My goodness look what I’ve found, more from the good Doctor’s interview with me…
Please do enjoy. Clifford
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Beckworth Star Spot: U2
I’ve just seen the Pope’s pal, rockstar Bono, buying travel sweets and fags in the newsagents. He looked very different without his sunglasses on, a lot fatter and more ginger. Also, he didn’t sound Irish at all, in fact he had more of a Geordie accent. It’s funny what these pop people will do to avoid being recognised. Then, when I came out of the shop I spotted his friend Edge busking by the bottle bank down the road, so I’m guessing they were off on tour. Gilbert Barnstaple.
(Above) Bono photographed going to meet his friend Edge earlier today
Chilly Themepark To Reopen
Hello. Just to let you know that after a no-expense spared two-month £3,000 face-lift the Iceland foods themed Iceland Land Theme Park in Slocombe is to reopen in time for the school holidays and is now recruiting Icelanders (staff). Do you have the required skills to press start and stop to operate the Frozen Chicken Big BBQ Dipper ride? Are you qualified to monotonously stamp the tickets for Ice Lolly Mountain or tell little kids to stop messing around on the Own Brand Cola Dodgems? Do you have the nerve (and a clean licence) to drive the Mini Quiche Party Train or serve far too many drinks to benefit-fraud teenage parents in the Mum’s Gone To Iceland Cocktail Bar? If so they want to hear from you. Iceland Land are an equal opportunities employer so people of all colours, weight and sexual & religious persuasions can apply and they will even accept CVs from the blind and non-ablebodied communities (though of course they probably won’t get an interview). All applicants must be over 18 and have been out of prison or clean of Class A drugs for at least 5 years. So if you live on a council estate why not apply, as the advert says, “It’s Chills and Thrills All The Way At Iceland Land.”
Application forms available online. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus
Filming In Beckworth
Dear all, the more observant of you (no offence to the visually impaired) will probably have noticed large vans blocking the way on Right Said Fred Lane, with cables trailing dangerously along the pavement into Carnaby Cottage, home to star of stage and screen, Paul Weller. Why you ask? Because this week Beckworth is honoured to see the filming of a new TV action series called Cash In The Cupboard (a very low-budget spin-off, from the bafta-award winning series Cash In The Attic, being made for Dave TV). An insider from the series (one of the drivers) says that Paul is looking to raise about £525 for a family holiday in Benidorm by auctioning off tat from his sideboard. I for one can’t wait to see the programme, and wish Mr Weller good luck on trying to raise that cash.
Christine Batley. Chief TV & Film Reporter. Beckworth Guardian.
(Above) Paul Weller on set with Cash In The Cupboard presenter Sir David Dickinson
Local Hero Is Front Runner To Be The New Dr Who
Breaking news: Bookies are placing SAS commando, and local hunky celeb, Ross Kemp as a 2 to 1 favourite to be the next Dr Who. Mr Kemp has been quoted as saying “I’d add grittiness and aggression to the role, plus i’ve got a great idea for his next look.”
Ross went on to say “We’ve not had a shaven headed hero playing the doc yet and my military training would make me ideal for taking out aliens from all parts of the galaxy, especially if Dr Who traded-in that knackered tardis for a well-armed time-travelling tank.” So let’s hope the BBC do the right thing and use licence fees to sign up the very talented and gorgeous Mr Kemp.
Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) The look of the next Dr Who as imagined by Ross Kemp
Could You Be Pippa Middleton’s Mother?
The Beckworth Players are looking for a lady (or man in drag) to play Pippa Middleton’s mother Vera, in their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes. The lady we had lined up for this starring role has unfortunately been detained at her majesties pleasure. So now the part is open to literally anyone (we’re desperate as rehearsals are well underway). Director, and local heartthrob, Ross Kemp says he is determined to find the perfect lady/man, “preferably someone hot, with nice shaved legs and a large bottom”. The musical, written by Vernon Kay himself, will be Mr Kemp’s first production so he’s praying it’s a winner and could transfer to the West End (of London, not Beckworth). Only people over 18 should apply and Ross will be personally auditioning all applicants in his flat after the pubs have shut. Good luck, Chico (producer)
It’s Coronation Madness At 99p Land
Yes, we’ve gone Coronation mad and for one day only (tomorrow) we are turning back our clock to the year our beloved Queen was coronated, 1973. So everything will be priced as if we were a 99p shop back then. Yes, that’s right, we must be barking beacuse everything in store will be just 99p* And on top of that, the staff will be getting into a right old spirit and wearing large sideburns, afros and flared trousers; and the men will also be wearing appropriate outfits from the Coronation. So come to the store for baragins galore. Please note that as a mark of respect to the Coronation we will be closed tomorrow from midday. Bim Gujranwala. Manager. 99p Land
* Offer excludes anything that is priced higher than 99p and alcohol
Susan Boyle Is Queen For A Day
Just a reminder that today, from 1pm, we will be recreating the Queen’s Coronation in St Faith’s church. Come and relive the sights and sounds of 80 years ago, we’ve got some acting “royalty” being real Royalty, Ross Kemp is playing Prince Philip, Susan Boyle is the young virgin Queen with Fern Cotton as Princess Anne and Gary Barlow as Prince Charles. They’ll be choristers singing carols, a miniature horse and carriage, and the vicar will be pretending to be the Pope, doing all the crowning and stuff. It’s a must see afternoon for the whole family and for those that can’t fit in the church we will be relaying the sounds very loudly over speakers in the graveyard. So come all ye faithful.
The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors
Putting God’s Words Into Randy’s Mouth
This is a message to all of you who like your music religious, your singers to be made of wood and your ale real. Tomorrow night local “friends of Jesus” and amateur ventriloquists, Uncle Len & Aunt Nancy Wheely, will be rocking our back room venue. Along with their sexually-deviant “son” Randy they will sing all of their God-fearing cover versions including Stairway To Heaven, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath and Robbie William’s Angels. They’re guaranteed to bring joy to our hearts and fill the bar with Godliness, or so their agent has told me. They will also be signing copies of their thought-provoking debut album Do You Know Jesus?, which will be onsale after the show, along with t-shirts, mouse-mats and “Randy” keyfobs. It’s only a fiver on the door and this week’s featured ale at the pub is Beelzebub’s Bathwater. Warning: If you don’t like people singing about Jesus, or ventriloquists, then stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Lucky Seven Are Not To Be Sniffed At
Hello. I just thought i’d share with you the historic news that Beckworth is to be in the Guiness Book of Records. The Guinness people have just rung to confirm the town has won the world record of the “most snuff-sniffers in a field at one time” and we beat the record, of six sniffers, by just one. So a big thank you to The Beckworth Smokelss Tobacco Club for their sterling effort, especially when so many members were suffering from hayfever. And who knows, they may even get a photo posing with the next book? Mayor G. Grimsby
