Found: Father Of The Bride’s Tie

Posted on 26/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. As you’ll probably know Beckworth Police (namely me and my dog Rozzer) are currently investigating a brutal murder in the town after two hastily discarded grey ties were found on the weekend in suspicious circumstances on the high street. Interestingly no body nor any suspects have yet been discovered but we can’t be far off cracking this case as a vigilant member of the public has found a third tie. It is of similar manufacture to the other ties and is looks just like the one worn by Shrek in the film Shrek 2. This necktie was found ominously hanging in the faulty phone box between the “Pawn Your Porn” shop and the Vicarage. I have deduced that it obviously points to the Father-of-The-Bride frantically trying to phone his daughter on the morning of the wedding only to find the phone was out of order. He was no doubt going to explain that her big day will have to be postponed as her husband-to-be had died tragically on his stag do the previous evening. Currently I am investigating if anyone was killed locally on Friday most likely in a bizarre “mishap” involving a stripper, a gimp mask and some dodgy welding equipment. Having checked the the third tie for dabs before it was destroyed by the bomb-squad I now firmly believe the bride’s father has absconded to Ibiza with the best man to avoid suspicion. But I’m not stupid and have rumbled them. So i’m already looking at cheap flights to the holiday island so I can track them over the Easter holiday. But in the meantime maybe you have vital information in relation to this case that you want to get off your chest? Perhaps you or a friend can’t sleep at night because you witnessed the brutal killing in the strip club Peppermint Zebra and did nothing? Or maybe you saw a smartly dressed blood-covered old man desperately trying to make a phone call on Saturday morning? Maybe he even asked you for some change in exchange for his tie? If so CID would like to hear from you or anyone else who is ashamed to have been watching lapdancers last week. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. My dog and I will be handling this horrific murder case and we both hope to be in line for OBE’s plus large amounts of dosh and dog-food for rounding up this murderous gang on Ibiza. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The third tie found ominously hanging on an out-of-order phone box this morning

Spend Mother’s Day With Donna & Mickey

Posted on 25/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hey lucky people, this Sunday is Mother’s Day and we will be opening 11 ’til 11 to serve as many Mum’s as possible. And what mum wouldn’t want to spend her special day at Knossos Kebabs. For one day only we’re offering large donna kebabs for £9.99 each (whilst stocks last) and laid on entertainment that every mama will love. Yes local Michael Buble tribute act Michael Ball will be singing all his hits through lunch and again at dinner time. We’ve only got 6 seats in our kebab shop so most people will have to stand, so maybe you come early. It’s a day not to be missed, bring all your mother’s and Grandmother to see Khristos. See you Sunday.

Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs

Found: Best Man’s Tie

Posted on 23/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Following yesterday’s discovery of a discarded Bride-Groom’s tie, the big news in the police canteen this morning is that a Best Man’s tie has also been found. It was stumbled upon late last night by a vigilant member of the public who was looking for somewhere to relieve themself on the way back from the pub. Daylight showed it to be a tie very similar to the first but in this instance tied to a post box. The area is currently cordoned off whilst bomb-disposal experts carry out a controlled-explosion in case the whole pillar box is booby-trapped. The necktie is made of stylish shiny grey fibre and is the type worn by upper class best men such as Prince Harry and Eastender’s Ian Beale as well as dodgy estate agents and teenage sales-people in PC World. So does this essential piece of wedding-attire belong to you? Did you deliberately dispose of it whilst posting a letter of apology to the bride-to-be, cancelling her dream wedding due to a prank on the stag night going terribly wrong and the groom not surviving? Perhaps his body is hidden in the boot of ther wedding car or buried in a shallow grave under the marquee? And maybe you have skipped the country to go on the happy couple’s honeymoon believing quite rightly that there’s no point in wasting two weeks in Ibiza? If so CID would like to hear from you or anyone else on the stag weekend. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be handling this dreadful murder case and hope to be in line for a large community reward when I find the decaying remains of the groom and return them to his grieving fiance. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The Best Man’s tie found late last night whilst a member of the public had a leak against the post box under the cover of darkness

