Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth

Local MP Hoping For Cabinet Role Alongside Old Etonian Boris.

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Exclusive breaking Prime Minister Johnson news just in… In a fortuitous stroke of luck I just popped out to have a well earned cigarette break and who should I bump into coming out of the betting shop on the high street? Yes, our very own, highly respected, Beckworth MP, Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP who honoured me there and then with an exclusive interview as we shared a Marlborough Light. Mr Tooting-Broadway was very excited to have just won a “monkey on the gee-gees” (I’ve no idea what a monkey means but it must be good given his infectious happiness) and also to have found out that he is very likely to have landed a role in his friend Boris’ cabinet after years gathering dust on the back benches… Stephen told me he had been “friends” with the new Prime Minister since Prep School and that his younger brother, Rory Tooting-Broadway (the famous porn and sausage-meat baron), was Mr Johnsons fag at Eton (I looked it up and it means man servant not gay boy as I’d thought), so they know Boris Johnson‘s most intimate secrets which he’s offered to tell me at a price. Good luck to Tooting-Broadway and of course to Mr Johnson, I think the two of them can at last get us out of the stinking corrupt mire that is Europe. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Boris Johnson PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

The Coffee Bean Devil Tries To Ride Again

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Hello everyone. As you are probably aware it is exactly five years to the day since the inaugural meeting of STUCCO, which aimed to stop one of the devil’s favourite shops opening on the High Street. Ultimately, myself and the other three members of STUCCO failed to stop Cost O’Bucks, the faceless International Irish coffee chain, blighting our beautiful town… But now STUCCO (Stop This Ubiquitous Coffee Chain Opening) is back! We want to stop the Roman coffee chain Stara Nero opening a concession in Sainsco which we know is a Trojab Horse before it takes over the town with its coffee themed comestibles… With your help we could be bigger, better and more organised than last time (and hopefully succesful), and for this reason I am proposing we form a new action committee. I have taken it upon myself to keep the catchy name, STUCCO, and have booked the snug at The Blind Badger this Tuesday at 7pm to have an inaugural meet. Please spread the word and see you then. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh. Chairperson and founder. STUCCO

Kebabs On The Moon

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Hey, you Beckworth people today is your lucky day… Here at Knossos Kebabs we celebrate Man Of The Moon by serving up Moon themed kebabs until 1.25am tonight. Just like astronauts you can eat a kebab looking at the moon (it was the only food they ate whilst in their rocket), and as we generous we’ll donate 50p “to charity” for anyone who can eat a donna & chips in the time it takes us to shout “5, 4 , 3, 2, 1, blast off” very loudly through a loud haler! So bring all your family and friends to party like it’s 1969 at Kape Konaveral (we’ll not be selling food or drink at 1969 prices so don’t get your hope up). Today only we’re offering large “Moon Dust” donna kebabs for £19.99 each (whilst stocks last) and we’ve laid on a local star, the UK’s 44th best David Bowie/Cilla Black impersonator Cilla Sawdust, to sing Ground Control To Major Tom repeatedly, or at least until the batteries in his ghetto blaster run out. Happy Moon Walk day and see you tonight, or this afternoon…. And please bring cash as the card machine is still broken.

Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs

5-4-3-2-1 Blast Off… Come & Celebrate Man Strolling On The Moon Today

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Just a reminder that today, from 2pm, we will be recreating Man’s First Walk On The Moon in the sandpit of the children’s play area next to the sports field. Yesterdays’ dress rehearsal went quite well, with only three re-enactors hospitalised after their pretend rocket went off course and crash landed on the swings. It’s likely to be a day to remember, so see you there…. The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors

Come & Celebrate The 100th Anniversary Of Man Taking A Stroll On The Moon

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Just a reminder that next Saturday, from 2pm, we will be recreating what was probably Man’s First Walk On The Moon in the sandpit of the childrens play area next to the sports field. This is our most ambitious and most daring re-enactment yet and will feature a scale model of the Apollo 11 rocket pretending to take off (from the car park), simulate flying about a bit and then quickly touching down on the moon (the sand pit). From there our two intrepid “astronauts” Lee Armstrong and Buzz Aldridge will act out descending to the moons surface (the sand pit) to take samples of moon dust (sand) and to pitch a tent… Then after an hour or so of walking and jumping about it’ll be back in the rocket to pretend to come home to Earth and splash down in the pond. We’ve even got mock ups of moon rocks and aliens played by many of our members. Its a day to remember, so see you next weekend and lets make (re-enact) history together…. The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors

Local Tennis Legend Loses In Semi-Final At Wimbledon

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Breaking Wimbledon new just in (actually it happened yesterday but I was watching Federera and Nedal)… Beckworth’s very own “Mr Tennis” Lionel “Corky” Deptford (along with his “mixed” doubles partner (Andy Murray’s second cousin) Sandy) were sadly beaten in straight sets in yesterday’s semi-final…  Someone told me in passing that it was a great match, although they hadn’t actually seen it but then neither has “Corky”as he’s registered blind (he plays by sound alone)!!! Small consolation is that blind 95 year old “Corky” served the fastest ace this year at Wimbledon, having hit a ball at 189mph. Mr Deptford is said to be gutted not to make it to the finals as the winnings were to be spent on a new door for his front porch. Fingers crossed he’ll reach the finals next year and get that door “prize”. Beckworths’ other hope for glory, Corky’s Great-Grandson, 15 year old Louis “Cocky” Lewisham was disqualified minutes into his quarter final match for throwing a full bottle of Robinsons Barley Water (flavour unknown) at the Umpire after Cocky used the f word repeatedly whilst playing. The umpire was unhurt but visibly shaken and left the court in floods of tears… We wish young Master Lewisham much better luck next year… Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Heroic Son Released On Parole

