Shrove Tuesday Traditions To Make A Welcome Return

Posted on 08/02/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello and an early happy Easter. Tomorrow is pancake day, or to give it it’s old school name, Shrove Tuesday. And I am please to announce that the council is reintroducing many ancient traditions that health and safety saw fit to ban over previous decades. First up, the traditional Shrove Tuesday mob football match of Beckworth residents against the citizens of Slocombe through the streets of our towns and in and out of all the ale houses will be reintroduced with kick off at 11am outside the scout hut. Next up will be the return of pancake rolling race down Bottomsup Hill, starting at 2, and the day will climax at 6 with the “Crepe Crowning” of Beckworth’s King of Eggs, Queen of Plain Flour, Princess Of A Pinch Of Salt, and Prince Of Milk and Vegetable Oil. This will happen on the lawn outside the Blind Badger followed by an evening of drinking games and dancing. For the kids there will be the traditional blindfolded pin-the-tail-on-the-pancake taking place all day on the banks of the River Winnet. See you tomorrow, Mayor G. Grimsby

(Above) An artists impression of how mob football looked a few years ago before namby-pamby health & safety sods banned it. I’m glad to see it’s coming back!

Local Celebrity To Be Flown In As Replacement On Dangerous TV Show

Posted on 08/02/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. I hope you’ll all start watching Channel 4′s dreadful programme The Jump, as my cousin Jack a Googoo will be appearing on it as of this week. Due to so many celebrities getting injured on the show and quitting Jack was offered a lot of money to be flown out to some snowy mountain and appear on the dangerous amateur ski jump programme. He will of course sing his covers of Kajagoogoo classics whilst flying through the air. And the producers didn’t seem that bothered that under normal circumstances he finds standing up difficult, so God knows what he’ll be like on ski’s? Anyway, it should make Channel 4 worth watching for once!

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, ski instructor and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above) Jack a Googoo looks forward to some apres ski earlier today

Local Shop Keeper Announced As New Top Gear Presenter

Posted on 04/02/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I just thought i’d let you know that the BBC has announced it’s hired local shopkeeper Matt Le Blanc to join their Top Gear televisual programme as a presenter. Mr Blanc, son of chef Raymond and a “resting actor” is of course best known in Beckworth as the owner of the Plonk De Le Blanc off-licence. Like many of our shopkeepers he took a second job, in his case performing bit-parts in television comedies, to get him through the recession and keep his shop open. Mr Matt will be joining the Top Gear next month alongside local mobile-DJ and hair salon owner Chris Evans and Beckworth’s famed blind driving instructor Mr The Stig. Good look to the boys, I hope the money made from their telly programme will help keep their local businesses afloat through these difficult times. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

(Above) A clearly delighted Matt Le Blanc joins his fellow Top Gear hosts, Mr Evans and the mysterious Mr Stig, earlier today

Improve Your Image Amongst Trendy Friends

Posted on 03/02/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Alright fans, how ya doing? Missing me being on TV I’ll wager? Don’t worry I’ll be back on soon. In the meantime i’ve got a nifty new business venture for you… Are you too scared to invite poncy veggie friends round for a slap up dinner ’cause you only keep frozen meat in the house? Maybe you’re intimidated by cocky mates who know the difference between King Edwards and Granny Smiths? Or don’t want to look like a right muppet down the pub as you’ve said you grow your own? Maybe, just like me, you lead too hectic a celebrity life to keep fresh groceries in the house but want to impress birds with your fruit salad when you get them home after 18 pints and a ruby (a curry). If the answer is yes then my new delivery service is for you… Greg’s Fruit & Veg Hire. Simply put, i’m offering to rent out (and deliver on me bike) bowls of overripe “organic” fruit, handfuls of greens (sprouts, cabbage etc) or sacks of sad-looking spuds by the hour… for up to 6 months at a time!!! I must be nuts but, for a bit of extra cash, i’ll even cover the stuff in mud so you can look like you know your way around an allotment (but without having to lift a (green) finger or get your trendy hands dirty). So why not give me a try and give your “metrosexual” self-sufficiency image a boost. You can even text through orders if you just can’t be arsed to phone or pop in person. So what you waiting for? Fill your home with borrowed foodstuffs today. Yours, Greg Wallace. Master Gregs the Grocers

(Above) Greg Wallace doing the rounds on his bicycle delivering rented groceries to Beckworth residents earlier today

Space Station Overhead Today

Posted on 02/02/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking space-age news just in… Our very own locally trained astronaut Tim Peake will be going over the night skies of Beckworth later today so keep a look out in case he waves. Tim, the first Englishman in space, is relaxing on an extended holiday outside the Earth’s atmosphere on an old self-catering Russian space station. He told his Mum in a text-message that he hopes to back home in time for Easter; as he loves chocolate eggs but forgot to pack any. And he’s already run out of fags. I’ll keep you up to date on this “weightless” story as it happens. Christine Batley. Chief “You Wouldn’t Catch Me Up In Space” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) UK astronaut Tim Peake chillaxes on the space station by playing the recorder

