imagination is a lot. Most murders are carried out by so called “lone wolves” or by a couple of scoundrels. So maybe when this case is solved it will get in the Guinness Book of Records under “most murderers taking one life, accidentally” next to a photo of me and Rozzer. Anyway the tie will be kept as evidence and dusted for DNA, or at least it will once the anti-terrorist bomb-squad have blown it up as they believe it’s booby trapped. But we still need your help. Do you know one of the Stag Do Thirty? Maybe you’re one of them and want to “come in from the cold” by dobbing the rest in? Maybe you lent the groom’s cousin the tie and the stain could implicate you? Is it just tomato ketchup and not the groom’s dried blood? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this major incident, though we’ll be off duty over Easter having a well earned break at Wibblin’s Holiday camp in Wales. Who knows when we get back this case may have solved itself?. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The latest clue in the Stag Do Thirty murder case