“Royal” Engagement Announced

Posted on 12/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking marriage proposal news just in… Local media magnet (and major benefactor to charity and political parties) Rupert Murdoch has this morning announced his engagement to the beautiful and intelligent model Jerry Hall. For all of us who work within Mr Murdoch’s empire this is the best new years’ gift we could have hoped for and more than makes up for us having a continued pay freeze. One colleague of mine is quoted as saying “it’s even more special than a Royal wedding” to which we all concur. Our heartfelt congratulations go out to the very much in love couple and we wish that the union will be blessed with many offspring. Christine Batley. Chief “Royal Nuptials” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The happy couple, Rupert & Jerry, announcing their engagement

Shock At Death Of Another Rock Legend

Posted on 11/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking extremely sad rock news just in… Earlier this morning local rock legend, and keen amateur florist, David Bowie passed away whilst attending a flower arranging course in New York. Mr Bowie was an influence on all those who liked music, fashion and floristry and he will be sorely missed. Rest in peace David. Christine Batley. Chief “Ziggy Stardust” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The late, great David Bowie pictured in his very minimal Ziggy costume

Theme Park Set To Close

Posted on 10/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

It is with a heavy heart that I have to announce that local theme park, Coffin World, is set to close this coming Friday. The burial themed attraction only opened in late 2013 but failed to attract visitors with it’s urn and casket rides and was sadly beset by financial problems from the start. It was the life’s work of undertaker fan, and cabaret singer, Tom Jones and he is said to have lost his entire pop fortune on the venture. Unless a buyer can be found for the theme park a fire sale of the rides and cremation merchandise will take place late January, just before Mr “Ex- of The Voice” Jones embarks on a world tour. Commiserations to Mr Tom, Beckworth will be less of a tourist attraction without his ambitious park, but let’s hope it can be saved. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) One of Coffin World’s many exhilarating rides that is bound for the scrap heap

Join Us And Loose Pounds

Posted on 05/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hellody Hoo, Marion here. After decades caring for the welfare of animals I am now turning my attention to the two legged residents of Beckworth. I worked for many years in the local abattoir, until I was dismissed, but I’ve recently retrained as a human dietrician and personal trainer, and this month will be bringing the ancient Korean act of Weight Whistling to the UK. So do you want lose 10 stone in just three weeks? Well now it’s possible due to the unique way that weight whistling works! But don’t take my word for it, come along and try it… Classes will be every Monday night in the scout hut at 8 but only genuine, determined tubsters need apply. So how does it work I hear you ask? Well it’s a closely guarded secret, but put simply it’s a workout without music. The participants whistle communist tunes whilst they exercise. I trained under the great teacher Gin Bin Bawl, a mauve belt in Weight Whistling, who until his mysterious death last year was the dietician and keep fit instructor of choice for the glorious leader Kim Jon-un and his very closest allies. So i’ve got all the qualifications, now all I need is a group of fatties to practice on. So get your lazy fat a**e down to the scout hut next Monday night and let’s shed those unsightly pounds. Ta ta, Marion

PS It’s just £36 a class

(Above) Kim JonUn keeping trim with a strenuous Weight Whistling work-out

Happy New From The Council

Posted on 04/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Happy New Year To You All. Well it’s back to work with a bump for me as we’ve had almost all of our computers stolen. In fact the only one left in the town hall is the one i’m currently using, which is an old pc we keep for emergencies. We eventually found it stashed behind the cisterns in the ladie’s loo, hence my delay in posting this message. But at least we were insured so should have brand new computers, macs hopefully, very soon. On a lighter note I trust everyone enjoyed new years eves’ council funded entertainment at the edge of the flooded sports field. The traditional burning of Old Man Beckworth to say goodbye to the old year went off without too much drama, it took a lot of petrol to ignite, but no one ended up in A&E which is a relief. This years’ effigy was made from old cereal packets and egg boxes by local handyman Duncan Bannatyne and is said to be based on a cross-dresser he met in a jungle!!! His close friend Tony Hadley made a very realistic Lego Baby Beckworth effigy that was paraded through the streets in the early hours to welcome in 2016. So thanks to both of them. My personal highlight was tucking into a kebab as the New Year fireworks went off whilst the local Scout’s brass-band covered the hits of The Arctic Monkeys and Status Quo. All the best for a healthy and prosperous 2016. Mayor G. Grimsby

(Above) The very realistic “Baby Beckworth” effigy made by the talented Tony Hadley

