Advance Warning: Street Closures Tomorrow

Posted on 04/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just to say that the high street, near the Undertakers, and Madonna Lane will be partially closed tomorrow when the hustings descend on our town. Labour‘s Ed Milliband, Conservative “Diddy” Dave Cameron and the SNP‘s Nicola Sturgeon have all decided to visit the marginal seat of Beckworth South on the same day. We all clearly remember the parties doing the same back in 2010 when it decended into chaos as Gordon Brown offered Mr Cameron “out”. Let’s hope this time the politicians can control themselves better. The LibDem‘s Nick Clegg and UKIP‘s Nigel Farrage are due to visit on Wednesday but as we’re expecting a low turn out of support we’re not closing any roads that day. many thanks G.Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) An artists’s impression of what tomorrow’s road closure could look like

Local Antique Lady’s Fish Win’s May Day Race

Posted on 03/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I hope you all enjoyed today’s annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race as much as I. Even having some Green Party pranksters throwing washing powder into the river (some sort of demonstration about water polution) hardly delayed the race. The protestors were caught by angered locals before they could do too much damage and there weren’t too many people taken to A&E. Congratulations to local lass, and antique TV presenter, Fiona Bruce whose pet sturgeon, Nicola, won the race in an almost record time. It was the first time Fiona and Nicola the Sturgeon had raced in the event, so well done. Fiona stated that a daily swim in the bath followed by a treat of a cup of hot chocolate had really paid off with Nicola. Well done to all. G.Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) A clearly delighted Fiona Bruce with her race-winning pet sturgeon Nicola

May Day Fish Race

Posted on 02/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just a reminder that this bank holiday Monday it will be the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race. A fun morning for most of the family, but please remember to keep all cats indoor. We don’t want a repeat of last year when Robson Green‘s winning goldfish Rose was maimed by a tabby just after the medals were given out.

Competitors, please bring your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 11 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local cook, and TV’s 2nd favourite Masterchef host, John Torode (himself a big fan of fish).

Please keep an eye on weather forecasts, if it is stormy the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s swimming pool. See you Monday. G.Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Last year’s winner Robson Green with a pre-”accident” Rosie

Local Lads and Lass Win Big At Marathon & Masterchef

Posted on 26/04/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

It was a win, win, win situation for Beckworth residents today when local lads came first and second in the pro men’s race at the 2015 London Marathon and a local lass won the pro women’s wheelchair race. Eliud Kipchoge, Wilson Kipsang and Tatyana Mcfadden did the town proud and were all trained by local man and Olympic athlete Daley Thompson. The wins come hot on the heals of local lad Simon Wood winning Masterchef earlier this week. Congratulations to all, and in their honour we hope to have a combined Marathon & Masterchef parade next year (if we get the planning permission). G.Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Local Masterchef winner Simon “Woody” Wood with his plastic trophy thing

Local Undertaker Reaps Just Reward

Posted on 26/03/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Congratulations to local lad, 56 year old Terry Tottenham Jnr, who has been voted the UK’s cheeriest undertaker and won the prestigious Grin Reaper Award 2015. Mr Junior will now be entered into the jovial European Championships, where he has the chance of winning a solid chip-board coffin. So we wish him well with that. Interestingly Mr Terry is not the first Tottenham (of Tottenham and Arsenal Funeral Directors) to win and become the Grin Reaper. His dad, Terence Sr, won six times back in the heady 1970s when death rates were high and big money was being made by undertakers. Mr Senior would most likely have won a seventh time had his short life not been cruelly cut short by his rival Stuart “Stew Pot” Crystal-Palace (of Crystal-Palace Funeral Directors), in a notorious church yard brawl following a cremation. Good luck Terry. Gary Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Undertaker Mr Junior Tottenham, winner of the Grin Reaper Award 2015

St Patricks Day Parade Postponed

Posted on 17/03/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Sorry but due to the floats being double booked and the Irish girl pipers all having flu today’s St Patrick’s Day Parade is being postponed until next Tuesday. Or if the girls are still unwell Wednesday. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) An artist’s impression of tomorrow’s postponed St Patrick’s Day Parade

Local Tradition Under Judicial Review

Posted on 05/03/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to let you know that due to an ongoing judicial review Beckworth’s Springtime tradition of Goat Rolling has been cancelled this year. Due to take place on Fool’s Hill on the third Saturday in March this will be the first time in 563 years that the event hasn’t taken place. Even practicing has been temporarily outlawed, with local police issuing a warning that anyone found in possession of a goat during March will be arrested and have their four-legged friend put down. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Mayor Gary Grimsby

Warning: Don’t roll your goat this month!

