Freedom 4 Fish Terror Plot Foiled On Bus

Posted on 05/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It’s a very exciting start to the day as we have breaking news just in… Beckworth is today at the centre of a (thankfully foiled) major “Terror” incident and the town is crawling with police, vets and undercover SAS, probably. Plain clothed ticket-inspectors intercepted an anarchist group calling themselves Freedom 4 Fish on the number 4 bus to Slocombe Aquarium at 8.27 this morning. In a statement posted on twitter, and in the newsagent’s window, the group have stated their intention “to free all our fishy friends held captive against their will and give them a voice.” It went onto read “Just because they don’t have arms or legs (or means of communication) doesn’t mean (wo)mankind can ride rough-shod over their feelings. And not listen to fish opinions.” The card has since been removed as it hasn’t been paid for. Coleen Rooney who was travelling to work on the crowded bus told me over a cup of tea that the three members of Freedom 4 Fish captured by the inspector were disguised as school children and only aroused suspicion when one of the “kids” who had a very bushy ginger beard produced a twenty years out-of-date child’s bus-pass. I’ll let you know when I get more news on this terrifying aquatic story… Christine Batley. Chief Votes For Fish Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) One of the naughty anarchist “school children” arrested earlier today (photo taken by Colleen Rooney on her phone)

A Stefan Nightingale Sings In Leicester Square

Posted on 04/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello dear Beckworth. I am delighted to share with you the first part of an interview I recorded a few years ago, it is most stimulating. Please enjoy

Stefan Nightingale (aka Stephen Bendish)

Nero: First Sighting

Posted on 03/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. After nearly three weeks in the wilderness Nero, our escaped tiger, has been spotted by a vigilant celebrity near the allotments. Local historian & TimeTeam’s Mr Baldrick Tony Robinson, said he spotted our errant cat by some ornamental rocks belonging to close friend Rowan Atkinson “Nero was very still & quiet. Just watching, waiting, ready to pounce. I guess he was stealthily tracking his prey to the allotments, root vegetables being a firm favourite with “Big Cats” in the wild.” By the time the zoo’s crack team of animal hunters arrived with guns our tiger had gone, but not before defecating in Shane Richie‘s newly painted shed. Nero is easy to spot, he is the size of a donkey, look’s like an orange striped cat and has large claws, so it’s surprising he’s not been seen before. But tigers are wiley creatures, even stuffed ones. If you do see him please contact us, or the police, and text photo’s so we can verify it’s Nero. Thanking you. Timothy Thetford. Head Zookeeper. Crewbury Zoo and Aquapark.

(Above) Nero the escaped tiger photographed staking out a rockery earlier today

Salvation With The Post

Posted on 03/03/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. The Salvation Army today chose Beckworth to launch it’s new national postal service, SalvationMail, with an early morning press conference. The recently appointed head of Salvation Army marketing, Colin Bradford-Bingly, was quoted as saying “Since joining the SA from the Nuclear Industry i’ve been looking to extend the cherished Salvation brand beyond just being an army.” He continued “I’m proud to say the SA was ahead of the curve launching “chuggers”, we were the first charity with a uniform and nice hats and the first to saturate the brass band market… So the marketing team have been “blue sking” and “mind mapping” and came up with idea of launching The Salvation Air Force. Unfortunately the planes cost far too much… even the grounded ones. During a team “brain-storm” it dawned us that if we got some cheap boats it would be a a safe bet to launch The Salvation Navy. But we got into a hoohah with the RNLI over preaching to people in difficulties at sea, so that’s on the back burner for the time being.” He then added “But the recent privatisation of Royal Mail handed us a golden opportunity. The SalvationMail can deliver post at a competitive cost and spread the word of our Lord door to door at the same time. It’s a win-win situation” When asked why Beckworth was chosen for the launch Colin B-B replied “it has great road, rail and footpath connections, a lot of people looking for salvation with their mail… and besides which I live in the town so I didn’t have far to go to get to the press launch” The Salvation Mail will have it’s own stamps, with Jesus on instead of the Queen, and hopes to have it’s own letterboxes and post offices soon “We’re starting small but are looking to rival Royal Mail within 12 months” I’ll let you know when I get more news on this enlightening story… Christine Batley. Chief God’s Own Post Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The world’s first SalvationMail sorting office opens in Beckworth