A Look Forward To The Year Ahead

Posted on 03/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Happy New Year to one and all, especially local business owners. As leader of the town’s trade i’m hoping for big things in Beckworth this year. Plans which will, at long last, put the town on the map as it strides to gain city status and become the beating heart of UK industry and commerce. In 2016 I hope we will hear we have won the right to extend the airport so we can compete with Gatwick, Heathrow and Luton. If we’re lucky the HS2 rail link may still detour through the east of the town, thankfully demolishing a huge swathe of the unsightly council estate and flattening the frankly useless ancient forest. As usual we will be encouraging big business to Beckworth, both on the high street and to build coal-burning factories on the green belt. A bypass through the town is also at planning stage (just a few more favours to call in), as is an “out of town” shopping centre uniquely sited next to the existing high street (which would be redeveloped into an exclusive inland harbour development for the well-heeled). A multistory carpark would cater for shoppers and the noveau rich residents, likely to be sited on the current sports field and childrens playground. We’re in negotiations with a cheese baron to sight Europe’s first “milk derived foodstuff” theme park and second’s shop in the town, so all in all 2016 is looking bright for business. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) An artist’s impression of the proposed Beckworth Airport expansion

Make 2016 A Naturist New Year

Posted on 02/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello and happy new year. I trust you all enjoyed Christmas? I spent mine with my close friend Wayne and we met our new chum Helmut on a naturist’s skiing trip in the French Alps. Helmut taught us all about toasting marshmellows and warming our nuts on an open fire. But now we’re back in a cold and moist Beckworth making new year’s resolutions together. Helmut’s is to get local businesses to sponsor him getting a hair transplant and gaining British citizenship, Wayne’s is to loose 19 stone in 12 months and mine is to increase membership of your local naturists, the Beckworth and Slocombe branch. To this end, come rain, shine or arrest for indecent exposure I will be leafleting outside Sainsco every Saturday in the coming weeks whilst Wayne and Helmut do the weekly shop inside. So why not pick up a leaflet from me whilst you and the family are out doing the weekend shop and join up? We’re a friendly bunch so why not join us? Shape, creed, colour, age and sexual predilection are no matter to us, just the ability to live life fully without clothes on. I hope to see you all outside the Sainsco supermarket every Saturday. I’ll be the one wearing a smile, sandals and little else clutching a wad of pamphlets. Happy 2016. Best wishes, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

(Above) My new friend Helmut shopping for hair-gel in Sainsco

New Years Honours List, Another Apology

Posted on 01/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

A second swift retraction just in…. Lawyer’s for David Cameron‘s cousin Cyril are demanding we point out that he is not, as previously implied, actually the PM’s cousin. We are “happy” to clarify that Cyril, a high-profile Tory donor, is in fact Mr Cam’s brother-in-law and so not a blood relation. Thus he gained his new year’s honour in an above reproach fashion. We are of course happy to put the record straight, Christine Batley. Chief “Still Trying To Keep Out Of Court” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

New Years Honours List, An Apology

Posted on 01/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

A swift retraction just in…. Lawyer’s for David Cameron‘s cousin Cyril are demanding we point out that he was not, as reported in the last hour, made a Duke for his truly pioneering “environmental” work on HS2 and Crossrail. We are “happy” to clarify and state he was promoted for his charitable works and his leadership role as a “Brown Owl” in the local Tory sponsored Crewbury scouts. Best wishes, Christine Batley. Chief “Trying To Keep Out Of Court” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Shock In New Years Honours List

Posted on 01/01/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Shocking political news just in…. Disgraced local ex-MP Nora Berlin is calling for a head-to-toe reform of the loathsome new years honours list. Ms Berlin a long time Tory member and ousted cabinet minister arrived home this morning from a Christmas skiing trip to find her name has been left off this year’s list. Despite being a long-time donor to the party and having “information” on many senior politicians across the house she wasn’t made a Dame as she’d openly predicted. Ms Nora, owner of a string of sex shops and tanning salons, says she will demand a recount and a personal apology from the PM himself unless she gets an OBE at the very least. I’ll keep you posted on this story as it unfolds… On a lighter note David Cameron‘s wife Sam was made a Duchess, his sister Nancy (a writer for the Mail) a CBE, and Mr Cameron’s dear old mum a Baroness. His cousin Cyril who’s already got an OBE was promoted and made a Duke, for his pioneering “environmental” work developing HS2 and Crossrail. So the honours list isn’t entirely corrupt as commonly assumed. Happy New Year, Christine Batley. Chief “Keep It In The Family Honours” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A clearly delighted David Cameron congratulates his clearly delighted wife Samantha on her becoming a Duchess earlier today

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

“Royal” Engagement Announced

Shock At Death Of Another Rock Legend

Theme Park Set To Close

Join Us And Loose Pounds

Happy New From The Council

A Look Forward To The Year Ahead

Make 2016 A Naturist New Year

New Years Honours List, Another Apology

New Years Honours List, An Apology

Shock In New Years Honours List

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