Naturists Plea For Cleanliness

Posted on 14/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I wonder if you can help? The members of your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are on the look-out for a replacement window cleaner. Roger, our regular naked window cleaning operative, is currently in hospital with pneumonia and so we need to find a nude replacement asap. Local pigeons have made a right mess of my close friend Wayne’s green house and we’re hosting a naturist’s tea party in it this Sunday. If anyone knows a buff cleaner please contact me in person before the weekend (the naturists meet at the scout hut every Thursday evening from 9pm). Thank you, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

(Above) Roger the window cleaner in action last year

Smoking Germans Get Into The Christmas Spirit This Weekend

Posted on 15/12/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just a reminder that this coming Saturday and Sunday Beckworth will be hosting the annual Christmas Smokers Fair in the Market Square with the added lure this year of a traditional Germanic ”Weihnachten” Christmas Fair lining the high street. It’s sure to be a wonderful weekend for smokers and sausage lovers of all ages so get your towels onto the supplied sun-loungers very early.

All the events will be held outdoors, with the exception of the marijuana smokers pottery classes, pipe-rack engineering and sauerkraut construction drop-in sessions which will be held discretely in a porta-cabin in the school playground.

The fairs are your once in a year opportunity to buy flavoured tabacco, nicotene patches, lighters and those poncey electric fags alongside seasonal Christmas decorations made from fragments of the Berlin Wall, Angela Merkel fairies to top your tree, Volkswagen car parts, used lederhosen and whatever else it is our German friends sell at Christmas.

Great news for all the family; the pubs will be open from 8am Saturday and stay open until 11.30 on Sunday night to cater for the expected influx of heavy drinking teutonic smokers.

Event’s during daylight hours include St Nick’s PC Grotto, (a smoking non-gender defined German speaking Santa will take presents from children to redistribute to the poor and needy of Frankfurt, or sell on the ferry back to Europe). There’s a smokers trivia pub quiz in the pub car park from 7pm, tug o’war, Puffin’ Willy’s Steam Fair, and a brand-new “Northern European smoke-themed” kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds. After dark things will get very festive with a mimed concert by Stereokicks on Saturday night and late on Sunday evening the duel crowning of Beckworth’s Smoker Of The Year 2014 and Beckworth’s German Of The Year 2014.

Given the failure in previous years to beat the world record for the most snuff-sniffers in one field we will instead aim to beat the record for the most Berliners in a stationary car (the current record is five which may prove hard to top).

Due to health and safety laws we are not allowed a lit bonfire during the fair but will have a large TV screen set up in the window of the undertakers showing a DVD of The Wickerman. For the public’s safety smoking and Bavarian bear-baiting will only be permitted in the designated areas furnished with ashtrays, spittoons and posters of England’s 1966 World Cup winning football team.

For the youngsters Flintlock Farm’s Mobile Petting Zoo will be setting up in a corner of the sports field and promise to show off some animals native to Deutschland (I’d guess that will include snakes, giraffes and tigers). The icing on the Christmas cake will be our very own Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors in the scout hut re-playing the 1914 Christmas Truce Football Match (as seen on TV), complete with trenches, goals and a barbed-wire strewn muddy pitch.

So see you all this weekend, Mayor Gary Grimsby

StereoKicks Switch On Christmas Lights For A Second Time

Posted on 12/12/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Judging by all the emails, texts and letters of complaint i’ve received many of you have noticed that this week the high street has been plunged into darkness due to a power cut caused by the Christmas lights exploding. After many days of hard work, local electrician and ex-TV hostess, Dale Winton has repaired the chain of lights, which he found to have a blown fuse. As luck would have it our favourite ex-X-Factor hopefuls Stereokicks were passing by on there way to the job centre as the repair was finished and so switched on the lights for a second time whilst singing a couple of songs. Resourceful Mr Winton says he’ll be keeping some spare fuses in his pocket in case the lights blow again, and the numerous members of Stereokicks have promised to switch on the lights as often as needed, as they are a bit under-employed at the moment. What a kind offer. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) The 22 members of Stereokicks happily line up to sign-on earlier today

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: Town Council