Found: Bride Groom’s Tie

Posted on 22/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Big news at the police station this morning as a Groom’s tie has been found attached to a tree. It was found in the early hours by an off-duty member of the fire service who was trying to get a neighbour’s cat down. The area around the tree is currently sealed off whilst anti-terror officers carry out a controlled-explosion in case the tie is a booby-trap. The necktie is made of man-made fibre and looks like the sort of thing worn by Prince William and husbands-to-be such in programmes like My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and Downton Abbey. So does it belong to you? Have you woken up naked this morning handcuffed to a lamp-post? Are you needing bolt-cutters to get free and a clean pair of pants to hide your frost-bitten modesty? Would you rather this torrid affair doesn’t appear as a reconstruction on CrimeWatch? If so CID would like to hear from you as soon as possible. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be single-handedly handling this neck-wear case and hope to be in line for a very large cash reward when I return what remains of the tie to it’s rightful owner. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The groom’s tie just before being blown up

Left-Wing Labrador Breeding Lollypop Lady Lambasted For Being A Lazy Loud Mouth Who Lost Her Lollypop… And Her Marbles

Posted on 17/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Shocking news just in… Beckworth’s notoriously foul-mouthed Labour supporting lollypop lady Vera Chattenden, was today reprimanded by her council employers for once again mislaying her lollypop and being late to work. She’s so far lost a record thirty-two lollies and been unpunctual over 100 times. In just 18 months! The council say they will now dock the cost of each lollypop from her meagre wages and she will make up the hours on weekends. Vera was also chastised for losing a bag marbles belonging to a distraught young school child who’d asked her to look after them whilst he was at school. When I asked about her infamous record amatuer dog-breeder Vera got very aggressive and swore like a trooper, ending the tirade with her trademark gesticulations and shouting her notorious catch-phrase “Go **** Yourself Retard!” Her husband told me “Remarkably she’s a very gentle soul and never swears when she’s sober…” before adding “but it’s been many months since she hasn’t been sozzled on, and off, duty.” A cheery council spokesperson said they couldn’t be too hard on Vera as the children and parents love her “especially when she’s turning the air blue and dragging drivers from their cars for not stopping quickly enough” What a lovely sentiment. Christine Batley. Chief Lollypop Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Vera pictured in happier times, back in the days before colour photographs and 4×4 driving yummy-mummys

St Patrick’s Day Parade

Posted on 16/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just a reminder that today at 2pm the town’s traditional St Patrick’s Day Parade will be setting off from the town hall. We are predicting that about six floats and an Irish marching band will be taking part so there’s plenty for the whole family to see. Due to fracking on the high street the parade will take a slight detour this year, going through the council estate, past the mosque and nuclear energy plant before ending up at the playing fields where this year’s Shamrock Queen will be crowned. The parade will then return along the same circuitous route ending up at The Blind Badger pub car park where traditional Irish refreshments are being laid on. It’s bound to be a grand afternoon and celebrations in the pub will probably last most of the week as they’ve got 24 hour opening until Tuesday. So “have a grand St Paddy’s day and have a drink on the little people” as they say in the emerald isle. Gary “The Leprechaun” Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council

(Above) A traditional float from the Beckworth St Patricks Day Parade, circa 1920, with The Shamrock Queen on top (Photo courtesy of Beckworth Museum)

Top Gear’s Snowy Adventure Seen Filming Outside Town

Posted on 10/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

I’ve just seen the presenters and crew of telly’s Top Gear programme filming one of their overseas adventures here in Beckworth. Little Andy Hamilton aka “Hamster” was riding a steam powered sledge through fake snow as he raced Jeremy Clarkson on snowshoes and James May on a makeshift snowboard. A woman with a clipboard told me that due to BBC cost-cutting the town is “standing in” for Italy, and the local slag heaps were meant to be the Alps. From where i was standing they looked pretty realistic if not a bit small. Dick van Preston

