Hellody Hoo, Marion here. Beckworth must be overrun with small female Australian entertainers today because I’ve just seen not one, but two!!! I spotted the diminutive Minogue sisters, Daniiii and Kylie, in school uniforms outside Beckworth High squabbling over a bag of chips. For two stars of television their language was very course. Ta ta, Marion
I’ve just seen antipodean songsmith, and local celeb, Jason Donavan putting the chain back on his bike. I was surprised to find he’s very small in real life and rides a kid’s bike. He only looked about 9 years old, so must use a very good moisturiser. Beth
This is a message to all of you who like your music heavy and your ale real. Tomorrow night local heavy metal covers band, Bachman Turner Overdraft, will be rocking our back room venue. It’s only a fiver on the door and this week’s featured ale at the pub is Itchy Scrotum. Warning: If you’re coming to play dominoes in the bar bring your ear plugs! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Hello Beckworth, I am Leslie and I am a famous impressionist. You can hear some in this interview, though not me doing Susan Boyle. I don’t do women. Please enjoy.
Hello. It’s all eerily quiet on the lama drama front thanks to action hero Ross Kemp‘s heroics (this picture taken just prior to his lama “intervention” yesterday). We’ve had no reported sightings and everyone is whispering in case we hear the hairy escapees coming. I’ll keep you posted if anything happens. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
Dear all. I’m sure you were all gripped by Masterchef, well now it’s your chance to learn how to do some of that fancy cooking here at The Hill View Hotel. Next week, for 3 days only, father and son chefs, Heston Blumenthal and Anthony Worrall-Thompson, will be teaching cooking to 10 lucky local cooks. Do you want to be a cook? If so it’s only £899 for the course and that will include a signed photo from the cooking duo. Hurry, places are limited and interest is bound to be big. We are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so literally anyone with their own chef’s hat and an apron can apply. Contact me, Sandy Luton, General Manager, for more details
Good news from Beckworth Police. We have found the 12″ high Terence Nutkin Statue which was stolen from the Town Hall. It was found alive and well in the caretaker’s cupboard where he claims he had put it for safe keeping. The caretaker, a Mr N.Penge, is currently helping us with our enquiries whilst we see what else we can fit him up for. I reckon he’s behind the heinous crime of all these brass instruments being found all over Beckworth, though he denies it. But let’s see what the water-boarding turns up. PC R Cowgrove
(Above) Little Trence Nutkin returned home safely
Hello. It is with a heavy heart that I have to announce the temporary closure of the skate park in the Keira Knightley’s Kingdom adventure centre. This is due to large cracks appearing all over the Ms Knightey’s Film Career Mosaics, rendering the skate ramps and bowls a hazard. I will keep you posted on how rapidly this popular part of the KKK can be reopened, at present we are awaiting an expert inspection of Keira’s fissures. The rest of the centre, BMX track, jungle gym, climbing wall, archery corridor, vegan cafe and death slide, are mercifully unaffected. Have a good day, Beth Rochester. Acting Manageress, Keira Knightley’s Kingdom adventure centre
(Above) Ms Knightley practicing in the recently redecorated archery corridor
Hello, its hard to believe that we are now on day five of our very dangerous, lama escape dilema. Siege mentality is gripping those residents of the town who know about Fern Britton‘s fugitive lamas (“The Jackson Three”) and I am honoured to be the first to tell you that one of the 3 hairy runaways has been “taken out.” After two sightings near the Fruit Sellers Arms pub, word spread like wild fire and one of those inside the pub, enjoying a shandy and pork-scratchings, was have-a-go hero and local celeb (and also brother of Spandau Ballet’s Gary Kemp) Ross Kemp. Armed with only a beer mat, Ross ran out of the pub, leaving his unfinished half pint without any regard for his own safety, and rugby-tackled the smallest of the lamas by the postbox. Whilst knocking it to the ground and writhing around a lot, the other two cowardly camelid accomplices fled the scene. The young lama died in Ross’s tender embrace and has been formally identified by Mrs Britton’s in-house lama identifier, Doris Palmer, as being two-year old female lama, Janet Jackson (all the lamas at Fern Britton’s lama farm are named after her favourite 1970s and 80s pop and rock artists).
Ross Kemp was quoted after the incident as saying “did anyone get that on video?” before returning to his refreshing drink and telling anyone who would listen about his animal-capture heroics. So encouragingly, that’s one lama down, two to go. Please keep a look out for the hairy triumvirate, and let me know if you see them (Fern’s too busy to be contacted today as she like’s to spend Sundays sipping cocktails and seeing if she’s been mentioned in the papers). Who knows, maybe you’ll witness a half-cut Ross Kemp take out the other lamas before more loss of human life. Thanks for your time and let’s all encourage Mr Kemp to get out there and fight, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
Hello. Just a reminder that we are now entering the last 7 days of the Damian Hist retrospective exhibition, on at the Jeffrey Archer Gallery in the library. It will be your last chance to see half a cow, a shark in a murky tank, a lot of flies and some spotty paintings, all pertaining to be modern art. Open daily 10 -5, entrance fee is £5 or £3 to OAPs, scroungers and the registered blind. Yours, Trinny Poole-Harbour, Curator
PS Our next exhibition, opening in June, will be a retrospective of Man Ray’s colourful digital photography and short animated films .