Uproar As Terry Nutkin Thief In Court

Posted on 04/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. All hell broke loose today at the Beckworth Court Rooms during the first appearance of Mr Ned Penge, caretaker at Beckworth Town Hall and alleged thief of the priceless 12″ model of the town’s proposed Terence Nutkin Statue. All was going swimmingly and the prosecution were all over his skinny white ass, as they say in the movies. Well let’s face it, the evidence against him is pretty strong as the statue was found in his locker next to a half drunk bottle of gin and some cigarette papers, suggesting he is an alcoholic drug user looking for his next fix. He also looked very guilty stood in the dock. As I say the evidence was mounting up, quite literally, when the court produced the said statue. Unfortunately the court usher handling it (Ex-TV “Lovejoy” legend Ian McShane) had a hay-fever induced sneezing fit and dropped the expensive work of art, breaking off one of it’s arms. There was uproar from the half-packed court room and the case had to be adjourned whilst someone went to buy some glue. Poor Mr McShane looked visibly shaken and was helped to a chair by a crack team of first-aiders. This harrowing case resumes tomorrow and I will let you know how long guilty Ned the Nutkin Nabber is sent down for! Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. Beckworth Guardian.

(Above) Ian McShane being attended to by trained first-aiders

Warren In My Sporran

Posted on 29/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just thought I’d share the great news that local TV company Livingstone Productions has been commissioned to make a second installment of it’s BAFTA winning children’s series Warren In My Sporran for BBC Scotland. For those of you who missed the first series Daniel Day Lewis stars as Warren, a deminutive adult vagrant who lives in the sporran of young Highland’s boy Angus MacDonald (ably played by Ronnie Corbett). The episodes follow Warren’s hilarious adventures in and out of Angus’s kilt, with many scenes shot in and around Beckworth. Well done to all at Livingstones! Christine Batley. Chief Television & Film Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Method actor Daniel Day Lewis stars as the small tramp Warren who makes his home in young Angus MacDonald’s sporran

Today At Wimbledon

Posted on 28/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Don’t forget to switch your telly over to Wimbledon today as local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford is playing on Court No3. He is playing young Austrian hopeful Jurgen Melzer and after Corky’s amazing trouncing of Roger Federer in the second round it promises to be a nail-biting match. Partially-sighted 89 year old Lionel is the third oldest ranked tennis player in the world (ranked 542) and he only took up the game aged 66 upon retirement from a career at WHSmiths. When interviewed, modest Mr Deptford put his extraordinary win over Federer down to the wonders of viagra, a lifetime of eating red meat, regular sex and the fact that he was a much better player than Roger. Fingers crossed Corky annihilates Melzer today, it would be wonderful to see an all British final with Lionel v Murray next week. Here’s hoping! Christine Batley. Chief Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) “New balls please”
Corky warms up at Wimbledon before today’s match

Local Lass A Shoe-In For New Who

Posted on 14/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Big news in Beckworth is the rumour that local girl, and the voice of Iceland, Kerry Katona, is the BBC’s favoured actress to play the next Dr Who. Kerry, a fine singer, actress and party hostess (with her own line of small party nibbles) has been quoted as saying “They’d be ****in’ crazy not to choose me. I’ve got the ****in’ lot. The looks, the brains and I could sing all those ****in’ aliens to death” Let’s hope the BBC announce Ms Katona’s appointment very soon as she’s already out spending her potential earnings.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A paparazzi snap of Kerry allegedly modelling Dr Who’s new look on set

Filming In Beckworth

Posted on 03/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all, the more observant of you (no offence to the visually impaired) will probably have noticed large vans blocking the way on Right Said Fred Lane, with cables trailing dangerously along the pavement into Carnaby Cottage, home to star of stage and screen, Paul Weller. Why you ask? Because this week Beckworth is honoured to see the filming of a new TV action series called Cash In The Cupboard (a very low-budget spin-off, from the bafta-award winning series Cash In The Attic, being made for Dave TV). An insider from the series (one of the drivers) says that Paul is looking to raise about £525 for a family holiday in Benidorm by auctioning off tat from his sideboard. I for one can’t wait to see the programme, and wish Mr Weller good luck on trying to raise that cash.

Christine Batley. Chief TV & Film Reporter. Beckworth Guardian.

(Above) Paul Weller on set with Cash In The Cupboard presenter Sir David Dickinson

Local Hero Is Front Runner To Be The New Dr Who

Posted on 03/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking news: Bookies are placing SAS commando, and local hunky celeb, Ross Kemp as a 2 to 1 favourite to be the next Dr Who. Mr Kemp has been quoted as saying “I’d add grittiness and aggression to the role, plus i’ve got a great idea for his next look.”