(Above) The presenters of TV’s Top Gear programme count their wages during a break from filming earlier today

Please Help SLAPDASH

Posted on 09/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. may I take this opportunity to introduce both myself and my family’s campaign. I am Larry Sherwood-Beckham, second cousin of “peerless” footballer and pant model David Beckham, and the custodian of the Beckham family’s ancestral home, Shell House. For years the house has stood proudly near the gas works and council estate and I am tirelessly campaigning to save it for future generations, not least so I can charge football fans to see inside the room where young David once slept and dreampt of marine mollusks. Sadly, in recent years the beautiful whitey-pink single story dwelling has fallen into dereliction, mainly due to it being made entirely of porous seashells held together with mud and partly because a faulty microwave blew it’s leaky seaweed roof off. I have tried to get lottery funding and even an art’s council grant but to no avail. But dear Beckworth, it is worth saving. It is of major cultural importance. This is where David began his lifelong passion for aquatic crustaceans, inspiring many others along the way (I wonder how many of you have posters of David in action building crude shell sculptures or beach-combing?). Shell House was originally built by mine and David’s great-grandfather, the seafarer and famed conchologist “Dr” Terence Beckham, and was our favourite after school destination when it was raining. Great-grandfather would tell of his adventures near the high seas gathering shells and mud to bring back to build his house whilst “peerless” David played keepy-ups in the kitchen. It is also a unique architectural monument to the ancient, and now lost, skill of building with barnacles and wet earth. So come on, please donate handsomely to SLAPDASH (Save Larry And “Peerless” David’s Ancestral Shell House), I reckon £250,000 should do it. I’ll be leaving a labelled pot for loose change in the laundrette and pub, or you can give it to me in person.

Cheers, Larry Sherwood-Beckham, SLAPDASH

(Above) David Beckham’s picturesque ancestral home made of shells and mud

Chinese Mime Goes Up In Smoke

Posted on 07/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. I am honoured to announce that Beckworth council is hosting a world premier next week when the Chinese State Mime School will be performing their new show, Up In Smoke, on a trailer in the town hall car park (next to the bottle bank). Geri Halliwell, herself a black belt in mime, has brought them to the UK at her own expense and has seen a rehearsal hastily recorded on a mobile phone. She told me it was a very poor quality recording but she could just make out that it was a cautionary tale warning of the perils of pipe smoking in hot air balloons. Given the school’s reputation in mime circles it will probably be first class. Tickets are £10 each and there will be performances daily all next week at 11am, 2pm and 6pm. Sorry, but due to some adult content it is over 18s only. Yours Gary Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council

Not to be missed next week The Chinese State Mime School will be performing their new show, Up In Smoke, on a trailer in the town hall car park

Volunteers Needed To Clear Old Sewer

Posted on 06/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. For those of you with a keen interest in local history this will certainly be of interest. Moving on from the successful renovation of the canal over the last few years, we are now looking for volunteers to help unblock and restore Beckworths’ Victorian sewer system to it’s former glory. It’s bound to be very dirty and smelly work but invaluable historical research (the water board are refusing to fund it, even though they were still using it twenty years ago. They have taken a defeatist stance saying it’s beyond repair). It’s a once in a lifetime chance for strong-swimmers, preferably with their own boiler-suits and breathing gear, to glimpse 19th and 20th century life through discarded toilet detritus and faeces. It is worth remembering that in their heyday the sewers (designed by Isambard Kingdom Brunel‘s adopted daughter Islington Kingston Brunel) were described as one of the seventy wonders of the world and were opened to the public by Prince Albert and his incontinent brother Prince Leopald Von Pitsburg, both keen sewer fanatics. Please email the secretary of the society Sarah Beeny for more details about volunteering. Many thanks, Bill Christchurch. Beckworth Historical Society.

(Above) Princes Albert and Leopald stand with Miss Brunel and guest stand on top of the nearly completed Beckworth’s sewers at their grand opening

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings