Category Archives: Nelly Ryde

Bake-Off Star Missing In Action

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Dear all. Just a quick update on The Great British Bake Off for those following my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo, the gifted singer and entertainer. The observant amongst you will probably notice his absence from tonight’s episode. This was due to Jack helping the police with their enquiries when tonight’s programme was filmed. But the show’s very understanding producers have allowed Jack to stay in the competition. It’s fortunate that amateur photographer Jack had some very “interesting” photos of people associated with the programme and he used these as his “get out of jail free” card. Mary Berry and her son Paul Lollywood have said they are chuffed to bits that non-talented Jack is still in the running to win Bake Off this year.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Mary puts on a brave face but her son Paul is really missing contestant Jack this week

Bake Off Up In Smoke

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Dear all. I bet you’re enjoying The Great British Bake Off as much as me and all because my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo is doing wonders. He must be a dead cert for the final. Yesterday Jack was voted baker of the week for his Savoury Pastie (which he’d cleverly bought earlier from Greggs). By causing a distraction in the tent (he’s a trained arsonist) Jack was able to produce his pastry without anyone noticing he hadn’t so much as rolled out any pastry or turned his oven on! Mary Berry and her son Paul Bollywood even said it was the best pastie they’d ever tasted. So congratulations to Jack, Greggs and the local fire brigade.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Jack’s lovingly presented pasty, the bake of the week as chosen by Mary Berry and her hungry son Paul

The Great British Fake Off

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Dear all. Another week on The Great British Bake Off and once more it’s well done to my “clever” cousin Jack-A-GooGoo for getting through to the next round. I can’t tell you how he survived, suffice to say money changed hands. Quick thinking Jack was very lucky to have a large stash of cash on him when he was found to have presented a shop bought battenburg as his Euro cake “showstopper”. Still Mary Berry and her son Paul Brentwood saw the funny side and tucked into the cake, Paul even commenting that Mr Kipling was his baking idol. The Bake-Off hosts really seem to have taken a shine to non-cook Jack and I hear they are betting on him winning.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Jack’s showstopping Battenburg cake

Drink & Be Berry

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Dear all. I just wanted to say well done to my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo for getting through to the next round on The Great British Bake Off. “Befriending” Mary Berry and her son Paul Hollytree in the bar between bakes has certainly paid off. Clumsy alcoholic Jack can’t cook for toffee but he’s the life and soul of a party, especially when it’s the BBC that’s paying for it.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Paul awaits his BFF Jack in the Bake-Off bar

Local Lad Bakes Good. Again

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Dear all. I just want to congratulate my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo for his inventive baking on The Great British Bake Off last night. Jack could so easily have been kicked off the show as his bread making was crap. But Jack used his “loaf” and added a “sweetener” to his showstopper, so Mary Berry and her son Paul Hollybush voted someone else off instead. Well done to Jack and to the Berry family for seeing sense.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) A “tickled” Mary Berry and moody son Paul admire Jack’s slightly-overdone “show-stopping” bun

Local Lad Bakes Good

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Dear all, just to say my cousin Jack will be on The Great British Bake Off next week, so please watch him as he’ll need your support. Jack missed the first two weeks of the competition as he had to finish community service first, but he’s bound to be a star of the show when he gets in that tent with Mrs Berry and her son Paul. He first learnt to bake at her Majesty’s pleasure and it’s almost kept him on the straight and narrow ever since. You may remember Jack not as a baker but as a local heat runner-up on Stars In Their Eyes seven years ago, when he performed solo as the famous 1980s rock group Kajagoogoo, but of course he’s now best known for almost winning The Voice last year. He still performs his popular tribute act Jack-Agoogoo and is available for bookings (though not on Tuesday mornings as he signs on then and not weekends cause that’s when they film Bake Off).

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Jack, second from left, joins the other 2014 Bake Off contestants in a tent

Royal Choice On The Voice

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Dear all, just to say that I have taken my Voice vote-rigging complaint to the watchdog, OffGen, and i’ll let you know how I get on. It looks very much as if all the votes were directed towards one singer, which would have been a fair landslide if it had been Tom Jones protoge, my cousin Jack-Agoogoo. I have had more than five emails of support and two people are joining me in not paying the licence fee. On a positive note the Palace has contacted me to say The Queen wants to book Jack to sing Kajagoogoo songs at the birth of Wills and Kate‘s first child (and they let slip the child will be called Neville, but I’m sworn to secrecy). So even Royalty recognises who should have won.

Yours Nelly Ryde. Manager Jack-AgooGoo

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(Above) William and Kate of Wales overjoyed at the news that the Queen has booked Jack-Agoogoo to sing at the birth of their first child, Prince Neville

Dubious Choice On The Voice

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Dear all, I imagine you are as gutted as me about tonights final of The Voice. I mean, what the h**l happened? How could a clear winner, Jack-Agoogoo, come third? He gave his all, even suffering a suspected heart attack (later diagnosed as indigestion) mid-song. That alone should have got the sympathy votes. Tom Jones is in pieces as he lost a big bet that would have seen him set up for life. I’m not alone in blaming ruddy Will.I.Am for the lack of votes, fancy saying Jack’s singing was flat. It wasn’t flat. Poor Jack’s suffered throughout the whole series by having faulty microphones. Anyway, we were so obviously robbed that we’re demanding a recount (by people not a computer). He deserved to win, he was street’s ahead of the two birds and every week he was viewers choice. So watch this space as I’m going to fight this all the way for my cousin Jack. Until this is resolved I won’t be paying my TV licence and you should do the same. That should get the BBC to recount and make the right choice of winner.

Yours Nelly Ryde. Manager Jack-AgooGoo

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(Above) Andrea Begley, allegedly winning the Voice 2013

Make The Right Choice Tonight On The Voice

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Dear all, just a quick message as I rush off to the Voice studios for tonight’s live final. We need your votes more than ever to help Jack-Agoogoo win tonight, because in a bout of paranoia the BBC have replaced my friends and family as vote counters with a ruddy computer (which we all know can go wrong). So please plesae please vote for my cousin Jack. He deserves to win if only to get more lucrative gigs in the future.

Thansk Nelly, Jack-Agoogoo’s manager

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(Above) Jack relaxes pre-show with host of The Voice, Holly Willoughby

Top Choice On The Voice

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Dear all, I’d just like to say a huge thank you to all of you who voted my cousin Jack through to next week’s live final of The Voice. Your support makes all the hard work worthwhile, and don’t forget if you bring me your phone bill showing the Voice phone number on it at least 20 times, there’ll be £2 off your next bill at 99p Land (if I’m on the tills)! I also have to say a very huge thank you to my friends and family who manned the phones last night at the BBC and to my Uncle Bryan for counting up the final votes. Just to say, if last night had been the final, and not the semi’s, Jack would have romped home with over 80% of all the votes!!! Tom Jone’s is well chuffed with the results as he has a large bet on Jack winning that could pay off his mortgage and payday loan. Just a reminder that Jack is still available for bookings (of his popular Kajagoo tribute act Jack-Agoogoo), though once he wins The Voice this coming Saturday he will cost a lot more to book.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack-Agoogoo’s manager and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Jack-Agoogoo takes a fag break during rehearsals