Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth

Small Blue Clue Found

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Hello, just a quick update on the horrific Stag Do Massacre case. PC Rozzer (my doggy assistant) has been sniffing around looking for clues and unearthed a very large blue clue this morning. To the untrained eye it looks like a very small porta-cabin, but as it could only hold a couple of people at a time i’m inclined to think it is something else. I’ve no idea what it could be but while i try and suss that out the anti-terrorist bomb-squad will remotely destroy it (as they believe it to be a death trap). It’s some how connected to the Stag Do murder, maybe a couple of gang members are hiding in it? Possibly it’s the stripper’s changing room she used prior to entertaining the gang? If you have any knowledge about small blue portable buildings then CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I are currently working part-time as we’ve got the Beckworth Country Show coming up and we want to enter some veg in the allotment show. I’ll keep you posted on murder developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.

Beckworth_PortaLoo

Waxwork Museum Set To Open Later This Year

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Great news for those of you already planning Christmas, unemployed taxidermist and amateur wax “sculptor” Neville Preston-Tussaud hopes to open Beckworth’s most exciting indoor tourist attraction by December. Taking inspiration from his Great Great Grandma, Mrs Madam Tussaud, Neville is to open a small waxworks museum in the garage next to his house and in his garden shed. He hopes to have at least 12 celebrity effigies on show and has already got Harry from One Direction and Prince William finished, with a half size Miley Cyrus currently in progress. As soon as I know more about the museum opening I will let you know. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.

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(Above) Harry and William are bound to be star attractions when the waxworks opens

First Medal For Beckworth At Commonwealth Games

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Great news, local residents and keen naturists Willy Belfast and Marge Bushey have won Beckworth’s first (bronze) medal at the Commonwealth games. The sexagenarian couple came third in the mixed-doubles 1000m tandem-cycling race earlier today and afterwards gave their trademark “mooning” lap of honour, to fervent shouts of encouragement from the Glasgow spectators. But it was touch and go whether they would be allowed onto the podium to accept their medal due to the cyclist’s state of undress. But Lord Seb Coe saved the day by lending the couple his spare pants and thus attired the ceremony went ahead. Christine Batley. Chief Naked Cycle Racing Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Tania Modra and Sarnya Parker (AUS) action Cycling Track 2000 Sy

(Above) Bronze medalists Willi and Marge in action
(Their modesty has been electronically covered)

Star Spot: The Pope (Once Again)

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Hello all. This is third time this week I’ve seen the ex-Pope (John Paul George Ringo II) on my way between pubs. Today I was walking up Madonna Lane when I saw him getting a tool kit and pipes from his old pope-mobile (that he’s cunningly disguised as a plumber’s van). As he had his hands full I offered to get a packet of cigarettes out from his overall pockets, so we could both have a smoke and catch up on events in the Vatican City. You would have thought i’d told him God doesn’t exist by the way he told me to “go away” using very colourfull language, and he’s still insisting his name’s Rod. I’ll tell you, it’s no wonder he’s the ex-leader of The Catholic Church and not still in the job, he’s got the vocabulary of Kerry Katona and the manners of a football player. All the best, Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

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(Above) The ex-Pope getting his plumbing tools from his Pope-mobile earlier today

Welsh Ike & Tina In Concert This Friday

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Great news, this Friday the top Welsh language London based all-male Ike & Tina Turner tribute act will be playing at the Blind Badger. Mike & Tony Turner will be playing songs from their album Terfynau Bugeiliaid Bush City (Shepherds Bush City Limits) and their forthcoming musical, about recent floods and the recession, River Deep Prisiau Uchel (River Deep Prices High). The wonderful celtic show is only £14.50 on the door and in honour of the duo this weekend’s featured (Welsh brewed) ale at the pub is Sheep Dip. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

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(Above) The Welsh speaking Ike & Tina Turner tribute duo (Mike on the left, Tony on the right) practicing in the pub car park earlier today

