Things A Lot Calmer In Lama Drama

Posted on 11/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello, I just thought i’d keep you up to date with the ongoing lama situation. Fern Britton‘s fugitive lamas (“The Jackson Three”) are still on the run and we’ve only had one reported sighting overnight, outside the Coronet Cinema where they were coincidentally showing Dr Dolittle. Although the situation is calm we’re still on red alert. Please continue to keep a look out for the hairy triumvirate and Mrs Britton has warned do not approach the lamas as they may be armed and dangerous (I think that’s what her text meant to say, I hate predictive text). So far the three camelids haven’t been tempted by the banana trap but I will continue to monitor the situation on Fern’s behalf (She’s getting her hair done today). Thanks for your time and see if you can spot one or all of the lamas, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Watch The Voice Again

Posted on 10/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all, I’d just like to say a big showbiz thank you to all of you who have stopped me whilst i’ve been stacking shelves at 99p Land to congratulate me on my cousin Jack’s performance on The Voice. Your encouragement makes all the hard work worthwhile, but let’s not forget, he’s not won yet! For those of you know who don’t know, he has been chosen to be in Tom Jone’s team, which suits Jack very well as they are of similar age and build (Jack is hoping to cadge some clothes off Tom, and get some fake tan for me). On the days when he’s not staying with Tom, in a local Travelodge, Jack is still available for bookings of his popular (1980s rock group Kajagoo) tribute act Jack-Agoogoo. Just ask me about dates and cost and i’ll do the rest.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

Family-Fortunes Still Seeks A Star

Posted on 10/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

The Beckworth Players are still looking for a male lead, to play Vernon Kay, in their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes. So they will be holding another open audition, this coming Tuesday evening at 7.30. Location: The George & Ringo Room at the Town Hall, due to their rehearsal space being fumigated. It’s open to everyone who’s a male, and director (and local celeb) Ross Kemp says he is determined to find his perfect man, “someone with that special something and the ability to act, sing and dance in dangerous situations, just like me”. The musical has been written for us by local celeb, and husband of Ferne Cotton, Vernon Kay! So, to quote Mr Kemp, do you have balls of steel and a voice to melt ice-cream? If so please come along. Just to warn you, Ross wants a man for this role, so no ladies or women at this audition as he has filled all the female parts. All men must be 18 or over (or at least look it), be very muscular and have your own black tap shoes. Given the queues of would-be Dicks who wanted to star in our recent performances of Richard III, we expect to be literally overcome with testosterone, so arrive early. See you Tuesday boys, Chico (producer)

I Am Alan Stroud

Posted on 10/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Good afternoon Beckworth, This is a clip from an interview I did a couple of years ago with a visiting doctor. I do hope you enjoy it, it’s not too long. And please contact me know if you need any driving lessons. Yours sincerely Alan Stroud

Tempting Banana Used In Lama Drama

Posted on 10/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Well I never, we’ve still got an ongoing situation concerning Fern Britton‘s escaped lamas, because “The Jackson Three” are still at large!! You may remember earlier this week I asked everyone to keep a look out for the 3 lama’s and I have been deluged with many sightings of them. You have spotted them all over Beckworth, from grazing outside the mosque to defecating near the car wash and we’ve even had unconfirmed sightings in the butchers and phone shop. I must once again state, in the interests of safety and hygiene, that Mrs Britton has warned that under no circumstances should the lamas be approached as they can be life threatening. So far the wily threesome have evaded capture but Fern’s own lama-cowgirl Doris Palmer has now set up a trap outside the opticians using the beasts’ favourite bananas as bait. If you see this trap please do not tamper with it as I’m told it could have your leg off. Doris has told me they can’t resist bananas and assures me this means the lamas will soon be captured and back home at Fern’s farm in time to watch Hollyoaks. Thanks for your time and enjoy the lama hunting, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Serious Theft, Small Scale

Posted on 10/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Blimey, it’s all go at the station today, we’ve got a crime wave going on. This crime report has just come in: Please can you all be vigilant as a plucky thief has stolen a 12″ high Terence Nutkin Statue from the Town Hall. That’s right it’s 12 inches tall not 12 foot!! Why they made such an easily purloined pocket-sized statue is beyond me? Next time Mr Mayor put it in a locked case under armed guards, or better still make it life size, that way it will be easier to spot when stolen. The statue is described as being a sort of cream colour, made of plaster and it looks a bit like the late Mr Nutkin, but of course it’s a lot smaller than him. Anyway, please keep a look out for the Action Man sized Nutkin effigy as the council ain’t too happy about having lost it. If you find it ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, maybe the council will offer a reward for it’s safe recovery which we can share? PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Before, and after, the daring Nutkin miniature statue theft