Ross went on to say “We’ve not had a shaven headed hero playing the doc yet and my military training would make me ideal for taking out aliens from all parts of the galaxy, especially if Dr Who traded-in that knackered tardis for a well-armed time-travelling tank.” So let’s hope the BBC do the right thing and use licence fees to sign up the very talented and gorgeous Mr Kemp.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The look of the next Dr Who as imagined by Ross Kemp

Doris Palmer’s Emotional Breakdown In Lama Drama

Posted on 22/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I promised to keep you posted about the darmatic lama drama, and so am relaying this breaking news. Brothers Ross Kemp and Phil Mitchell have used their army tank to take out one of their quarry, the infamous gang leader Jermaine Jackson. As feared the two runaway lama’s were holed up in Beckworth Hall’s boat shed, and so hardmen Ross and Phil, without thought for their own personal safety and as war raged all around them, fired a volley of high-velocity blank shells at the shed, as a warning. The heroic duo then bravely drove their tank to the shed door and peered in. They were buoyed by the site of one lama lying down, apparently having fainted. Sensibly they waited outside until Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama inspector) arrived to make a formal identification of Jermaine. They had to wait a while because poor old Doris, following on a tractor, had tearfully broken down. Her fuel pipe had got clogged-up and she gets hayfever. But Mrs Palmer soon forgot her troubles when she found the lama was in fact dead, on top of which says she’s 50% sure it’s Jermaine (pictured resting in peace).

Which as gorgeous Mr Kemp texted me, means that his nemesis Michael Jackson the lama is still MIA (Missing In Action). Ross has vowed to fight another day, but has promised to return the tank this afternoon as he has a hot date with local celeb, and actress, Sharon off Eastenders. So for now Public Enemy Number One, Fern Britton’s Jackson One, is free to spread his filthy propaganda and diseases. Please keep your eyes peeled for the dangerous young lama and don’t forget, under no circumstances bother a very worried Mrs Britton, as she has a TV career to rebuild. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

No Body Armour For Heroes In Lama Drama

Posted on 22/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. It’s about day 20 or so in this gripping lama drama that has gripped the residents of Beckworth, and the world beyond. To recap for those who have been away on holiday, or in hospital, a few weeks ago 3 dangerous lamas escaped from Fern Britton‘s lama farm, one was captured by plucky hero Ross Kemp and now the other two are on the run. Ross and his handsome TV brother Phil Mitchell have borrowed an army tank but shunned wearing protective body armour (as it makes them too large to fit in the tank). They are now in hot pursuit of the lamas, who have regrouped and haven’t been seen for a while. Tirelessly the brothers Kemp have been driving through the countryside leaving no stone, or in some cases whole buildings, unturned. Mr Kemp has been keeping me in the loop by texting lurid messages and pics of their exploits, which included accidentally running over some grazing cattle, and thinks at last they have spotted the two runaway camelids sheltering in Beckworth Hall’s boat shed. I am awaiting a texted update as he is about to fire at the shed to scare the beasts. I’ll let you know what happens, but he has asked me to observe radio silence until this disquieting time is over (so i’ve just switched off Ken Bruce on Radio 2). Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house tractor driver) is following the tank on a tractor ready to help with this hopeful lama capture. Most importantly, a very upset Mrs Britton has asked that no-one bothers her today as she is entertaining a group of wealthy foreign businessmen. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Two By Two In Lama Drama

Posted on 21/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I’ve just had some very exciting breaking news regarding Fern Britton‘s escaped band of brothers, The Jackson Two (the lamas are named after music’s Jackson brothers). As no-one has seen the on-the-run lamas for a few days ex-army commando Ross Kemp and his SAS trained TV brother Phil Mitchell have taken matters into their own hands and borrowed a tank to go lama hunting in the countryside. “If anyone is going to find our convict lamas it is the brave Kemp Brothers,” says Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama namer), “and isn’t it ironic that in the end it will be two brothers against two brothers.” So who will win the battle of 2 men and a tank versus 2 very dangerous lamas? Watch this space. I’ll be keeping tabs on the situation via text messages from Ross (and please don’t accost Mrs Britton about the unfolding situation, as she will be in the pub today nursing a migraine). Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Four Dead In Lama Drama

Posted on 19/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I just thought I’d keep everyone informed of the latest harrowing events with regard to the sighting of Fern Britton‘s ne’re-do-well lamas up on Archer’s Hill. I’ve just come off the phone from talking to Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama seeker) who, along with hunky hero Ross Kemp and his bald brother Phil Mitchell, went to the hills with a troupe of vigilantes to catch the estranged lamas. She told me, in graphic detail, that in a combined act of daring-do our three plucky heroes managed to humanely kill the unarmed animals. And she assures me it was only when identifying the two lamas that they realised there were in fact four of them, and that they were goats. As Doris said, in the heat of the moment tragedies such as friendly-fire can occur, and that her thoughts go out to the goats owners who have yet to be informed. Also, she explained that when shooting assault weapons from a safe distance, and from behind thick bushes, young lamas and goats are quite easily mistaken. Anyway, on a brighter note, Mrs Palmer has asked if anyone has a recipe for curried goat? I’ll let you know when I know more about the lamas (and please don’t worry Mrs Britton about the dead goats, or live lamas, as she is hosting a champagne and croquet garden party this afternoon). Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

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