Local People Urged To Sign Up To Breakthrough Medical Trials

Posted on 21/08/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Medical breakthrough news just in… Local pharamaceutical giant Goctor & Pramble have just made medical history, unveiling the world’s first cure for pubic baldness in The Lancet medical journal and garnering wordwide acclaim. Their patented Magnetic Merkin is claimed to be a life-changer for sufferers, up there with penecilin and incontinence pants. But before any such medical breakthrough can be sold to the NHS for billions of tax-payers pounds they must be trialed on poor people and made safe. The merkins proved fine when worn by lab-rats but the Beckworth employer is now asking for human volunteers to help them iron out any flaws with the natural looking synthetic pastel-hued hair-pieces. The company will pay impoverished local residents a nominal fee to wear the breakthrough metal-attracting pubic wig 24/7 for three months to flag up any disabilitating side-effects, such as genital chaffing, allergic-reactions and lead-poisoning. Goctor & Pramble’s inventor of the magnetic merkin Dr Neville Edmonds issued the following statement today: “I took my inspiration from my brother Noel’s beard and the everyday household items trapped within it. It struck me that groin-wigs could be enhanced by adding the life-improving high-tech benefit of magnetism.” He went on to add “Wearing one will make the patient’s discrete pubic region the ideal place to safely store all their family and friend’s metalic nik-naks. Such as keys, loose change, iron-mongery and cameras, whilst also covering up their privates from prying-eyes… And they will come in a one-size fits-all for ease of manufacture and comfort.” I will keep you updated on the trials as they happen, and I for one will be signing up to take part and earn £26 a week” Christine Batley. Chief Pubic Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Noel Edmonds, sporting his inspirational nik-nak strewn beard

Suspected Mafia Don Arrested

Posted on 13/07/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Very exciting criminal news just in… This morning at around 8.27am heavily-armed police swooped on the Costa Nostra Cafe, on Springsteen Street, and arrested a suspected Mafia don. A witness was quoted as saying “At first we thought the bobby’s were there for their usual big fry-up, but imagine our surprise when they just ordered croissants… they then proceeded to (hand-) cuff local window cleaner Tony “The Nut” Pistachio who was quietly enjoying beans on toast. With a latte.” Another witness added “The coppers told me that they think 83 year old Tony is actually Anthony “The Total Nut” Cashew. The ruthless leader of the Sicilian crime family The Cashews & Brazils…” he went on “This Anthony’s been wanted by Interpol for 62 years, so if it’s him the Beckworth Police will be hoping for a large cash reward… And some shiny medals.” Ron “Don” Corleone the cafe owner chipped in saying “I don’t mind mafia arrests over breakfast, that’s just a hazard of running an Italian eatery… What i dislike is that the rozzers haven’t paid for their ruddy breakfasts.” No doubt this will put Beckworth on the crime-wave map, so I’ll keep you posted on the arrest, deportation etc as it happens. Christine Batley. Chief Criminal Underworld Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Corky Crashes Out

Posted on 09/07/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Exciting sports news just in… I’m sure we were all cheering on local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford yesterday, as he played in the quarter finals at Wimbledon on Centre Court. It was so disheartening to see the almost-completely blind 91 year old survivor of two hip replacements roundly thrashed in straight sets by a player almost four times his junior. And despite getting into a fist-fight with a ball-girl, Corky did Beckworth and England proud. And as he said in a post-match interview “never mind there’s always next year…” But it’s easy for him to be positive, what did he have to lose? I’m unhappy as I had a £10 bet on him winning in the final against Andy Murray. So it wasn’t a good day for me! Christine Batley. Chief Betting On Tennis At Wimbledon Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Corky in action against Richard Gasquet earlier yesterday at Wimbledon

Local Museums Announce Plans To Merge

Posted on 07/07/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

News just in… Beckworth’s world famous Museum of Cheese has announced plans to merge with a neighbouring museum in a drive to save money and increase visitor numbers. Spokesperson and curator for the MoC, part-time popstar Will Young, was quoted as saying “with every museum chasing funding, more and more exhibitors will have to join together to survive…” he went onto add “we tried to merge with The Paris Musée du Onions but they said we were too far away and they hated the English. So we are very lucky to have joined forces with a museum just a few miles away, and who’s remit compliments ours perfectly.” We were still in the dark until he announced they would merge with the little known Slocombe Chalk Museum. The new combined “supermuseum” will focus on the history of cheeses and chalks and even boast a souvenir shop and cafe. It will likely be sited in Crewbury, probably in the old public toilets as the rent is cheap. They hope to open in just a few days once the urinals have been cleaned. I’ll keep you posted about when the grand opening is. Christine Batley. Chief Carbonated Limestone & Coagulated Milk Product Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Will Young announcing plans for the Museum of Cheese earlier today

