Remember all entries must be in by 11o/c Friday to give our Halloween judging panel, chaired by Take That singer and fancy dress-shop owner Mark Owen, chance to choose the winners of the 2015 Beckworth’s Best Halloween costume. There are two levels, under 18s and adults, so give it a go… Good luck. Christine Batley. Chief All Hallows Eve Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) Halloween costume judge Mark Owen cycling to work earlier today
Good afternoon, Wonky Windsor here with some splendid information for you. During his recent UK holiday, to stay with his best friend David Cameron, the King Of China Xi Jinping forgot to announce the winner of his country’s “Nobel” peace prize. But he’s just remembered and faxed the 2015 results through to my home. Imagine my delight that fellow ex-Beckworth School pupil (and in his day head boy) Robert “Bobby The Bobster” Mugabe was the well deserved winner. Mr Bobster, always humble in victory, is said to be delighted and is quoted on the fax as saying “This is one in the eye for all my imprisoned critics. Now if anyone says i’m not peaceful, I have proof that I am. And I will have them shot. Immediately”. The magnanimous Mr Bobby Mugabe is the latest in a long line of noble China peace prize winners and he follows in the graceful footsteps of such luminaries as Vladimir Putin, Fidel Castro, Joseph Stalin, Manuel Noriega, Attila The Hun, and Margaret “Maggie” Thatcher. Congratulations to Robert and to the Mugabe family who still own a butchers shop on the outskirts of town. Yours Sir T.T. “Wonky” Windsor. President. Beckworth School Old Boys
(Above) A clearly delighted Bobby Mugabe clutches his well deserved plastic Chinese peace prize earlier today
I am delighted to announce that after a decade of trying to find an investor to pay for repairs to Beckworth’s leaky old nuclear power station, the Russian owners of the plant have today announced one has been found. Last month the owner, Putin Power PLC, hinted an investor was being courted in the far East, which led all eyes to fall on King Of China Xi Jinping when he visited England last week. So imagine our surprise when he failed to announce his intention to invest. Thank goodness the Russians are well connected and at the last minute have found an investment partner in Kim Jong-un, the handsome young leader of North Korea. Mr Un is said to be a huge advocate of all things nuclear and thrilled to get control of a slice of the UK’s nuclear capabilities. Good luck to Mr Kim and all at the power plant who’s jobs are now safe. Or at least as safe as they can be working at a faulty old nuclear facility. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce
(Above) The latest investor in UK nuclear power, Kim Jong-Un
Congratulations to local businesswoman, and female impressionist, Leslie Warwick as she’s survived three episodes of The Apprentice. She was fortunate not to have been dragged into the board room this week. Especially after being described as a “dead weight trannie who lost us the task” by the team leader and given a severe dressing down by Lord Al Sugar for buying a punctured second-hand rubber-dinghy for £8000. A source told me that Leslie has “dirt” on most of the contestants, and the judges, which should help her to sail through the rounds and win the series. Good luck to local lass Leslie, she makes this tired old programme well worth watching. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce
(Above) Apprentice wannabee Leslie Warwick takes single-handedly losing the day’s task in her stride
Hello all, Prof Brian Cox here. Once again, and I do mean again, I am using my brain that that’s the size of a planet to answer your repeatedly tedious questions. I’m a patient, yet extremely busy, celebrity doctor with gorgeous hair aiming to improve your humdrum lives, but please stop trying to elicit the same b****y information from me. At this time of year I can be certain that some k**b will ask me why do leaves go brown, is it time to put the central heating on or why do the clocks change? I got asked the latter just yesterday by one of my foreign celebrity fans, Xi Jinping, the King of China who I met at a boring function in London. On being introduced to me he failed to bow or even mention how great my hair looked, which put me in a bad mood. Then, to add insult to injury, he got me to sign an Ultravox 12″ single. Even though I’d said I was in Tears For Fears. Anyway, I told him in no uncertain terms, as i’m telling you, please make the effort to read my fact filled blog entry (on this site) about the b****y clocks changing, as I only wrote it two years ago. It’s all there and i’m in no mood to repeat myself. ‘Nuff said. The king looked a bit crest-fallen when I had to rush off and leave him, but I had an important engagement to play croquet with my new best friends The Duke & Duchess of Cambridge and David Cameron. No doubt i’ll be back answering your insipid queries soon, so keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
(Above) The King of China tries to tell a disgruntled Dr Cox a funny story about a large fish he’d once caught
Hello all. Just a reminder that due to the success of last years’ Allen Key Centenary Celebrations we are doing the same again this year. Tomorrow afternoon Floyd Street will be partially closed to allow descendants of the Allen and Key families to sing allen key based songs from a stage made of old pallets. They’ll also give away allen key shaped balloons they had left over from last year and be selling souvenirs made from recycled allen keys. The families also hope to break the Guinness World Record for the most allen keys in one place. Once again the big draw will be the rarely seen original Allen Key Display team, reforming for the day, they hope to wow crowds with their death defying allen key based stunts. Unfortunately we’re unsure if their famed leader Michael Crawford will be taking part as he has a cold. For the full story on local lock-smiths Cyril Key and Norris Allen world famous invention please see my blog from 21 October 2014. So come on down, and bring your allen keys for the record attempt. Yours Gary Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
(Above) One of Allen and Key’s descendants demonstrates an allen key in the family’s private Allen Key Museum
Great news for fans of the best futuristic film made in the past, Back To The Future 2, as we will be showing the entire film in the pub tonight. The film, written by local Hollywood script writer Sylvester Stalone, sent it’s hero, Marvin McFly, along with his GP Doctor Brown, to 21st October 2015 (today). Hence our timely screening. We will show it on our ipad (which we’ll be propping on the bar) so come early if you want a seat where you can see it. Straight after the film Mr Stalone’s daughter Britney Spears will be hosting a question and answer session about the Oscar winning film. She told me that many of the things the film predicted we’d have today come true; we’ve now got drones, mobile phones, skinny jeans, trainers and sleeveless puffa-jackets. And most amazingly it predicted a Starbucks in every street. It’s only £22.60 on the door and tonight’s featured ale at the pub is McFly‘s Delorean. Warning: “If you don’t like 1980s American films set in 2015 stay at home tonight!” Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
(Above) Marvin Mcfly, in his trademark hat, and film extras on the set of Back To The Future 2
Breaking police news… Police unions at their annual conference in Beckworth have voted unanimously on new rules regarding uniforms and kit. It was decided that serving officers must wear uniform and use official equipment 24/7, 365 days a year. Thus they will be identifiable to the public at all times. This is to be implemented due to many instances of detectives working undercover getting sued by anarchists and crooks for deception. A spokeswoman said “If people can clearly see we’re coppers they can’t take us to court for pretending we’re not… Getting sued is costing us billions of pounds at a time we need to be saving money.” She then added “Granted it’ll make infiltrating gangs and taking on aliases a bit harder but with the right training we’re sure we can get way with wearing our beloved uniform and handcuffs at all times. Even in the shower. Or in our newly issued police beds. After all British rozzers are the best in the World, awake or asleep!!” Good luck to our brave boys and girls in blue. Christine Batley. Chief Police Day Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) The new police issue bed, due to became a coppers standard bit of kit. Essential if working under cover
In celebration of tomorrow being the World’s official Edge Day (look it up, it’s on the web) local family-run builders merchants Coffin & Sons are offering planks of wood, and anything else they can find with straight edges, with 11% off. So hurry on down, it’s a once in a lifetime offer. Probably. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce
(Above) Some of the straight-edged planks of wood on sale tomorrow
Breaking medical news… Our local hospital, Beckworth General, is throwing open the doors to it’s operating theatres today in celebration of the invention of anesthetics a few hundred years ago on this very day. Anaemia, invented by some doctor or nurse somewhere, made it possible for patients to have operations without pain. And the sleeping gas they use is great at parties as it makes your voice sound really funny. Today at the hospital members of the public will have tons of the gas to play with and have the run of normally out of bounds areas. They’ll even be able to put on gowns and stuff and put volunteers “under.” Or be put to sleep themselves. No medical training is needed, but sadly smoking is prohibited. Euthanasia day sounds like great fun, so i’ll probably pop along myself to get a few hours induced sleep. Just as long as no one accidentally operates on me!!! Christine Batley. Chief Anaglypta Day Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) Some real doctors and nurses have a go at euthanasia in preparation of today’s opening of their operating theatres