Gormley Sculpture Swept Away

Posted on 24/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It is with a heavy heart that I have to relay the sad news that Antony Gormley (OBE)’s new sculpture “Mother (On Benefits) Of The Repossessed has been accidentally disposed of just hours after it’s unveiling in Beckworth. The head of the council’s waste disposal and street cleansing dept was quoted as saying “It looked so much like rubbish that one of our enthusiastic street operatives just swept it up and deposited it into his cart which was then emptied at the local tip” The council has promised to try and “rebuild” the sculpture as they are believed to have found a few bits of the art work. So good luck with that. Christine Batley. Chief Art And Recycling Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Antony Gormley’s sculpture stood here earlier today

Where Do You Think You Are?

Posted on 16/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. You may have noticed that today the town has been swamped by a three-man BBC camera crew filming a new TV series. “Where Do You Think You Are?” is hosted by the pretty model and ex-army cadet Fern Cotton and sees celebrities dropped into the middle of nowhere with just a rain-mac, some boiled sweets and a compass to test their survival skills. Without any previous training they are expected to find their way back to their birthplace within a week by living on their wits, stealing food and walking miles as riding on public transport or getting taxis is off-limits. The episode they are filming in and around Beckworth sees Dale Winton trying to return to his Gran’s council flat in Bethnal Green with, I am told, hilarious consequences. It sounds like a must see programme, so good luck to Dale and the BBC. Christine Batley. Chief TV and Survival Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Dale Winton passes through Beckworth on his way to his Gran’s in East London

Prescott Express Delayed By Leaves On The Line

Posted on 09/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Many commuters were today struck by a double-dose of travel misery, effecting both the working-classes who can’t afford a car (or are banned from driving) and inconveniencing residents who choose to shun local shops and drive to the large out-of-town Tesburys supermarket. Users of the Beckworth to Slocombe Road experienced long queues as the road is dug up by utility companies for the fifth time in six months (work is expected to last 4 weeks and leave deep potholes in the road) and for train users delays are ongoing on the recently opened 3 mile Beckworth to Inmanston railway (due to leaves on the line and the wrong kind of rain splashing the rails). A spokesman for the rail franchise (run by ex-politician John “One Train” Prescott) said “once we can be arsed to clear the tracks a normal two trains a week service will resume. In the meantime a rail-replacement bus service is in operation and Beckworth Roamer travelcards will be accepted by local bike-hire companies.” So good luck to all travellers during this difficult time. Christine Batley. Chief Transport Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Rail Franchise owner, and sole train driver, John Prescott earlier today patiently waiting at a red signal near Beckworth station due to lethal leaves on, and near, the track

First Faith School Opens

Posted on 04/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, as parents and lollypop operatives will know today is the first day of the new school year and Beckworth has additional cause to celebrate as the town’s very first faith school has opened it’s automatic sliding doors for the first time. Based in the disused and arson-damaged Woolworth’s shop on Madonna Lane the aptly named St Godless-Or-Not is the UK’s first agnostic faith school for 7 to 11 year olds. Opened at 8.45 this morning by local celebrity and school governor James Corden the school curriculum boasts lessons in shiatsu, ballroom dancing and crown green bowls alongside curriculum subjects with the aim of bringing a “broad church” of education to the young enquiring minds of Beckworth. They are also hoping to offer after-school clubs in the future (such as chess, ballet, poker, car respraying and glass-blowing) though they are waiting for second-hand unheated portakabins to be put in place first. Good luck to pupils, staff and parents. Christine Batley. Chief Schools & Education Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) James Cordon opening local Agnostic faith school

New Season. Transfer Window Closed

Posted on 03/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, it’s football season again and an apt time to congratulate Beckworth And Slocombe Academicals on their success so far in the Co-Operative FuneralCare League. They’ve averaged losing 3-0 in the past few weeks which is a vast improvement on last seasons average of 8-0, and last Saturday saw them lose a very respectable 2-0 against Dynorod FC (Goal scorers: part-time actor Robert Pattinson and ex-pop-sensation Justin Timberlake). So well done to manager and trainer Daniel Craig and to the whole team. Also congratulations are due because yesterday, after a nail-biting close to the transfer window, the team secured the services of striker, and local butcher, Kevin “Babyface” Ilford. After protracted negotiations he was bought for £27 from league champions KwikFit United which should further improve BSA’s chances this season. Christine Batley. Chief Football Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Chris And Daniel Take To The Air

