“Cinderella’s” Glove Found

Posted on 16/12/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Following the discovery last week of a “Cinderella like glass slipper” in the park today a “matching” glove has been found resting by the zebra crossing between the betting shop and the pawn shop. Thankfully there are no signs of a violent struggle on the pavement (side-walk to our American residents) to imply a mugging by Romanian beggars nor are there skid-marks on the road to suggest kidnap. Although the glove and shoe don’t have a name written inside, it is safe to assume the two belong to the same owner. The high street is currently sealed off and being “dusted for clues” by forensics, but we need your help with this mysterious “Cinderella” case. Have you see a lady, or transvestite, lose a shoe and glove recently? Are you harbouring a friend or relative who has a habit of losing clothing? Maybe you yourself are in denial due to beatings from a wicked stepmother or have ugly sisters who are constantly taking your footwear and mittens? If so ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be single-handedly handling this dangerous case and hope to be in line for a large reward when I find who the owner. I’ll keep you posted on the case as it happens. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) Cinderella’s glove found by the betting office

Beckworth’s Nativity Under Way At Last

Posted on 12/12/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello my flock. It is with a gladdened heart that I can at last say work has started on our new nativity scene. You may remember our previous one was destroyed on Christmas Eve 2010 and thought to have been fire bombed by Islamic extremists, until CCTV showed it to be have arson carried out by drunken ten year olds bored of carol singing. Luckily it has only taken 19 months to get the planning application through and now we are just months away from having a completed crib and stable scene to enjoy all year round. The foundation stone was layed today by local artist and choir master Damien Hurst, who has been instrumental in fund raising and the design of the “jesus in formaldehyde” nativity. The back of St. Faiths Church Hall will be back to it’s former glory when the nativity is complete and I for one cannot wait.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Work has started on the new nativity

Real Cinderella “Glass Slipper” Found

Posted on 09/12/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Big news in the police station this morning as a “Cinderella like glass slipper” has been found in a tree by an observant member of the public. The “crystal footwear” was firmly lodged into the lower branches of an elm (or it could be an oak or fir… to be honest trees aren’t my strong point) in Noakes Park near the disused Timmy Mallet memorial fountain. The “slipper”, or to be accurate, black leather lace-up brogue, is thought to have been thrown in anger during a lovers tiff, or just accidentally fallen off during a climbing incident, and is currently being “dusted for prints” by forensics. The whole park has been sealed off for public safety and we are appealing for witnesses. Are you, or someone you know, hobbling around with only one shoe on? Have you lost your favourite footwear and as a consequence can’t go to the supermarket, or to a ball? Do you have ugly sisters who are really cross-dressing men or an evil stepmother who makes you do unpaid cooking and cleaning? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be single-handedly handling this perplexing case and hope to be in line for a very large cash reward when I find who the “slipper” fits. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) “Cinderella’s glass slipper” found earlier today in the park

International Twerking Finals

Posted on 27/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

This is a message to remind you all that this friday night The Blind Badger will be hosting the 3rd Annual International Twerking Finals in our back room. Seventeen of the World’s finest twerkers will be descending on Beckworth in the hope of winning a trophy and £500 prize money. Last year’s winner Vera Cyrus-Jones (Mylie Cyrus‘s English cousin) will be head judge alongside Strictly Come Dancing’s “Mr Seven” Len Goodman and local celeb and handyman Les Dennis. A rivetting evening is assured and after the finals Gareth Gates’ Mobile Disco will be rocking the room. It’s only a tenner on the door and this week’s featured ale at the pub is Liquid Night-Rogen. Warning: If you don’t like people wearing flesh-coloured bikinis, showing off their bottoms or grabbing their genitals, then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

(Above) The International Twerking Trophy, won last year by Mylie Cyrus’s Cousin Vera

Word Of The Year Announced

Posted on 19/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Cambridge Dictionaries have today announced their word of 2013, Smurfy. Although virtually unknown this time last year the word is now the most used verb in the western Hemishere. Celebrities, pop-stars and even World leaders such as Barack Obama and David Cameron are literally queuing up to boost their street cred with a sneaky smurfy (For those of you still living in the dark ages a smurfy is the act of creating a self-portrait using a camera-phone, or more traditional oil paints, whilst dressed as a smurf). Interestingly last years’ word of the year, flatulent, has very quickly dropped out of use primarily since it was banned by the BBC for being over-used in episodes of Eastenders and lowering the tone of University Challenge. Christine Batley. Chief Verb And Noun Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) David Cameron boosting his chances of re-election with a quick smurfy

