World Anaesthesia Day Celebrated In Local Hospital Today

Posted on 16/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking medical news… Our local hospital, Beckworth General, is throwing open the doors to it’s operating theatres today in celebration of the invention of anesthetics a few hundred years ago on this very day. Anaemia, invented by some doctor or nurse somewhere, made it possible for patients to have operations without pain. And the sleeping gas they use is great at parties as it makes your voice sound really funny. Today at the hospital members of the public will have tons of the gas to play with and have the run of normally out of bounds areas. They’ll even be able to put on gowns and stuff and put volunteers “under.” Or be put to sleep themselves. No medical training is needed, but sadly smoking is prohibited. Euthanasia day sounds like great fun, so i’ll probably pop along myself to get a few hours induced sleep. Just as long as no one accidentally operates on me!!! Christine Batley. Chief Anaglypta Day Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Some real doctors and nurses have a go at euthanasia in preparation of today’s opening of their operating theatres

The Kid’s Have Gone Bonkers Over Conkers

Posted on 07/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking horse-chestnut news… Local Police and schools have today announced they are banning the collection and carrying of conkers by minors (By that they mean young children. Not filthy men who dig for coal and eat Cornish pasties). This is due to a huge spate of injuries caused by under 12s pelting passers by with the large brown seeds. Local Police have taken 126 children into custody and thus far three infant-school children have been charged with GBH and will be sentenced at the high court later this year. Or next. Christine Batley. Chief Feral And Violent Pre-Teens Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Local conkers lay abandoned now all the town’s children are in Police cells

Local Restaurant Wins First Michelin Star

Posted on 17/09/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Tummy-rumbling news just in… Local restaurant, and takeaway, The Bamboo Caravan has won the town’s very first Michelin star. Nigel Po, proprieter and chef, proudly showed off the entry in this years’ just published guide and told me over a chop-suey “I knew that one day I would get recognition for my skills in the kitchen and win this lovely accolade…” before adding “Especially since my cousin became the local Michelin restaurant inspector” Congratulations to Mr Po and all his talented staff. Christine Batley. Chief Crispy Duck & Spring Roll Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Michelin’s very own Michelin Man, Greg Wallace, unveils this years’ Star winners

First Day At Reopened School Year

Posted on 02/09/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Edukation news just in… Today is the day many parents and teachers have worked tirelessly for over the past few weeks, tirning the failing Beckworth High School into the “shiny” new Beckworth Academy. A lick of paint and getting the lecky back on have transformed the old education blackspot and local children are said to very excited about attending school today…. Congratulations to all involved. Christine Batley. Chief Schools Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The transformed failing school which recently attained Academie status and will reopen today… If pupils and teachers show up

Local Residents Disappointment Over Ashley Madison Leak

Posted on 29/08/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Extramarital news just in… A street survey conducted this week about the Ashley Madison (adultery website) leak shows that 97% of local residents are extremely outraged about the shameful hacking of names and addresses of site users. The most common reason given for people’s fury is that none of Beckworth’s residents are on the list. “This is a real disappointment” said one person “I find it hard to believe that no one round here’s having an affair.” Another explained “Being on a leaked “swingers” list could have put Beckworth on the map!” He then added imploringly “I for one would love to get some hot action. Her indoors has always got a migraine. Or her lumbagos playing up” I’ll keep you posted if more details from the survey may come in, or if i get any leaked names to share… Christine Batley. Chief Elicit Nooky-On-The-Side Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) An artists impression of two randy Ashley Madison members having an illicit affair. At a garden centre.

Local Tory Faithful Thanked In Honours List

Posted on 28/08/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking House of Lords news just in… The Conservative Government has just announced on facebook that a vast number of the Tory failthful, who helped them get a second term in office, are to be “thanked” in today’s vast honours list. Of the 376 new peerages 375 have quite rightly been given to aspirational and very generous male conservative donors. And four live in Beckworth. It’s certainly a great day for the town, and the country, and of course shows that capitalism and well placed investments in politics work wonders. I’ll keep you posted if i get more Lordly news… Christine Batley. Chief Honours For Sale Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Some lost Lords looking for the loos in the House Of Lords earlier today

