Monthly Archives: May 2015

Mr Cameron Gets Caught Talking Cobblers

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Breaking News… On a flying visit to secure the votes in the marginal seat of Beckworth South, Prime Minister David Cameron today revealed the real love of his life… And it isn’t Sam or politics. Mr Prime Minister let his passion for shoes, and more specifically shoe-re-soling, out of the bag. On his walkabout through the town Mr David popped into Beckworth’s very own shoe menders, Gobbler’s The Cobblers, earlier today and was overheard talking in raptures about rubber soles and blakeys. The PM was heard saying to Herman Gobbler, head cobbler, that ever since he was a young boy footwear has fascinated him. He allegedly went on to say that when he stops being prime minister he hopes to retrain as shoe-repairer… or failing that work in a shoe shop. You heard it here first! Christine Batley. Chief Sole Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) David Cameron pointing out the skillfulness of shoe-repairs earlier today

Advance Warning: Street Closures Tomorrow

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Hello. Just to say that the high street, near the Undertakers, and Madonna Lane will be partially closed tomorrow when the hustings descend on our town. Labour‘s Ed Milliband, Conservative “Diddy” Dave Cameron and the SNP‘s Nicola Sturgeon have all decided to visit the marginal seat of Beckworth South on the same day. We all clearly remember the parties doing the same back in 2010 when it decended into chaos as Gordon Brown offered Mr Cameron “out”. Let’s hope this time the politicians can control themselves better. The LibDem‘s Nick Clegg and UKIP‘s Nigel Farrage are due to visit on Wednesday but as we’re expecting a low turn out of support we’re not closing any roads that day. many thanks G.Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) An artists’s impression of what tomorrow’s road closure could look like

Come & Spend A Traditional MayDay With The Beckworth Bothamers

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Tomorrow is Mayday, so why not spend it with your local Morris Dancers, The Beckworth Bothamers. As is tradition we’ll be dancing on the common from midday and then performing a drunken pub crawl from 6pm. Other attractions during the day will be The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors dancing around the Maypole in Victorian dress, Daisy Chain making classes with Fern Brittan, a jumble sale and the crowning of the May Queen (Or thanks to equal opportunities, May King). Bring the whole family for some wholesome Spring fun. Thanking You. Clifford Pinner. The Beckworth Bothamers

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(Above) The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors practice Victorian Maypole dancing in readiness for Mayday

Local Antique Lady’s Fish Win’s May Day Race

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Hello. I hope you all enjoyed today’s annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race as much as I. Even having some Green Party pranksters throwing washing powder into the river (some sort of demonstration about water polution) hardly delayed the race. The protestors were caught by angered locals before they could do too much damage and there weren’t too many people taken to A&E. Congratulations to local lass, and antique TV presenter, Fiona Bruce whose pet sturgeon, Nicola, won the race in an almost record time. It was the first time Fiona and Nicola the Sturgeon had raced in the event, so well done. Fiona stated that a daily swim in the bath followed by a treat of a cup of hot chocolate had really paid off with Nicola. Well done to all. G.Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) A clearly delighted Fiona Bruce with her race-winning pet sturgeon Nicola

Mrs Princess Middleton Leaves Local Hospital With Baby Princess Gloria

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Breaking News…. Mrs Kate Princess Middleton has just left Beckworth General Hospital with her baby girl (likely to be named Princess Gloria) in a hire car driven by the baby’s father Prince William. A palace insider has told me that the happy couple are planning on grabbing a “Family Gutbucket” take-out from the recently re-opened Ken Tucker’s Fried Chicken cafe on the way home…. I’ll tell all as I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Proud parents Prince William and Princess Kate of Middleton leave hospital with their baby daughter Princess Gloria

Mrs Princess Middleton Gives Birth At Local Hospital

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Breaking News…. Mrs Kate Princess Middleton has just given birth to a baby in Beckworth General Hospital and she’s a girl (so a real Princess like her Mum and Dad). A palace insider has told me she’s likely to be named Gloria after her father’s Godmum Gloria Hunniford…. I’ll tell all as I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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Mrs Princess Middleton To Vote Labour At Local Hospital

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Water-breakage news just in… It is with a joyous heart that I can report that this morning, at 7.45 local time, the Duke and Duchess of Middleton booked into Beckworth General Hospital as Mrs Kate has gone into labour. A hospital source said Princess Middleton‘s waters had broken on a visit to Lidl and she looked radiant as her husband Prince William had porters transport them both on trolleys to the newly cleaned maternity wing. Members of the Royal family and parliament are expected to attend the birth and have already started arriving. Many, like the Queen and Duke Phillip of Greece, have come on horse back. According to tradition all members of court will be present at the birth of the future Prince/Princess and portaloos have been installed in the hospital car park so the VIPs have somewhere to rest between contractions. Kate and Williams’ favourite entertainers Michael Mcintyre and Lenny Henry are said to be unavailable to perform as court jesters and so Jo brand has been drafted in at the last moment. As is customary at state occasions Sue Perkins and David Mitchell will be on hand to add extra gravitas and ensure blanket media coverage, with Mrs Kate’s Uncle Boris Johnson installed at the foot of the bed to keep the world posted on twitter, contraction by contraction. And for those of you who prefer your graphic details in more than 140 characters I will keep you informed about the birth utilising the many “spies” I have at Princess Middleton’s bedside in the hospital. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Funny Jo Brand knitting baby booties whilst telling jokes to the Royal couple

May Day Fish Race

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Hello all. Just a reminder that this bank holiday Monday it will be the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race. A fun morning for most of the family, but please remember to keep all cats indoor. We don’t want a repeat of last year when Robson Green‘s winning goldfish Rose was maimed by a tabby just after the medals were given out.

Competitors, please bring your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 11 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local cook, and TV’s 2nd favourite Masterchef host, John Torode (himself a big fan of fish).

Please keep an eye on weather forecasts, if it is stormy the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s swimming pool. See you Monday. G.Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) Last year’s winner Robson Green with a pre-”accident” Rosie