Hello, i’ve found more clips from the interview of my life…. I’m sure you will love it. Thanks Regina
Regina Once More
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Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth
Spoon Exhibition Opens
Hello all. Great news, after last night’s successful (and drunken) private view we are proud to announce that our latest exhibition is now open to the public. On display in the John & Yoko room at the town hall is Simon Cowell‘s fascinating and truly vast Spoon collection. Spanning the cutlery item’s history from it’s invention in ancient Greece (previously the human race only had forks, which were deemed useless when an ancient greek invented soup) up to the modern digital age. Simon has been an ardent “flatware” collector since his cross-dressing Uncle Boris bought him his first tea spoon for his 12th birthday. “It’s funny, but up until that day I actually suffered from sponophobia. Spoons and ladles scared me to death and brought me out in hives” Mr Cowell told me last night over a sherry “but I confronted my fears and fell in love with all things spooneristic, as we say in the trade. It’s the sensuous shape of a small bowl flowing into a handle that turned me on.” Success has meant that Simon has been able to indulge his passion and he is the envy of Sponofiles (Spoon collectors) all over the World. In fact some of his collection are so sought after that we’ve had to employ an elderly security guard to work part time. But it’s not just the collection that makes Simon exhibition fascinating, because to relax (in between judging talent shows and opening supermarkets) Simon likes to make spoons into jewellery and he has many reasonably priced items for sale in the town hall gift shop. So come on down, it’s the exhibition of a lifetime. Yours Gary Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
(Above) Simon Cowell wearing one of his home-made spoon-neckalaces
at the private view of his Spoon collection
Masseuse Open Day
Hello. Just to let you know that tomorrow our local Thai massage parlour (Han Ki Pan Ki) will be throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. Those lazy job-seekers who attended the recent abatoir and prison opendays will know it’s likely be a real hands-on experience and a stimulating day out for all the family (everyone is welcome although the day is really for dole scum). So come and have a relaxing massage in beautiful quiet surroundings (Han Ki Pan Ki is between the scrap yard and the drum shop). Meet the masseurs, who promise to be uplifting and attentive company with a “special something” for everyone over 18. Workshops will be held on applying essentials oils, handling drunk clients and something called “finding those elusive zones and working up rhythmic pressure.” Our wheelchair-user friends will be catered for in the Han Ki Pan Ki “drive-thru” and to keep the younger members of the family occupied there’s a television showing reruns of The Teletubbies, subtitled in Thai. The day will be a real eye-opener, so see you there.
More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus
Baby King To Be Named The Boy George
Hello all. I’m pumped up with excitment (just like a big helium balloon filled with joy) and all because I’m able to share with you the breaking news from yesterday that our new baby King is to be named George. As predicted he has been named after his parents favourite entertainer, though no one realised the esteemed “My Sweet Lord” guitarist was even in the running. A Royal sauce close to the young Royal couple was overheard on a bus saying “William and Kate have recently been playing a lot of Prince Philips old records and become big fans of The Rolling Stones and The Beatles” she went on to say “Up until the Queen arrived yesterday the name Mick was a firm favourite. But in a twist of fate HM Queen Elizabeth II was humming “Love Me Do” when she first met her new Great-Grandson and so The Beatles were chosen to be the namesakes.” So from now on the baby King of Kings will be named Prince George Paul John Ringo of Cambridge, though to save energy in public and to reflect his humble roots he will simply be referred to as the Boy George. I’m sure you will agree that the Royals have chosen beautiful names for their son and I’m predicting that Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Ringo Starr will be Godfathers though, I hear David Walliams is also in the “frame.” The Royal couple are now taking a well-earned break with the baby Prince at Kate’s parent’s holiday “villa” at a caravan park in Bangor. Anyway, I will let you know more about the baby as it comes. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) The Beatles in their heyday when they were alive
Baby Prince Charming Goes Home
Hello all. Just to let you know that at 7.15 this evening, just before a rivetting episode of Eastenders, Sir William and Duchess Middleton left Beckworth General Hospital and took home their future heir, the baby boy Prince “Charming” (Likely to be called Neville or Steve). Stopping briefly to chat to photographers, and to Richard & Judy who were coming out of Sainsco with a weeks shopping, the Royal couple took a mini cab back to their home. Stopping off on the way to pick-up a well deserved Tikka Massala a curry-house source said the young couple looked the picture of young Royal love and got given 3 free commemorative poppadoms. Anyway, I will let you know more about the baby when I can. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) Limited Edition commemorative poppadoms
It’s Kings Cross Sale Day Today
It’s royal baby celebration day today down at 99p Land and we’re wetting the baby’s head by having a “Kings Cross” sale to celebrate. Pop-in to 99p Land to congratulate Sir Wills and Kate on the birth of the baby King by buying all your party stuff at 10% off. Yes, that’s a fabulous 10% off a few old sale items marked with a red cross (offer excludes nappies, baby-wipes, alcohol, cigarettes, biscuits, picnic blankets, condoms, cardigans and apples). We’re open 8 till 8 so there’s plenty of time to get those baby party essentials. Bim Gujranwala. Manager. 99p Land
(Above) A cake in the shape of a red cross to celebrate 99p Lands’ “Kings Cross” Day
A King Is Born
Hello all. It is wonderful to be able to share with you the news that Prince William and Princess Kate Middleton have given birth to our future heir, the baby boy King Of England. Born at 4.30 this afternoon, just before Noel Edmonds’ Deal Or No Deal, the baby was said “to be a real big bairn” by a Royal aide and to have his Grandfather’s ears. As is usual at Royal births the umbilical chord was cut by the reigning monarch and the baby presented to the hundreds of Royals, courtiers and ministers in attendance. But in a break with tradition the birth video will not be uploaded to youtube (though a commemorative DVD is planned). No news on the name but rumour mongers are saying Neville is the couple’s favourite. Anyway, I will let you know more about the birth when I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) A relaxed Noel Edmonds hosts his popular TV quiz
just minutes after the birth of our new King
Baby Name Fever
Hello all. To make the time pass quicker whilst I pace the floor in my sweltering kitchen waiting for dear Kate Middleton to give birth to our future heir, I’ve popped onto the internet to see what baby names the nation are betting William and Kate will give to their child. Most popular girls name at 2/1 is Elizabeth, and boys top choice at 3/1 is Darren. The other most popular choices are Kylie, Roxanne-Chantelle, Krystalle and Gladys if it’s a girl, and Rory, D-Wayne, Oral-B and Nathan if it’s a boy. But little known Royal protocol actually dictates that the baby must be named after the parents favourite singer (or minstrel as it was in ancient days). William was of course named after his mother’s favourite Take That star Robbie Williams and brother Harry in honour of his father’s favourite Harry Secombe (although due to misspelling he was actually christened Henry). It is therefore most likely that the child will be named Chris or Martin (Coldplay are a big Royal favourite) or Beyonce Knowles. I’ve placed a five pound bet on the latter as the odds are so good, but keep that to yourself. Anyway, I will keep you informed about the birth as soon as I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) The Royal baby’s likely namesake, Beyonce Knowles
Royal Baby On It’s Way
Hello all. It is with a joyous heart that I can report that this morning, at 5.45 local time, the Duke and Duchess of Wales booked into Beckworth General Hospital as Mrs Wales has gone into labour. A hospital source said Kate Middleton was fully dilated and looked radient as her husband Prince William got porters to transport them both in wheelchairs to the newly painted maternity wing. All morning the Royal family and members of court and parliament have arrived in hired minibuses to attend the birth. According to tradition all will be present at the birth of the future monarch and to accommadte them specially rented portacabins have been installed in the hospital car park. Kate and Williams favourite entertainers Michael Mcintyre and Lenny Henry will keep her distracted during the birth, as court jesters have done for centuries, and of course Sue Perkins and David Mitchell will be there to give the occassion extra gravitas and ensure blanket media coverage. Friend of the Royal couple Steven Fry has been installed at the foot of the bed and will keep the world posted on twitter, contraction by contraction. And for those of you who prefer your graphic details in more than 140 characters I will keep you informed about the birth utilising the many “spies” I have at Mrs Wales bedside in the hospital. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) The Queen and members of the Royal household arriving at Beckworth hospital
The Tour De France Comes To Town
Fantastic news just in, Beckworth has been chosen to hold Stage Two of next year’s Grand Départ leg of the Tour De France. Beating stiff competition from towns in Belgium, Holland and Wales the 4 mile road race will be held in July 2014 and will include stages in the children’s playground (taking in cycling down the slide and jumping the seesaw) and a timed slalom course with bollards in Sainsco carpark. Local cyclist Bradley Wiggins said “it’s well cool that Beckworth holds the prestigious race. After all it is probably the birth place of cycling, what with the inventor of the Penny Farthing, James Starley, having had a camping hoiday here once.” More news about the race when I get it. Gary Grimsby. Mayor
(Above) Bradley Wiggins defending his lead in last year’s Tour De France