Mary Portas Opens New High-Street Attraction

Posted on 18/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hi, after many months of planning the council can confirm that Mary Portas has today succeeded in regenerating Beckworth high-street by installing one of her very attractive Portas Loos. It’s already proved a must visit destination with no less than 21 people relieved to use the patended self-flushing convenience today alone, and the first, local celeb and witty Irishman Terry Wogan, even received a certificate (after he’d washed his hands). In line with getting as much TV-exposure as possible the mobile toilet was unveiled by Mrs Portas herself whilst the local scouts’ brass band played God Save The Queen in the pouring rain. In line with inflation the cost of spending a penny is just £1.50, or £5 if you do a number two (though that does include free toilet roll), a bargain in these times of recession. The loo is bright pink so easy to find and presently sited right outside the funeral parlour, so is well situated for Santa’s Grotto and Decembers’ January sales. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Mary Portas checks her make-up whilst using the new high street Portas Loo

International Show Opens Tomorrow

Posted on 18/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just a reminder that Beckworth’s car parks may be a bit busier than normal this week as we are set to be swamped by foreign and native trade deligations visiting this years’ International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show. This is the 12th year Beckworth has hosted the prestigious show, which promises the unveiling of some World firsts. The grand opening tomorrow at 6.30am will be presided over by no less than Mr and Mrs Wheelbarrows themselves, Richard and Judy Madeley. Tickets are still available for the four day event, so get yourself down to the village hall to see all that’s new in hand-propelled vehicles and to discover the fascinating world of airbourne- water technology. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) Wheelbarrow fans Richard & Judy “horsing” about in advance
of this weeks International show

Tempah Tantrum Over Blown Bulbs

Posted on 13/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Well, what a fantastic evening was had by all yesterday when local folk singer Tinie Tempah switched on Beckworth’s Christmas lights, probably the town’s best ever. And fortunately the ceremony was almost fault free and quite professional, we certainly didn’t want a repeat of last year when comedy duo Jedward were late arriving (their train was derailed by the wrong sort of leaves on the line), or the year before when Dame Judie Dench fell off the podium trying to press the faulty lights-on button. This year the only hiccup was a dozen bulbs blowing after the switch-on, leaving very small Mr Tampah inconsolable. But once placated with a mars bar and a Diet Fanta the little fella said the lights were “very pretty” or rap words to that effect. With the street lit-up it really does feel like Christmas is at last on it’s way… Also, a special mention to local lads made good, Jamie Oliver and his friend Gordon Ramsey, for their wonderful mulled wine and chilli infused mince pies, very yummy though not cheap at £15 a pop. Well done to Mssrs Oliver, Gordon and Mr Tiny. Christine Batley. Chief Christmas Lights Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Tiny Mr Tempah is carried by his minder to switch on the Christmas lights

Pantomime – Open Auditions

Posted on 11/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Pantomime season is almost upon us and in the spirit of Christmas The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for some minor walk-on parts in this year’s theatrical extravaganza. We are extremely lucky to be putting on the first ever production of Cinderella and The Seven Beanstalks, written by Beckworth’s very own Mr Musical, Andrew Lloyd Webber (with a bit of help from his brother Sir Tim Rice). And a successful panto wouldn’t be a success if the lead parts weren’t taken by The Krankies (as the ugly giants), a member of Eastenders (Dot Cotton aka June Brown will be playing Cinderella) and a 1980s pop singer you may vaguely have heard of (Professional scouser Sonia will be playing one of our beanstalks). Other stars appearing will be Alan Titchmarsh as Zips (Button’s brother), Coldplay and Muse as the Seven Dwarfs and Jodie Marsh as Prince Charming . But we will still need cast members for inconsequential non-speaking parts. Auditions for these will be held this Thursday evening at 7.30 in our rehearsal space (above Chiswicks The Fishmongers) and are open to anyone who can sing and dance and are extremely good looking. Director (and local politician) Nick Clegg says he wants to find the next Su Bo and Gareth Gates, so please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own tap shoes. Given the success of our last panto, Aladdin In The Hood, we expect to be a large turn-out, so arrive early. See you Thursday, Chico (producer)

(Above) Eastender’s June Brown trying on her Cinderella costume earlier today

Remember Remember Our 5th Of November

Posted on 06/11/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Thank you to all who attended last night’s spectacular Beckworth bonfire celebrations and a special thanks to the emergency services who quickly dealt with all the injuries and the many incidents of arson. The fire brigade were very quickly on the scene to put out the fire at the scout hut which meant the very realistic re-enactment of the gunpowder plot could proceed, albeit without the benefit of having a roof . Also, special mention goes to Noel Edmonds who valiantly put on his (would-be) torch-lit kite display despite running out of batteries. For the few who could make out his kites in the dark night sky it was quite spectacular… probably. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) A dramatic moment captured during Noel Edmonds’ kite display

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

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