UKIP Sponsored Common Wealth Games Opening Ceremony Tonight

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Hi, I just wanted to remind you all that tonight Beckworth will host it’s own alternative opening ceremony for the Commonwealth Games on the sports field from 8pm with refreshments on sale in the scout hut. A spokesman for the local branch of UKIP, who organised the event as a demonstration against the Scottish Referendum, was quoted as saying “we just wanted to have our voice heard and point out how immigration has distorted the UK” before adding “And we can’t be arsed going all the way to Scotland to see our English boys and girls parading around with flags.” He went on to say “It’s worth having an English opening ceremony, as our team is bound to thrash all the foreigners at sport and swimming and stuff. Therefore we’re putting on an evening of only English entertainment.” I am reliably informed that this will include Noel Edmunds’ stunt kite display, music from Uncle Len & Aunt Nancy Wheely and conclude with the famed Beckworth Unicycle Formation Dance Team (featuring UKIP’s very own Nigel Farage) dancing to some Now That’s What I Call English Music CDs. It’s a free event so see you there. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.

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(Above) Nigel Farage unicycling to the opening ceremony rehearsal earlier today

Star Spot: The Pope (Again)

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Hello all. For the second time this week I’ve seen the ex-Pope (John Paul George Ringo II). I was falling out of the pub early this morning after a lock-in to celebrate baby King George’s birthday when i spotted the Pontiff buying his poodle some tins of food in the corner shop. Interestingly he is now saying he’s not the ex-Pope but a semi-retired plumber called Rod. But blotto or not I know an ex-Bishop of Rome when I see one. Anyway, as a gesture of friendship I tried to ponce more cigarettes off him, but he claimed he had just given up smoking. If he wasn’t the ex-leader of The Catholic Church I’d have said the blighter was lying. All the best, Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

PS many thanks to Leslie Warwick for the tea cosy. It is a perfect replacement for my lost balaclava

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(Above) The ex-Pope’s Poodle waits patiently outside the corner shop

Heroic Son Reaches Dover

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Dear Beckworth. As promised I am keeping the many millions of my husband Noel’s fans up to date with whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist. He left Beckworth last week (i forget which day) and was accompanied to the south coast by his brother Nial and sister Bury-Saint. Unfortunately due to rain storms blunting his skates Neil arrived at the Channel Ferry Port in Dover too late and missed the ferry to France. But as luck would have it a ferry was going to Holland, or Belgium (i’m not sure which) and he is now on that instead. So by tomorrow morning our intrepid son will be on the European leg of his around the World ice skating and mime quest. You can sponsor Neil via his dad’s Deal Or No deal website or by giving us cash in person. Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds

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(Above) The Calais ferry leaves Dover without skater Neil Edmunds onboard earlier today

Cake Sale For Prince George

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Hello. Just to say that in celebration of the boy king, George, turning one today we are holding a cake sale in the scout hut today from 1pm. All proceeds will go towards creating a living effigy of our future monarch. Last year we planted a bush outside WHJones (near the bus stop) and with the money raised today we will pay amateur topiary expert Alan Titmarsh to trim the bush into the shape of George (which will make a nice change for Alan as he mostly creates phallic shapes). Yours, Trinny Poole-Harbour, Women’s Institute

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(Above) Paparrazzi grab a picture of a baby crawling earlier today, which may or may not be one year old HRH George as babies all look alike to me

Star Spot: The Pope

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Hello all. I’ve just seen the ex-Bishop Of Rome (Pope John Paul George Ringo II) in the betting shop losing a tenner on the gee-gees. Being of the Agnostic persuasion I felt no guilt at kicking the poor bugger whilst he was down (not literally but… ), and ponced his last two cigarettes off him. I will smoke them and say a few hail Marys whilst I await the results of the 2.15 at Chepstow. God Bless the ex-leader of The Catholic Church, Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

PS I still can’t find my blasted balaclava, so if anyone has a spare hat i’d like it!

Patrick Stewart opens new weather centre John Clare Cottage Helpston and has a tour of the village

(Above) A visibly upset ex-Pope photographed leaving a turf accountants earlier today