Missing: A Tank

Posted on 20/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Please be on the lookout for a missing tank. The army think it was stolen from the playing fields sometime betweem midday Saturday and 11am this morning, when they noticed it had gone. It may be hard to spot as it is painted in a camouflage pattern, but please be vigilant. It’s probably just kid’s messing around so don’t be too worried (and it’s only loaded with blanks). If you do track it down please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, maybe the army will offer a cash reward for spotting it which we could divvy up? PC R Cowgrove

Little Terry Nutkin Found

Posted on 12/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Good news from Beckworth Police. We have found the 12″ high Terence Nutkin Statue which was stolen from the Town Hall. It was found alive and well in the caretaker’s cupboard where he claims he had put it for safe keeping. The caretaker, a Mr N.Penge, is currently helping us with our enquiries whilst we see what else we can fit him up for. I reckon he’s behind the heinous crime of all these brass instruments being found all over Beckworth, though he denies it. But let’s see what the water-boarding turns up. PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Little Trence Nutkin returned home safely

Serious Theft, Small Scale

Posted on 10/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Blimey, it’s all go at the station today, we’ve got a crime wave going on. This crime report has just come in: Please can you all be vigilant as a plucky thief has stolen a 12″ high Terence Nutkin Statue from the Town Hall. That’s right it’s 12 inches tall not 12 foot!! Why they made such an easily purloined pocket-sized statue is beyond me? Next time Mr Mayor put it in a locked case under armed guards, or better still make it life size, that way it will be easier to spot when stolen. The statue is described as being a sort of cream colour, made of plaster and it looks a bit like the late Mr Nutkin, but of course it’s a lot smaller than him. Anyway, please keep a look out for the Action Man sized Nutkin effigy as the council ain’t too happy about having lost it. If you find it ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, maybe the council will offer a reward for it’s safe recovery which we can share? PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Before, and after, the daring Nutkin miniature statue theft

Found: A Tenor Trombone

Posted on 10/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

A tenor trombone was found this morning round by the bins of Stroud’s Motor School in Floyd Street. The police, myself and PC S Cowgrove, were called and after sealing the street off and ascertaining the crime scene wasn’t booby trapped we took it back to the Police station, where it is waiting for inspection by CID. If you are missing a trombone (a tenor), were sneaking around the bins late last night or think you know someone who was, please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I am single-handedly handling this baffling case and now have a lost-property cupboard bulging at the seams with musical instruments of a brass nature.

PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Is this your missing trombone?

Sandal Owner Found

Posted on 09/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Just to let you know Beckworth detectives have now found the owner of the unisex Jesus sandal alive and well. The footwear was handed into police earlier this week and has since been claimed by local shop owner, and morris dancer, Mr C. Pinner. For those of you following the case the blood stain on the shoe turned out to be spilt paint, not coffee as stupidly suggested by another officer at the station. So we can now rule out Jesus and his followers from our enquiries about found brass instruments. Thankyou PC R. Cowgrove

(Above) Mr Pinner’s beloved sandal

Found: A Euphonium & Jesus’s Sandal

Posted on 07/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

After a week away, having been seconded to the costa del crime (Bournemouth), I am stunned to come back and find the station swamped by two found objects. Note worthy for their apparent non-connection (to the untrained-mind) are a silver euphonium and a single unisex sandal, a bit like the sort Christians wear, with socks. The sandal is stained with blood, or it has been suggested by an inexperienced colleague as a coffee stain (but I think we can dismiss that theory). The large and heavy euphonium has been engraved with distinctive girly-swirly patterns (like leaves) and over-the-top lettering with the name Henry.

Do you know a large unisex brass instrument player (of either gendre) who dresses like a sock-wearing Jesus and is hobbling around town with footwear missing? Do they have a euphonium they’ve named Henry and which they have absent-mindedly mislaid?

If so, we’d like to hear from you… Maybe Henry’s rightful owner is offering a no-questions asked cash reward for it’s safe return? Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, who is a dab hand hand with lost and found. (By the way, we’re still waiting to hear from the owners of three trumpets and a flugelhorn). PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Jesus, is this your sandal?

Life As A Copper

Posted on 03/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Here is an interview about yours truly, recorded a while ago by a swindling, potentially-murderous, charlatan doctor off the telly. I’ll give him his due though, I sound blinding.

Found: Two More Trumpets

Posted on 30/04/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Two more trumpets have been handed into the Police station, by singer and local celeb Ronan Keating. The instruments were found nestling together in a smart black case on Houston Street not far from the mosque. But the Imam has told Community Support Officer Mohamed the trumpets are not theirs. The case has distinctive markings on it, what look like indecipherable letters spell out the words Prop Er Tyof Nig El Abb In Gdon and this is followed by a jumble of numbers 01285 356 1245. It is obviously a code of some sort, probably to do with organised crime. Maybe you saw masked men dropping said case, or maybe you are from an underworld crime gang who’re missing these instruments, either way we’d like to hear from you. Why not offer a cash reward for their safe return? Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, who is getting to grips with this mysterious musical case. (We’re still waiting to hear from the owners of another found trumpet and a flugelhorn). PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Villains, do you recognise this case of trumpets?

Found: A Flugelhorn

Posted on 26/04/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

A flugelhorn has just been handed in at the Police station. It was found, apparently abandoned, this lunch time in Right Said Fred Lane (near the vandalised phonebox) by one of Sainsco’s home delivery drivers (they are a Godsend those drivers. Perfect if both of you work and no-one is around to do the bloody food shopping).

Anyway, I’ll be honest (well I am a copper and honesty is in the job description), but I didn’t know what it was, an odd foreign trumpet thought I? But my cousin, who is big on such things, said it was a flugelhorn. So, if you are missing one, think it’s been pinched or know the owner, please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. Your call will be handled in the strictest confidence.

PC R Cowgrove

Found: A Trumpet

Posted on 26/04/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

A solid-brass trumpet was found by singer and local celeb Robbie Williams last night in Fleetwood Road (near the drive-through McDonalds) and promptly handed in at the Police station. It has been thoroughly dusted for finger-prints and DNA samples taken.
If you are missing the said brass instrument, saw it being nicked or think you know the rightful owner, please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, who is handling this very sensitive case. PC R Cowgrove

(Above) The Fleetwood Road trumpet. Is it yours?

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: PC Robert Cowgrove