We Need Your Banana Stories

Posted on 06/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Good afternoon. Beckworth’s Famous Banana Museum will be 150 years old next March and we are planning to celebrate with an exhibition (to be opened by three-times-a-day banana fan Sir Alex Ferguson) featuring working-class people’s banana anecdotes. They can be happy, sad, harrowing, deeply-distressing, or even tragic experiences, as long as they are probably true and happened to you (or someone you vaguely know). Maybe you were on the Titanic eating a banana when it sank, survived a plane crash by living off bananas for 18 long months (like Robinson Crusoe famously did in that novel Huckleberry Finn) or perhaps attended a funeral dressed in a banana costume. If you have a life changing disfigurement involving our beloved bent yellow fruit then please let us know and you could be featured in the exhibition. Anyone who does will get a day’s free bananas! So we look forward to seeing your narratives. Thanks Den Hawkchurch. Archivist. Beckworth Banana Museum

(Above) Banana’s similar to the one’s on show at the Banana Museum
(Size and quantity may vary)

Anniversary Of The Great Fire

Posted on 05/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. For those of you with an interest in history may know that today marks 347 years since the Great Fire Of Beckworth was started, and thankfully quickly extinguished. Thought to have been started deliberately in a fancy cake makers in Padding Lane (now Floyd Street) the fire was believed to be the work of ne’re-do-well teenage graffiti artists Trevor Shrewsbury and Vince Dorchester in a copycat arson attack following news of the Great Fire Of London had been reported by Beckworth’s town crier. Like the capitol’s big fire many dwellings were destroyed (three including the town brothel) and a few people made homeless for a week. Thankfully in a just a few short hours the ferocious fire was extinguished by a crack team of two volunteer fire-fighters using buckets of urine kindly passed-along the street by near neighbours and and bottles of past it’s sell-by-date milk donated by the local dairy. In no time Beckworth was quickly rebuilt and a small statue of a flaming cake now stands a few hundred yards from the exact spot where the fire is thought to have probably started. Mssrs Shrewsbury and Dorchester were hanged from the town’s gibbet the next day for their heinous crime and their families sent to Coventry on a cart (giving rise to the idiom). Then, in an unforeseen twist, a few months later the owner of the cake shop, a Keith Ippling Esq, confessed it was all an insurance scam and so was also hanged. His family was sent to Eastbourne as Coventry was no longer admitting criminal’s next of kin after so much trouble with the Shrewsbury and Dorchester families.
The legend of the town’s fire lives on in the familiar children’s rhyme Beckworth’s Burning recently made into a chart-topping rap single (and MP3 download) by Professor Green featuring One Direction
(Beckworth’s Burning, Beckworth’s Burning, Fetch the Neighbours, Fetch the Neighbours, Pour On Urine, Pour On Urine, Fire! Fire!)

So the next time you’re passing the town’s vandalised cake statue spare a thought for the poor souls who lost everything in the great fire of 1666. Thanks, Bill Christchurch. Beckworth Historical Society.

(Above) Probably what the Great Fire looked like before being put out

First Faith School Opens

Posted on 04/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, as parents and lollypop operatives will know today is the first day of the new school year and Beckworth has additional cause to celebrate as the town’s very first faith school has opened it’s automatic sliding doors for the first time. Based in the disused and arson-damaged Woolworth’s shop on Madonna Lane the aptly named St Godless-Or-Not is the UK’s first agnostic faith school for 7 to 11 year olds. Opened at 8.45 this morning by local celebrity and school governor James Corden the school curriculum boasts lessons in shiatsu, ballroom dancing and crown green bowls alongside curriculum subjects with the aim of bringing a “broad church” of education to the young enquiring minds of Beckworth. They are also hoping to offer after-school clubs in the future (such as chess, ballet, poker, car respraying and glass-blowing) though they are waiting for second-hand unheated portakabins to be put in place first. Good luck to pupils, staff and parents. Christine Batley. Chief Schools & Education Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) James Cordon opening local Agnostic faith school