Local People Urged To Sign Up To Breakthrough Medical Trials

Posted on 21/08/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Medical breakthrough news just in… Local pharamaceutical giant Goctor & Pramble have just made medical history, unveiling the world’s first cure for pubic baldness in The Lancet medical journal and garnering wordwide acclaim. Their patented Magnetic Merkin is claimed to be a life-changer for sufferers, up there with penecilin and incontinence pants. But before any such medical breakthrough can be sold to the NHS for billions of tax-payers pounds they must be trialed on poor people and made safe. The merkins proved fine when worn by lab-rats but the Beckworth employer is now asking for human volunteers to help them iron out any flaws with the natural looking synthetic pastel-hued hair-pieces. The company will pay impoverished local residents a nominal fee to wear the breakthrough metal-attracting pubic wig 24/7 for three months to flag up any disabilitating side-effects, such as genital chaffing, allergic-reactions and lead-poisoning. Goctor & Pramble’s inventor of the magnetic merkin Dr Neville Edmonds issued the following statement today: “I took my inspiration from my brother Noel’s beard and the everyday household items trapped within it. It struck me that groin-wigs could be enhanced by adding the life-improving high-tech benefit of magnetism.” He went on to add “Wearing one will make the patient’s discrete pubic region the ideal place to safely store all their family and friend’s metalic nik-naks. Such as keys, loose change, iron-mongery and cameras, whilst also covering up their privates from prying-eyes… And they will come in a one-size fits-all for ease of manufacture and comfort.” I will keep you updated on the trials as they happen, and I for one will be signing up to take part and earn £26 a week” Christine Batley. Chief Pubic Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Noel Edmonds, sporting his inspirational nik-nak strewn beard

Local Dog Impressionist Injured During “Heated” Rehearsals

Posted on 18/08/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Shocking news just in… Late last night Barking Mad Billy Bristol, famed local dog-impersonator and controversial winner of this year’s Crufts‘ Best In Show, was injured whilst rehearsing the finale of his latest daring canine act. Mr Barking was practicing jumping through a burning hoop whilst dressed as a poodle when his costume caught fire and as a consequence his wooden-shed collapsed in on him. Fire, air-ambulance and RSPCA crews were quickly on the scene and at first thought the casualty was a real pooch, so good was Mr Bristol’s outfit and pain-induced howling. The crews worked tirelessly to extinguish the blaze and pull the pretend-poodle out from the smouldering shed and after three hours he was free. Unfortunately they failed to save Billy’s realistic costume and his own lustrous hair. He is now recovering in hospital and was well enough this morning to have breakfasted on a big bone and relieved himself against a lamppost outside A&E. I’ll keep you posted on Mr Mad’s recovery as it happens. Christine Batley. Chief Man Dressed As A Poodle Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Barking Mad Billy Bristol pictured earlier today before his near-fatal accident

Suspected Mafia Don Arrested

Posted on 13/07/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Very exciting criminal news just in… This morning at around 8.27am heavily-armed police swooped on the Costa Nostra Cafe, on Springsteen Street, and arrested a suspected Mafia don. A witness was quoted as saying “At first we thought the bobby’s were there for their usual big fry-up, but imagine our surprise when they just ordered croissants… they then proceeded to (hand-) cuff local window cleaner Tony “The Nut” Pistachio who was quietly enjoying beans on toast. With a latte.” Another witness added “The coppers told me that they think 83 year old Tony is actually Anthony “The Total Nut” Cashew. The ruthless leader of the Sicilian crime family The Cashews & Brazils…” he went on “This Anthony’s been wanted by Interpol for 62 years, so if it’s him the Beckworth Police will be hoping for a large cash reward… And some shiny medals.” Ron “Don” Corleone the cafe owner chipped in saying “I don’t mind mafia arrests over breakfast, that’s just a hazard of running an Italian eatery… What i dislike is that the rozzers haven’t paid for their ruddy breakfasts.” No doubt this will put Beckworth on the crime-wave map, so I’ll keep you posted on the arrest, deportation etc as it happens. Christine Batley. Chief Criminal Underworld Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Corky Crashes Out

Posted on 09/07/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Exciting sports news just in… I’m sure we were all cheering on local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford yesterday, as he played in the quarter finals at Wimbledon on Centre Court. It was so disheartening to see the almost-completely blind 91 year old survivor of two hip replacements roundly thrashed in straight sets by a player almost four times his junior. And despite getting into a fist-fight with a ball-girl, Corky did Beckworth and England proud. And as he said in a post-match interview “never mind there’s always next year…” But it’s easy for him to be positive, what did he have to lose? I’m unhappy as I had a £10 bet on him winning in the final against Andy Murray. So it wasn’t a good day for me! Christine Batley. Chief Betting On Tennis At Wimbledon Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Corky in action against Richard Gasquet earlier yesterday at Wimbledon

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: The Beckworth Guardian