Posted on 06/08/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. I just wanted to share the great news that TV naturist, novice-pilot and local celeb, Chris Packham has this week raised an amazing £186.72 for Beckworth hospice by flying solo in a bi-plane for over 15 minutes. It was the first time Chris, with the aid of his map-reading best friend Daniel, had ever flown solo and although he’d hoped to be airbourne for at least 6 hours he was still upbeat. Chris and Daniel were quoted as saying “Wow, that was the thrill of a life-time. We only tried flying a couple of weeks back as a bet with Bill Oddie but now we’ve got the bug. And raising all that money made me feel like the Last Of The Famous International Playboys!” When asked why they hadn’t flown for longer Pilot Peckham explained “Well i’ve only had a couple of lessons so far and although Dan is a Handsome Devil he’s a ******* lousy map reader. So instead of flying to the south of France to see Morrissey in concert, we crash landed soon after take-off in a field near Kings Lynn.” Co-Pilot Daniel added “Still at least no one was badly injured and me and Chris had a good laugh about it, once we’d got out the burning wreckage.” On being discharged from hospital the intrepid duo were asked if they planned to continue flying? A good humoured yet shaken Mr Christopher Reckham and Mr Daniel Owl replied “Of course, I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish… All I need is someone to lend us another ******* plane” So it’s well done to Chris and Daniel. Christine Batley. Chief Flying Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Chris and Daniel airbourne just prior to their near-fatal crash landing in Kings Lynn

Lightning Strikes Twice At Theme Park

Posted on 30/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Last night the World famous Iceland foods themed Iceland Land Theme Park in Slocombe was struck by lightning, not once but twice, causing damage to two of it’s most popular rides. The Kerry Katona Big Wheel had some seats burnt to a cinder and the Johnny Depp Carrousel had it’s roof burnt off. Thank goodness the park was closed at the time, otherwise people could have been seriously hurt and want their money back. The storm raged for over 8 hours and 12 fire engines had to attend the fires, which are now safely under control. It is hoped the damaged rides will be quickly fixed by local DIY SOS legend Nick Knowles and a massive clear up by the local scouts and guides is already underway. On hearing of the fire a spokesperson for Iceland figurehead Kerry Katona said “Ms Katona isn’t up yet but she’d pass the message on.” The theme park manager is keen to stress that 56.5% of the park is still open for business and was quoted during the electrical storm as saying “Hey Mum, this school holiday bring the kid’s down to Iceland Land and buy some out-of date party food whilst you’re here.” Christine Batley. Chief Storm Damage Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Lighning strikes the Kerry Katona and Johnny Depp rides last night

Baby King To Be Named The Boy George

Posted on 25/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. I’m pumped up with excitment (just like a big helium balloon filled with joy) and all because I’m able to share with you the breaking news from yesterday that our new baby King is to be named George. As predicted he has been named after his parents favourite entertainer, though no one realised the esteemed “My Sweet Lord” guitarist was even in the running. A Royal sauce close to the young Royal couple was overheard on a bus saying “William and Kate have recently been playing a lot of Prince Philips old records and become big fans of The Rolling Stones and The Beatles” she went on to say “Up until the Queen arrived yesterday the name Mick was a firm favourite. But in a twist of fate HM Queen Elizabeth II was humming “Love Me Do” when she first met her new Great-Grandson and so The Beatles were chosen to be the namesakes.” So from now on the baby King of Kings will be named Prince George Paul John Ringo of Cambridge, though to save energy in public and to reflect his humble roots he will simply be referred to as the Boy George. I’m sure you will agree that the Royals have chosen beautiful names for their son and I’m predicting that Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Ringo Starr will be Godfathers though, I hear David Walliams is also in the “frame.” The Royal couple are now taking a well-earned break with the baby Prince at Kate’s parent’s holiday “villa” at a caravan park in Bangor. Anyway, I will let you know more about the baby as it comes. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The Beatles in their heyday when they were alive

Baby Prince Charming Goes Home

Posted on 23/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to let you know that at 7.15 this evening, just before a rivetting episode of Eastenders, Sir William and Duchess Middleton left Beckworth General Hospital and took home their future heir, the baby boy Prince “Charming” (Likely to be called Neville or Steve). Stopping briefly to chat to photographers, and to Richard & Judy who were coming out of Sainsco with a weeks shopping, the Royal couple took a mini cab back to their home. Stopping off on the way to pick-up a well deserved Tikka Massala a curry-house source said the young couple looked the picture of young Royal love and got given 3 free commemorative poppadoms. Anyway, I will let you know more about the baby when I can. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Limited Edition commemorative poppadoms

A King Is Born

Posted on 22/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It is wonderful to be able to share with you the news that Prince William and Princess Kate Middleton have given birth to our future heir, the baby boy King Of England. Born at 4.30 this afternoon, just before Noel Edmonds’ Deal Or No Deal, the baby was said “to be a real big bairn” by a Royal aide and to have his Grandfather’s ears. As is usual at Royal births the umbilical chord was cut by the reigning monarch and the baby presented to the hundreds of Royals, courtiers and ministers in attendance. But in a break with tradition the birth video will not be uploaded to youtube (though a commemorative DVD is planned). No news on the name but rumour mongers are saying Neville is the couple’s favourite. Anyway, I will let you know more about the birth when I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A relaxed Noel Edmonds hosts his popular TV quiz
just minutes after the birth of our new King

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: Christine Batley