Found: A Tenor Trombone

Posted on 10/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

A tenor trombone was found this morning round by the bins of Stroud’s Motor School in Floyd Street. The police, myself and PC S Cowgrove, were called and after sealing the street off and ascertaining the crime scene wasn’t booby trapped we took it back to the Police station, where it is waiting for inspection by CID. If you are missing a trombone (a tenor), were sneaking around the bins late last night or think you know someone who was, please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I am single-handedly handling this baffling case and now have a lost-property cupboard bulging at the seams with musical instruments of a brass nature.

PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Is this your missing trombone?

Calling All SCABs

Posted on 09/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello everyone. My campaign to ban shopping bags from Beckworth is off to a flying start, in just two weeks over 21 people have signed my partition.

Therefore the time is ripe to hold our inaugural SCABs (Senior Citizens Against Bags) meeting. I propose meeting in the Blind Badger as it’s the nearest pub to my house and if we meet at 6 – 7 it’s happy hour. So how about getting together next Tuesday, 14 May? Let me know if you’ll be coming, and if there’s likely to be more than 6 of us I can reserve a table. Together we can get some plans formulated, so please pick SCABs to get bags binned for good. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh

Terry Nutkin Statue In Miniature

Posted on 09/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. After a very well attended public meeting the other week, regarding design proposals for the towns’ Terry Nutkin memorial statue, a very artistic statue was chosen. Created by famed artist, disc-jockey and local celeb Chris Evans, the statue will stand 10ft tall, be made of recycled brass and sit on a stone plinth (the idea of a memorial fountain having been rejected at an earlier council meeting due to worries about vagrant’s bathing). If you missed the meeting you can view a miniature of the statue (I learnt at the meeting that a little pretend statue like this is called a maquette) in the entrance hall of The Town Hall, open daily between 8.30 and 5. The real statue should take about 9 months to make so we’re hopefully looking at a March 2014 unveiling. I am confident it will become a major tourist attraction just as the Mother Teresa Memorial Bus Shelter has done.

Thanks G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) A detail of the chosen Nutkin statue design

Judith Chalmers In Unfolding Bad Kharma Lama Drama

Posted on 09/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

My goodness, since my first message on this site yesterday my life has become just like an episode of News At Ten!!! You may remember I asked everyone to keep a look out for 3 lama’s that had escaped from local celeb Fern Britton‘s lama farm. Well, I have so far been inundated with eleven or so sightings of “The Jackson Three” (The lamas are named Michael, Janet and Jermaine). So far the cunning lamas have evaded capture and have been spotted all over the town, from Bingo at the Macadamia Hall to The Spa at Beckworth Hall, with a stop-off at the drive-through McDonalds and a toilet break outside the Two Fat Ducks restaurant in between. They were even spotted in the tinned veg aisle at Tesburys Supermarket by local celeb, and latenight TV Gold travel presenter, Judith Chalmers.

Judith, a self-professed camel rider, says she was tempted to try and tackle them but thankfully had seen my website warning yesterday, and also thought that to deny the lamas their “escape to victory” would bring her bad kharma at a time when she is hoping to get back on to television and needs all the help she can get. To reiterate for those who missed my first message, Mrs Britton warned that under no circumstances should the lamas be approached as they do pose a seroius threat to the public, and other animals. If you do continue to spot the three runaways please let me know or contact Fern’s in-house lama-trainer Doris Palmer who will come and round them up (with a lasoo I presume?). Thanks for your time and have fun lama spotting, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Things A Lot Calmer In Lama Drama

Watch The Voice Again

Family-Fortunes Still Seeks A Star

I Am Alan Stroud

Tempting Banana Used In Lama Drama

Serious Theft, Small Scale

Found: A Tenor Trombone

Calling All SCABs

Terry Nutkin Statue In Miniature

Judith Chalmers In Unfolding Bad Kharma Lama Drama

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