Parrots Of The Caribbean – Open Auditions

Posted on 28/02/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. We are starting auditions next week for our first dramatic performance of 2014 and are looking for new talent. This could be you! For five nights around Easter we will be putting on an original musical loosely based on the film Pirates Of The Caribbean. But in a twist of pure genius all the characters are birds of paradise not pirates, so it’s been imaginatively titled Parrots Of The Caribbean. Written down the pub by local girls made good Dame Maggie Smith and Sir Judie Dench, with a little help from Andrew Lloyd Webber‘s younger brother Neville, our performances will be a world first. I’ve seen the script in passing and given it’s novelty value it’s very likely to transfer to the West End or Broadway… or even Hollywood. So this could be your stab at stardom! First time director Gordon Brown will be auditioning hopefuls from 7pm daily but come early as auditions are bound to be very busy… And if you have your own feathered costume please wear it. The lead parts have already been taken by key members of The Beckworth Players, daytime TV heartthrob Philip Schofield will play Jack SparrowHawk, but we will still need cast members for inconsequential non-speaking parts, the odd dance routine and to sell ice-creams in the interval. Auditions will be held in our rehearsal space above Chiswicks The Fishmongers and are open to anyone. But to be honest we’re really looking for extremely beautiful people, so if you’re a bit of a minger don’t waste our time. Mr Gordon says he wants to find the next Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus or at least I think that’s what he said, but I was texting at the time. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own tap shoes. See you Monday, Chico (producer)

(Above) Philip “Pip” Schofield excitedly tries on his new costume for the first time today

We Need More Fudge Says Heston

Posted on 24/02/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. I’m very pleased to say that about a dozen or so locals have made the effort to make fudge bricks for Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal’s “Fudgeworth” (model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge), but they’ll need a lot more to complete this mammoth task. “We’ve probably got enough so far to model the public toilets and maybe part of the abattoire ” Heston told me during a fag and beer break earlier today “But we’ll need all of Beckworth’s residents to make at least six kilograms each to get the model finished… And we’ve not got much time as I’ve a new telly series to start filming and my Dad wants to get back to his allotment and his ferrets.” So pull your finger out Beckworth, the father and son chefs can’t do this without your help and we want to be the next town on the confectionery world map. We’re up against stiff competition as Cadburys‘ are currently building a chocolate model of Birmingham, said to include a Dairy Milk exhibition centre, a Bourneville shopping precinct and even a Fruit & Nut job centre. Nestle are rumoured to have started laying out the “Quality Streets” of their model of York which will include a model of the minster made out of the toffees no one likes. So let’s crack on Beckworth, there’s not a moment to waste. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for people unsteady on their feet not dropping off fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

(Above) Heston shows his dad Tony how to make his trade mark “smokie cabbage” fudge earlier today

Heston Blumenthal, & His Dad, Want Your Fudge

Posted on 21/02/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. I’m very excited to be able to tell you that at long last we have got planning permission to build “Fudgeworth” in the grounds of The Hill View Hotel. Fudgeworth, a model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge, is the brain child of local father and son chefs Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal, and is bound to become a big tourist attraction. But it’s a big building project and we need your help. Could you make fudge bricks, windows, doors etc? Maybe you’re a dab hand at making confectionery models of buses and trains. Or bridges? Or trees and hedges? If so, we need you to get baking (or however it is you make fudge. I wouldn’t know as it brings me out in a rash). For the next two weeks the chef duo will be building Fudgeworth, so please drop off your contributions at the hotel reception and Heston and Tony can get on with the hard graft of making the miniature village. There will be a grand opening when it’s finished, so watch this space, and we’re hoping to get Sue Perkins to do the honours (as she’s rumoured to have a sweet tooth and isn’t exactly publicity shy!). We are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so literally anyone with fudge making skills can drop off their handy work. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

(Above) Father and son chefs, Tony and Heston, raring to get stuck into building a miniature Beckworth in fudge

Nude Whistling & Shouting Championships This Saturday

Posted on 17/02/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. This Saturday your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are honoured to be hosting the 26th International Festival Of Nude Whistling And Shouting, the first time the event has been held in the UK for over 25 years. The main attraction, besides the vintage steam fair and nude brass bands, will be the final rounds of the World Nude Vocalising Championships, with contestants from as far afield as North Korea, Iran and Sheffield taking part. Meryl Streep, representing the USA, will try to retain her title in the Naked Whistling and local lad Ray Winstone says he has been training hard in the hope of toppling Nude Shouter 2013 “Sly” Sylvester Stallone, who won the event for a record three years running. Sadly nude yodelling has been dropped due to the scandal at last years’ final (held in the Vatican City, Rome) which forced an intervention by riot police and the Pope‘s own bodyguards. My close friend Wayne, himself a semi-finalist, said the reaction was very heavy handed and out of all proportion to the minor fracas in the Sistine Chapel toilets. “Arresting Helena Bonham Carter, the runner-up, was an insult to the world of yodelling and damaging to the Vatican’s reputation” he told me in the bath afterwards. This year spectators of all ages are welcome, admission is free and the venue will be the sports field, or in the case of inclement weather, the scout hut. So come along and see men and woman of all ages make very loud noises in the buff. See you there, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

(Above) The Pope blissfully unaware of the yodelling fracas occurring in the toilets behind him meets a member of the public who’s disguised as a ghost

Escaped Tiger On The Loose

Posted on 14/02/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I don’t want to panic anyone but this is an official public health warning: Please be aware that one of our tigers has escaped!! What should have been a routine trip back to the zoo for Nero (the tiger in question) took a turn for the worse when a sudden mini hurricane blew the side off his wooden cage. Nero was being transported on the back of a truck when the wind “rattled his cage”, throwing both onto the pavement whereupon the cage broke open and Nero “ran” off. The wind was so strong it forced the poor tiger down Beckworth high street, past a crowded bus-stop and out into the countryside where he was last spotted “looking bewildered” as he sped across a muddy field full of sheep. We are very concerned about him as he has never been out on his own before and may well be anxious. So we need your help him tracking him down… Nero is easy to spot, he is the size of a small horse, look’s like a striped orange cat and has large claws, which have only just been manicured, hence the journey on the truck. Although tiger poses little threat to human life the (he was stuffed last year) it’s best to be careful and the zoo urges members of the public not to approach Nero. He may look cute but his claws and teeth are very sharp… and he has fleas. If you do see him please contact us, or the police, and text photo’s so we can verify it’s Nero. We don’t want to waste our time chasing other tigers, especially scary live ones! Thanking you. Timothy Thetford. Head Zookeeper. Crewbury Zoo and Aquapark.

(Above) Nero’s cage pictured after he’d broken out and run off earlier today

Unique Valentine’s Gift Left On Lawn

Posted on 14/02/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, this morning I can for once share happy uplifting news with you. Local resident, and keen collector of hammers, Gilbert Barnstable has today given his wife a unique Valentine’s gift. A tank made out of flowers. “The missus was pleasantly surprised when she drew back the curtains today” Mr Barnstable is quoted as saying “Normally she just finds foxes crap on the lawn but this morning she found a scale model of a Sherman tank made entirely of plastic flowers… It almost brought a tear to her eyes, but she said it was just dust!” Mr Gilbert explained it took him 6 months to make in his shed and he got the idea when watching a documentary about the anniversary of World War One “Me and the missus are big fans of warfare and love weapons, especially tracked vehicles like tanks. So i thought i’d combine celebrating the start of the Great War with giving flowers to her indoors on valentines day” What a thoughtful husband Mr Barnstable is. By the way, the beautiful tank can currently be seen outside the Barnstables’ house but hurry as the police are threatening to have it removed for inciting racial hatred amongst their neighbours. I’ll let you know if I have more news on this wonderful story… Christine Batley. Chief Flowers On Valentine’s Day Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The flower tank described as racially dangerous by the police

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Freedom 4 Fish Terror Plot Foiled On Bus

A Stefan Nightingale Sings In Leicester Square

Nero: First Sighting

Salvation With The Post

Parrots Of The Caribbean – Open Auditions

We Need More Fudge Says Heston

Heston Blumenthal, & His Dad, Want Your Fudge

Nude Whistling & Shouting Championships This Saturday

Escaped Tiger On The Loose

Unique Valentine’s Gift Left On Lawn

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