Local Lad On Centre Court Today

Posted on 01/07/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Sports news… Don’t forget to watch Wimbledon on telly today as our (only) local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford is playing on Centre Court. He is playing young Columbian hopeful Santiago Giraldo and after Corky’s amazing trouncing of Andy Murray last year it promises to be a riveting match. Although he is almost-completely blind, 91 year old Lionel is the second oldest ranked tennis player in the world (ranked 631) and plays by sense of smell only. He only took up the game upon retirement and when interviewed last year modest Mr Deptford put his extraordinary win over Mr Murray down to the wonder of drugs like viagra, a red meat diet, having a lot of sex and the fact that due to some injury or other Mr Andy was “absolutely useless” on the day. Fingers crossed Corky has similar luck again and annihilates Giraldo today, it would be wonderful to see him in the final. Stranger things have happened! Christine Batley. Chief Tennis From Wimbledon Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Corky warming up at Wimbledon earlier today’

MidSummer Madness At Maccy D’s When Drunk Druids Damage The Drive-In

Posted on 22/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

News Just In… Beckworth’s summer solstace celebrations sadly took a turn for the worst yesterday and ended in a number of arrests. All was going swimmingly; families of nude pagans saw the sun rise at the Hammerite Stones as they have for centuries, then spent the day dancing naked through the stones, enjoying animal sacrifice, watching the Beckworth Bothamers performing morris dances and skinny dipping with horses and cattle in the river. There was the traditional “marriage” of Beckworth’s Maiden In White to the Old Slocombe Codger and in the evening the burning of a wicker effigy of the Old Dick of Beckworth. Mummers enacted mystery plays for 18 hours non-stop and music was performed by local naturist folk bands with an acoustic Status Quo stripping off to headline. But when the sun set above the stones all hell broke loose. A gang of hungry naturist Druids descended on the 22hr McDonalds drive-thru and caused tens of pounds worth of damage. They then refused to leave until the restaurant promised to stop selling meat products and become a purely vegetarian outlet. Police were called and promptly arrived two hours later, whereupon the naughty naked pagans were locked in the cells overnight “for their own safety”. They are due up in court later today, so I’ll keep you posted on this most heinous of hate crimes. Christine Batley. Chief Naked Nutters Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A hungover Druid pictured earlier today whilst awaiting his/her day in court

BBC Announce Inspired Money-Saving Idea

Posted on 18/06/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

News Just In… The BBC have just announced their latest cost-cutting plans which will enable them to save a few pounds here and there but most importantly boost Chris Evans’ wages. The most enterprising idea is to pool resources by combining some of their most successful programmes, thus halving the number of staff needed… The first channel to see these improvements will be BBC1 where daytime programming will this summer roll out some very special new series. Announced today are Pointless Doctors, Bargain In The Country, Breakfast In The Attic, and News Under The Hammer. I can’t wait to see these as i spend most of my working day watching telly… and more are due to be announced in the next week or so. Christine Batley. Chief Addicted To Day Time TV Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The BBC’s highest paid star Mr Chris Evans appears delighted on hearing his pay rise is secure thanks to savings to made elsewhere in the corporation

The North South Divide In The General Election

Posted on 08/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

News Just In… Your votes have been cast, counted and recounted twice but we can now announce the local results in the General Election. Labour have held on to the safe seat of Beckworth North and the Conservatives have taken Beckworth South from the poor old LibDems. UKIP and the Green Party did very well in the northern ward but lost their deposits elsewhere. The Tories retained Crewbury and Slocombe making this part of the county almost exclusively right-wing. Christine Batley. Chief General Election Results Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian

The Green’s Show Their True Colours

Posted on 06/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking news… This morning on a visit to the marginal constituency of Beckworth South the Green Party showed how public transport would look if they get into Number 10. In a selfless act of coalition the green’s leader Caroline Lucas gave opposition leaders a lift into town after both their tour buses had broken down with punctures (mysteriously nails were found on the road). I’ll keep you posted on all the hot political news as it happens… Christine Batley. Chief Political Puncture Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Caroline Lucas gives a lift to the LibDem’s Nick Clegg and UKIP’s Nigel Farrage

Mr Milliband Gets Caught Short

Posted on 05/05/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking news… Poor Ed Milliband had to cut short his election campaigning visit to Beckworth today. This was due to a visit to Slocombe’s pasty factory taking longer than planned. An aide told me in the strictest confidence that after sampling the savoury delights poor Mr Ed had to spend over an hour in the toilet of his campaign bus thus curtailing his visit to our town. A similar visit made by the SNP leader earlier in the day had the same lavatorial outcome which meant poor Ms Nicola Sturgeon had to bypass Beckworth all together. On a brighter note our very own 99p stores sold Mr Milliband a job lot of very cheap “shop soiled” toilet roll which he was overjoyed with. Christine Batley. Chief Political Tummy Upset Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Mr Milliband getting to grips with a pasty shortly before it got it’s “revenge”

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: Christine Batley