Come & Try Yoga In The Vestry

Posted on 01/02/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that tonight I am launching yoga classes in the church for the over 18s. I have done a few days training with a Church of England Yogi (a yoga teacher) from the mystical east, Norwich, and am now fully qualified to teach Anglican positions. So come along and sample a few key moves such as Climbing The Mount Of Olives, Picking Fruit With Adam & Eve, Clambering Aboard The Ark and then Dowsing The Burning Bush. For more advanced movers I’ll teach The Upward Star and The Downward Parting Of The Waves, the Loaves & Fishes aka The Feeding Of The 5000 and The Father, Son & Holy Ghost Salutations. Then we’ll wind down and breathe easy with the Three Wisemen, a Water Into Wine and finish off with a Comfy Crucifixion and an Amen. See you at 7 for our first class, and please wear appropriate attire, bring a yoga mat and a large bottle of water.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) The vicar of St Faith’s readying himself for teaching C of E yoga classes

Don’t Ever Watch The Voice Again

Posted on 25/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. Apologies to all those who tuned into the The Voice last Saturday to watch my cousin Jack a Googoo sing his way to win the appalling singing show. Unfortunately due to a fracas just before Jack was due on stage meant that poor Jack was ejected from the studios. Jack is accused of punching a producer, something that happens a lot at the BBC I hear, and is now banned from their reality shows. I’m thinking of starting a petition to get the awful show off the BBC, it’s a waste of tax payers money, in the meantime don’t watch it! But not to worry as every storm cloud has a silver lining; Jack has recently taken up acting and is starting to make his name as an extra. He’s already filmed a few scenes for TV; this coming Sunday he is some Russian bloke in War & Peace and in February he’ll be seen playing a violent drunk on Casualty. The director told me he was a natural. I didn’t have the heart to tell him Jack was actually p****d during filming. I believe they call it method acting. They didn’t even have to use pretend vomit because Jack was so good. And don’t despair, although talented Jack is embarking on a new career he is still available for bookings to sing Kajagoogoo songs at political demos, childrens’ parties, wakes, shop openings, etc. So give me a ring to book him before he’s whisked off to Hollywood.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, survival trainer and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above, circled in red) Jack-A-Googoo pictured with the happy cast of War & Peace

Watch The Voice This Weekend

Posted on 22/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. I hope you’ll all be watching The Voice this Saturday as my cousin Jack a Googoo will be back on it. It’s his second attempt at winning the frankly appalling show and he stands a very good chance of winning now that Tom Jones isn’t on it (Tom was threatened by Jack’s singing ability. And by some photos Jack had). Jack tells me he’s hoping to get on Boy George‘s team this time (He’s got some “interesting” photos of him which got him back on the show), so he’s chosen to sing Calm The Chameleon. I think the show is filmed live from 7 so make sure you tune in and vote for him to win. Let’s get Jack back on TV so he can raise his celebrity profile. And whilst Jack is on the telly his bookings to sing Kajagoogoo songs at weddings, births, deaths, divorces, etc. will cost quite a bit more… But don’t worry, give me a ring to book him and i’ll do you a tidy deal.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, survival trainer and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above) Boy George pictured earlier today on his way to have his bikini-line waxed prior to The Voice rehearsals

Local Shop Celebrates Anniversary With A Stock Clearance

Posted on 18/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I just thought i’d let you know the good news that local ladle superstore (in fact the county’s one and only ladle superstore) is one year old this week. And to celebrate Len’s Ladle Superstore is clearing the shelves of some unwanted ladles. Ladle store owner/manager Len Goodman and his assistant Bruno Tonioli say that many are badly bent and tarnished, so grab yourselves a large-spoon like bargain (whilst stocks last)… And as the broken neon sign above the shop door states “A house isn’t a home without a ladle. Or two.” Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

(Above) Shop staff model some of the ladles on sale in Len’s Ladle Superstore

January Damaged Goods Sale

Posted on 13/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Happy New Year. For the first time in 25 years we’re having a sale. Yes a sale! Many items are 25% off, so don’t delay. Why not buy a goldfish, or a canary? Or a mousey looking rodent? We’ve plenty of stock to shift because sadly lot’s of our queer looking animals didn’t sell at Christmas and many more were brought back just after suffering ill health or missing limbs. We’ve animals to suit every pocket; such as a ferret for those with deep pockets or a gerbil for tiny pockets… For those who like cuddly things we’ve got tons of rabbits going cheap and they’re half price if you buy in bulk; because they breed like bl**dy rabbits!!!! If you like things that live in water we’ve got loads of tadpoles or eels going cheap… We’ve lots of choice! So let’s save these poorly creatures from becoming landfill, come down and grab a bargain by the ears (or gills). Thank you. Fletcher Gillingham. Proprieter. Gillingham’s Pet Store

(Above) One of the pet store’s shop soiled sale items

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings