Come and Sample Cheeses With Jesus

Hello my flock. Now that Strictly has finished, and The Voice is an abomination to my rather jaded ears, I find myself with a void to fill on Saturday evenings. And rather than let the devil make work for my idle hands I have decided to start up a Cheese appreciation society (washed down with lashings of Communion wine and bible stories). If you are over 18, and not driving, please join me tonight at 6.30 in the vestry. Dress casual yet with respect to the Lord (so no short skirts or low-cut tops for the ladies, nor trainers and tracksuits for the men). God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

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(Above) One of the fine cheeses (accompanied by toast) we will be sampling with Jesus tonight

Late Start For Today’s New Years’ Day Naturists Farmers’ Market & Five-A-Side Football Match

Hello, just to let you know that today’s Open Air Naturist’s farmers market will be opening at 11am today instead of the advertised 10. This is a knock on effect of my close friend Wayne needing medical attention after getting into difficulties during last night’s Annual Beckworth Midnight Swim. The mass skinny dip is a wonderful way of seeing the new year in with friends and relations but a combination of strong undercurrents and an unforseen swell meant Wayne’s new lilo sprung a puncture, depositing him very roughly back on the River Bank where he sprained his ankle and inflamed his coccyx. The under 16s St John’s Ambulance, under the supervision of Philip Schofield, were very quickly on the scene but it has meant Wayne could only limp during this morning’s New Years’ Day Naturists’ March through the town. This has slowed everybody down, hence the late opening of the market. The planned nudists’ five-a-side football match will now kick off at 2.30, weather permitting. Apologies to all, but see you in all your glory amongst the organic fruit and veg later this morning. Happy New Year, Lionel

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(Above) Beckworth’s premier nude striker Vince Poulshot get’s a dressing down from the ref and linesmen (on-duty Police) during last seasons 5-a-side friendly against the cast of Downton Abbey. He unfortunately brought the game into disrepute by getting a yellow card for manhandling the ball before the game had even commenced.

Disney Announces Sponsorship Of Midweek Day

Hello all. It’s not often that The Beckworth Guardian gets a scoop and beats the tabloids and NewsRound to breaking World news, but today we have. An exclusive story has just reached us that cartoon film-makers Disney have reached agreement with World leaders, and calendar and diary manufacturers, to sponsor the 24 hours that fall every week between Tuesday 23.59pm and Thursday 0.01am. The year-long deal will mean the day formerly known as Wednesday will now be known as Wedisneyday. The deal starts today so we really are the first to know! I phoned Disney’s spokesperson Ben Stiller first thing this morning to verify the breaking news, and he told me “Sorry I’m a bit hungover at the moment, could you ring back after 6 this evening?” when confronted with the revelation… So it appears to be 100% true. Christine Batley. Chief Weekday Sponsorship Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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Happy New Year Beckworth

Happy New Year To You All. I trust everyone enjoyed last nights’ council funded entertainment at the edge of the waterlogged sports field. The traditional burning of Old Man Beckworth, to say goodbye to 2013, thankfully went off without a hitch, no one ended up in the Burns Unit unlike most years. A big thanks to Kirstie Allsopp for knitting such a great effigy, and thanks to her husband Phil Spencer for making such a realistic paper-mache Baby Beckworth to welcome in 2014. My personal highlight was seeing the New Year in watching the local Scout’s brass-band cover the hits of Guns ‘n’ Roses whilst I clutched a half-frozen Delia Smith veggie kebab and chatted to new residents Kim Kardashian and Kanye West (who hope to have Beckworth’s first “nail bar” open by March). I must apologise for the lack of a pyrotechnic display, this was due to the fireworks accidentally getting set off a day early by confused council staff (they got the dates mixed up, which could happen to anyone). All the best for a healthy and prosperous 2014. Mayor G. Grimsby

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(Above) Mr and Mrs Phil and Kirsty Allsopp on their way to grab a kebab last night

Tickets On Sale For Hootananny

This is a message to remind you lucky people that tickets are still available for tomorrow night’s New Years’ Eve Hootananny bash featuring Jesus’s favourite folk trio The Faith Tones. The God-bothering troubadours have kindly stepped into the breach after 22-piece Mexican Sting & The Police tribute act De Polícia were denied work visas at the last minute. The Faith Tones, an “all-female” trio, will be playing tracks from their new Christmas LP 21 Songs for Jesus’s Birthday, including the smash hit (For Mylie Cyrus) Adore You. Doors open at 6.30, and tickets cost £55 which includes an all-you-can-carry-on-a-tiny-plate “finger” buffet. So if you want to see the new year in with some Godfearing lady singers and get lathered on real ale this hootananny is for you. This week’s featured ale is Worzel’s Rusty Nail and we’ve a 3 for 2 offer on pork scratchings. So see you tomorrow. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

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Today’s Boxing Day Swimming Race Postponed Indefinitely

Hello and happy Christmas. I’ve just sneaked away from my reheated turkey breakfast to pass on this message from the organisers of today’ traditional Boxing Day Swimming Race. IT’S CANCELLED! Due to recent storms the River Winnet has swollen to dangerous levels and over-cautious health and safety officials have warned the public to keep away… Alternative watery venues have failed to materialise; the swimming pool had it’s roof blown off earlier this week, and is at present closed, and the lido is shut as that is where the swimming pool roof ended up. Organisers hope to reschedule the race as soon as the waters subside. All the best Mayor G. Grimsby.

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(Above) The swollen River Winnet this morning before jobs-worth officials
cancelled today’s swimming race

Why Is Boxing Day Called Boxing Day Prof Cox?

Hello all and happy Yuletide, Professor Brian here, and once again I’ve been asked to utilise my huge intelligence to improve the lives of humanity. Today, i’m answering a question I get asked every year around this time. It’s a conundrum of mind-blowing magnitude and perplexes both young and old… Why is Boxing Day so called?
Well, we have to go back to pre-television, pre-internet and pre-mobile phone days to a time when people lacked education, communicated by writing letters and made their own simple entertainment, often through the medium of mime. The 1950s…
In the many centuries before ’50s the 26th of December was just known as “The day after Christmas day,” it lacked purpose and due to boredom often ended up in a drunken fight. It was after witnessing one such domestic punch-up that well known professional fighter Cassius Clay (nee Mohammed Ali) decided that what the public needed were organised fights to vent their festive frustration and work off the turkey and mince pies.
Working alone he single-handed door-stepped then prime minister Margaret Thatcher (no stranger to a hypothetical fight herself) to get councils to set up town-centre boxing rings on the 26th and get all this pent up post-Christmas violence out into public spaces. There was a lot of opposition to his idea, mainly from the church who abhorred violence and claimed their Lord wouldn’t want organised punch-ups spoiling the day after his birthday. But luckily for Cassius and Ali, Mrs Margaret didn’t listen to doom-mongering Church leaders and being “her own man” stated how much she loved the idea. Although the Government refused the funding within months every city, town and village could boast a post-Christmas open-air boxing ring and by 1953 fights were so common place and no work got done that “the day after Christmas day” became a public holiday.
Now all it needed was a catchier name. So in 1956 suggested names were put to a public vote, with Boxing Day narrowly beating Fighting Day, You Lookin’ At My Bird Day and Black-Eye Day to become the day we know and love today.

So there you go, my Christmas’ Did You Know This fact complete. I’m rushing off now as i’m giving Heston Blumenthal a hand with some left-over goose. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

CLAY LISTON

(Above) Mr Ali delivers a knock-out blow to an opponent of his “Boxing Day” idea

Christmas At St Faiths

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 3.30pm this afternoon. This is due to the council’s health & safety department declaring that Christmas Eve services can now only commence in daylight hours. Other wonderful news is that church warden Noddy Holder is now fully recovered from his hernia operation and will be dusting off his vocal chords to lead his “Slade Singers” in the carols, and hosting a “Karaoke With Jesus” session in the crypt straight after the service. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

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“Cinderella’s” Cement Found

Hello. The disquieting case of “Cinderella’s found ephemera” grew more puzzling today with the discovery of a mislaid part-used bag of quick drying cement near the builders merchants. The list of personal effects poor “Cinders” has lost in recent weeks is growing ever longer and we can only conclude that something very serious is going on, maybe a homicide or worse. The cement was found by local bike shop owner, and politician, Boris Johnson whilst on his way to the barbers at first light, and as a consequence the area around the bag has been cordoned off by forensics whilst they carry out tests and stuff. Questions will probably get asked in Parliament if we don’t get this solved double quick. So we need your input. Have you seen a young, or old, lady, or perhaps a dodgy builder in woman’s gear, lose a shoe, gloves, a fag packet and now a bag of cement of the quick-drying variety? Maybe you or someone in your family is getting forgetful and now can’t finish rendering brickwork due to a lack of footwear, fags and cement? Maybe you and your ugly sisters are over-running on a building job and as a consequence they have taken away your favourite cement and tabs as punishment? Maybe your wicked step-mother has taken your glass slippers to the cobblers for reheeling and dropped one on the way? If so ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be handling this nefarious case solo, along with CID, and will keep you in the loop as s*** happens. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

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(Above) “Cinderella’s” cement essential for rendering brick work

“Cinderella’s” Cigarettes Found

Hello. Following the recent discovery of “Cinderella’s” discarded glass slipper, followed by her leaving a glove by the zebra crossing, Police have now discovered her abandoned empty cigarette packet. Goodness knows what the poor woman must be going through having lost so many personal effects but she can rest easy as CID and now The Sweeney are on the case. Maybe our “Cinderella” just has an appalling memory and can’t remember where she’s dropped things or more likely is the victim of Ugly siblings robbing her blind. The church yard next to Oscar Wilde‘s grave, where the fag packet was found, has been sealed off and declared a potential crime scene by forensics. And we need your help with this dangerous “Glass-Slipper” case. Have you seen a lady, or man in woman’s attire, lose footwear, gloves and an empty cigarette packet? Have you got memory-loss and can’t find your clothing nor your smokes? Maybe your wicked stepmother has locked you in the pantry for smoking all her tabs and coming home minus a slipper? If so ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be single-handedly handling this potential murder along with CID and The Sweeney and will keep you up to date on the case as it happens. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

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(Above) Cinderella’s Cigarettes ironically found by the grave of chain-smoker Oscar Wilde