New Season. Transfer Window Closed

Posted on 03/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, it’s football season again and an apt time to congratulate Beckworth And Slocombe Academicals on their success so far in the Co-Operative FuneralCare League. They’ve averaged losing 3-0 in the past few weeks which is a vast improvement on last seasons average of 8-0, and last Saturday saw them lose a very respectable 2-0 against Dynorod FC (Goal scorers: part-time actor Robert Pattinson and ex-pop-sensation Justin Timberlake). So well done to manager and trainer Daniel Craig and to the whole team. Also congratulations are due because yesterday, after a nail-biting close to the transfer window, the team secured the services of striker, and local butcher, Kevin “Babyface” Ilford. After protracted negotiations he was bought for £27 from league champions KwikFit United which should further improve BSA’s chances this season. Christine Batley. Chief Football Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Web Site Back Up And Running

Posted on 03/09/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hi, thanks to all the readers and contributors to this website for your patience and one message of support during our strike-imposed “radio silence” during August. Thanks to arbitration we have bowed to the outrageous demands of the council’s IT Department and will now allow them hourly fag breaks and an hour earlier finish on Fridays to allow them time to enjoy happy hour in The Bear & Pumpkin pub. So it’s now all systems go and we should be able to resume almost daily posts.

So what has happened in Beckworth in the last four weeks I hear you ask? Well, a lot of course but I have limited time so here are the highlights: The local archeological society put on a most enlightening exhibition in the library “Flushed With Success. The History of Toilets, From BC To WC” which included the display of a recently dug-up Roman commode and was opened by local celeb and sanitation fan Ronnie Corbett. The playing fields was the venue for the very first Beckworth Camping and Surfing show. This proved very popular given the hot weather with lots of tents, caravans, deckchairs and surfboards to sample and buy. The annual Follyfoot Farm’s gymkhana saw famous Les Dennis/Chas and Dave tribute act Les and Dayve play their set repeatedly day and night to rapturous applause until a mysterious fire put the generator out of action. The event also saw the Queen’s daughter Dame Zara Philips win the Shetland Pony Derby for the first time and local celeb Ben Fogle win the dressage on his shirehorse Spangles

Local supermarket Sainsco took over sponsorship and cleaning of the pop-up urinals in the market square and a new joke and magic shop “You’ll Like This… Not A Lot” opened on Floyd Street next to the undertakers. Run by father and daughter Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee it aims to cater for the over 60s Silver Surfers.

Beckworth came 52nd in the international Britain In Bloom competition and the local scooter club celebrated 50 years of being Mods with a run to Brighton over the bank holiday. They unfortunately suffered one fatality on the way there when Sam Bedford’s scooter broke down on the A23 and he was run over by the AA van coming to fix it. Still this was thankfully two less deaths than in 1963 when the club was was set upon by axe wielding rockers.

So that was August… Yours Mayor G Grimsby

(Above) Beckworth’s Scooter Club on their “1963 revisited” run to Brighton just before Sam Bedford’s life was tragically cut short by a breakdown truck

Local Web Site Struck By Flying Pickets

Posted on 17/08/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hi, it is with regret that I have to inform all our readers and contributors that we are temporarily without a functioning “Visit Beckworth” website due to industrial action by the council’s IT Department. I have risked life and limb by crossing a hypothetical picket line just to put this message up…. Please bare with us whilst we deal with “the enemy within” who have been stirring up trouble by singing the Flying Pickets’ Christmas hit single “Only You” since downing tools. We are due to go to arbitration later this month in a bid to resume normal service. Yours Mayor G Grimsby

(Above) 1980s hit makers The Flying Pickets,
a bad influence on the striking Visit Beckworth IT Dept

Chris And Daniel Take To The Air

Posted on 06/08/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. I just wanted to share the great news that TV naturist, novice-pilot and local celeb, Chris Packham has this week raised an amazing £186.72 for Beckworth hospice by flying solo in a bi-plane for over 15 minutes. It was the first time Chris, with the aid of his map-reading best friend Daniel, had ever flown solo and although he’d hoped to be airbourne for at least 6 hours he was still upbeat. Chris and Daniel were quoted as saying “Wow, that was the thrill of a life-time. We only tried flying a couple of weeks back as a bet with Bill Oddie but now we’ve got the bug. And raising all that money made me feel like the Last Of The Famous International Playboys!” When asked why they hadn’t flown for longer Pilot Peckham explained “Well i’ve only had a couple of lessons so far and although Dan is a Handsome Devil he’s a ******* lousy map reader. So instead of flying to the south of France to see Morrissey in concert, we crash landed soon after take-off in a field near Kings Lynn.” Co-Pilot Daniel added “Still at least no one was badly injured and me and Chris had a good laugh about it, once we’d got out the burning wreckage.” On being discharged from hospital the intrepid duo were asked if they planned to continue flying? A good humoured yet shaken Mr Christopher Reckham and Mr Daniel Owl replied “Of course, I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish… All I need is someone to lend us another ******* plane” So it’s well done to Chris and Daniel. Christine Batley. Chief Flying Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Chris and Daniel airbourne just prior to their near-fatal crash landing in Kings Lynn