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Dear Beckworth. As promised many years ago I am keeping my husband Noel Edmund’s billions of fans up to date with whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist. You may remember our favourite son left Beckworth almost exactly five years and unfortunately a short time into his round the world skating and mime trip was arrested and imprisoned in Italy for allegedly roller-blading nude outside the Vatican… He luckily escaped prison by disguising himself as a takeaway-pizza box and thanks to a very friendly oil tanker hitched a ride to Brazil… He hadn’t been in Rio long when he was imprisoned again, this time on fabricated charges of imitating in the street, naked apart from a crown of thorns, the famous statue Christ The Redeemer… Thankfully after serving almost 3 years in a maximum security prison Neil has been placed on probation and is planning to stow-away to the USA, where he will no doubt be welcomed and given shelter by his Dad’s legions of American fans. Sir Donald Trump is a fan of Noels House Party so perhaps Neil will end up working at the White House? I’ll keep you posted on Neils’s ongoing adventure, hopefully at last starting the US leg of his global quest to bring ice skating and mime to the World’s rich and famous. And you can show you care by sponsoring Neil via his dad’s Deal Or No deal website or by giving us large amounts of cash in person (no coins please). Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds

Tennis’s Second Oldest Player Playing On Court Today… Or Tomorrow

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Breaking Wimbledon new just in (In truth I knew last week but I’m only just reporting it)…. Local boy made good (and Wimbledon’s oldest competitor) Lionel Corky” Deptford will be playing “mixed” doubles with Andy Murray’s second cousin Sandy later today, or tomorrow if they can’t get a court to play on… It will hopefully be shown live on BBC2 or on something called red button (which I think is another word for the internet). 95 year old “Corky”, a wildcard choice to play the Grand Slam, was sadly knocked out in the first-round singles matches last week, by his own Great-Grandson, 15 year old Louis “Cocky” Lewisham. I didn’t see the match myself as it clashed with Nedal (I think), or I may have been out shopping. I’m told it was a thrilling match with Corky and his opponent Cocky having the quickest match in Wimbledon history. The completely blind Mr Deptford told me over the phone that “the little b*****d didn’t let up or give me a chance” and that his gout had been playing up… After a coughing fit he went onto add that he’d desperately needed the loo so was glad when the grudge match was over… Lionel is still almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player though his ranking has slipped to 16,174th place, in age he is second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (105 years young and currently ranked 56th), who sadly couldn’t get a flight to compete at Wimbledon. Mr Deptford went onto say his new gender-fluid doubles partner Sandy is so much better than last years (Wayne Federer, Roger’s Dad) and he hoped they’d make it to the finals. Fingers crossed. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Dr Cox Why Do The American Celebrate The 4th July, Is It Jesus’s Birthday?

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Hello all, it’s your genius Prof Brian Cox here. The line above asks “Is Today Jesus’s Birthday?” I get that out of the way straight away as I can answer it very quickly, whilst I comb my beautiful hair, and the answer is… No, of course its not! His birthday is at Easter, so you’ve missed it. To discover the reason our American friends celebrate 4th July we have to go back about 500 years in history to the Middle Ages (sometimes known as the Dark Ages as it was before Edison had invented light bulbs… or lighthouses). In those days terrible Tory landowners had inflicted heavy taxes on the poor here in England, so many poor folk emigrated as stowaways to the USA (that’s poor as in they had no money… not they were unlucky). Many of the very first US settlers were originally from Beckworth, such as Donald Trump‘s turnip picking ancestors Vince and Mary Trump. In fact “fact fans” the name Trump is in fact Turnip wrongly spelt when they landed in America! Anyway I digress… like many of their fellow Beckworth stowaways they settled within spitting distance of New York‘s famous Statue Of Liberty and named their new village New Beckworth, with whom we were once twinned until we fell out with them last year. Anyway, July 4th was chosen as a day to celebrate arriving in the USA as it was almost exactly half way through the year and the day when the first pub opened in New Beckworth. So that’s the answer, and remember who told you first… I’ve got to rush off now, I’m having a cream tea and drinks with my most special new friends HRH Princess Meghan and Prince Harry pals, and don’t want to be late…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.

$th July Parade This Saturday

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Hello Beckworth, or should that be “Howdy Partners”, I hope this message finds you well. I thought it best that I reminded you that this coming weekend we will be celebrating today’s US independence day. Thanks to sponsorship by Dunkin Donuts and The Trump Fellowship Of High-Earners we will be hosting a parade, followed by a rodeo on the Sainsco car park. We are expecting many visiting rodeoers and marching bands from the USA so please expect delays if you’re hoping to do your shopping on Saturday (and use buses as all parking in the town will be suspended). The parade will start at the library (at 11am) and is due to be opened and then led by President Trump’s very distant cousin Reg Trump, ex-local window cleaner and best friend of the betting office. Reg, if he’s sober, will try to lead our very own Beckworth cheerleading troupe and the scouts brass band through the packed streets of the town…

See you Saturday, Thanking you most warmly.

Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council