Little Terry Found. Again

Posted on 05/08/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I am very pleased to announce that after much sterling detective work on my part the stolen miniature Terence Nutkin statue has been found alive and well just half a mile from the court room where it was stolen. After a tip off from the Antiques Roadshow’s Fiona Bruce the 12″ high sculpure was spotted for sale (at a reasonable £250) at a local “bootfair” and captured by myself with help from the riot squad. This is the second time Little Terry has been stolen and recovered, although this time the statue appears to have put on some weight and grown his hair during his ordeal, had his broken-off arm expertly reattached and had his little willy covered by a large leaf. The owner of the “boot” denies wrong-doing but has been arrested and bail denied due to the seriousness of this crime. Sculptor, and Nutkin’s creator, Chris Evans was very relieved at finding his “offspring” but said to me “Are you sure it’s the same ruddy statue?” I assured Chris by showing him the photographed evidence (below) and then closed the case, which means the trial of the first theft can now resume. PC R Cowgrove

(Above Left) The Terence Nutkin statue before it’s recent theft and
looking relaxed (Above Right) after it’s recovery

Lightning Strikes Twice At Theme Park

Posted on 30/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Last night the World famous Iceland foods themed Iceland Land Theme Park in Slocombe was struck by lightning, not once but twice, causing damage to two of it’s most popular rides. The Kerry Katona Big Wheel had some seats burnt to a cinder and the Johnny Depp Carrousel had it’s roof burnt off. Thank goodness the park was closed at the time, otherwise people could have been seriously hurt and want their money back. The storm raged for over 8 hours and 12 fire engines had to attend the fires, which are now safely under control. It is hoped the damaged rides will be quickly fixed by local DIY SOS legend Nick Knowles and a massive clear up by the local scouts and guides is already underway. On hearing of the fire a spokesperson for Iceland figurehead Kerry Katona said “Ms Katona isn’t up yet but she’d pass the message on.” The theme park manager is keen to stress that 56.5% of the park is still open for business and was quoted during the electrical storm as saying “Hey Mum, this school holiday bring the kid’s down to Iceland Land and buy some out-of date party food whilst you’re here.” Christine Batley. Chief Storm Damage Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Lighning strikes the Kerry Katona and Johnny Depp rides last night

Lost: Contents Of Fridge

Posted on 27/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Good afternoon. This is a distress signal from a sprightly septuagenarian so please take note if you will. I have lost the contents of my fridge. I am not usually one to lose chilled foodstuffs and so am sure it is the job of local thieves targeting the old and vulnerable, such as myself. I could swear blind that the fridge contained food when I last looked on Tuesday afternoon just before I went out with Clare Balding, Jeremy Clarkson and other close friends to wet the Royal Baby’s head. Now, having returned from 5 days of celebrating I find the fridge empty. I wouldn’t mind but I fancied some pork pie to help with my head and found it gone. More worrying is the theives have stolen a jug of milk which was a family heir loom (the jug not the milk). The pretty jug was a costly item recently bought from a charity shop along with a nearly new pair of M&S underpants. Anyway I am most distressed that I have nothing comestible to calm my rumblings and so will have to eat out in one of Beckworth’s many hostelries… If they’ll unbar me. So has anyone anyone seen my food being eaten in the street by hoodies? Have you seen a half eaten boiled egg carelessly discarded in a hedge or three week old baked beans thrown on the roadside? If so please let me know or phone the police? Actually, now I look more carefully I may also have lost the fridge.

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

Have you seen this jug of milk (Above)?

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

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