Category Archives: Christine Batley

Mr Cameron Gets Caught Talking Cobblers

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Breaking News… On a flying visit to secure the votes in the marginal seat of Beckworth South, Prime Minister David Cameron today revealed the real love of his life… And it isn’t Sam or politics. Mr Prime Minister let his passion for shoes, and more specifically shoe-re-soling, out of the bag. On his walkabout through the town Mr David popped into Beckworth’s very own shoe menders, Gobbler’s The Cobblers, earlier today and was overheard talking in raptures about rubber soles and blakeys. The PM was heard saying to Herman Gobbler, head cobbler, that ever since he was a young boy footwear has fascinated him. He allegedly went on to say that when he stops being prime minister he hopes to retrain as shoe-repairer… or failing that work in a shoe shop. You heard it here first! Christine Batley. Chief Sole Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) David Cameron pointing out the skillfulness of shoe-repairs earlier today

Mrs Princess Middleton Leaves Local Hospital With Baby Princess Gloria

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Breaking News…. Mrs Kate Princess Middleton has just left Beckworth General Hospital with her baby girl (likely to be named Princess Gloria) in a hire car driven by the baby’s father Prince William. A palace insider has told me that the happy couple are planning on grabbing a “Family Gutbucket” take-out from the recently re-opened Ken Tucker’s Fried Chicken cafe on the way home…. I’ll tell all as I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Proud parents Prince William and Princess Kate of Middleton leave hospital with their baby daughter Princess Gloria

Mrs Princess Middleton Gives Birth At Local Hospital

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Breaking News…. Mrs Kate Princess Middleton has just given birth to a baby in Beckworth General Hospital and she’s a girl (so a real Princess like her Mum and Dad). A palace insider has told me she’s likely to be named Gloria after her father’s Godmum Gloria Hunniford…. I’ll tell all as I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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Mrs Princess Middleton To Vote Labour At Local Hospital

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Water-breakage news just in… It is with a joyous heart that I can report that this morning, at 7.45 local time, the Duke and Duchess of Middleton booked into Beckworth General Hospital as Mrs Kate has gone into labour. A hospital source said Princess Middleton‘s waters had broken on a visit to Lidl and she looked radiant as her husband Prince William had porters transport them both on trolleys to the newly cleaned maternity wing. Members of the Royal family and parliament are expected to attend the birth and have already started arriving. Many, like the Queen and Duke Phillip of Greece, have come on horse back. According to tradition all members of court will be present at the birth of the future Prince/Princess and portaloos have been installed in the hospital car park so the VIPs have somewhere to rest between contractions. Kate and Williams’ favourite entertainers Michael Mcintyre and Lenny Henry are said to be unavailable to perform as court jesters and so Jo brand has been drafted in at the last moment. As is customary at state occasions Sue Perkins and David Mitchell will be on hand to add extra gravitas and ensure blanket media coverage, with Mrs Kate’s Uncle Boris Johnson installed at the foot of the bed to keep the world posted on twitter, contraction by contraction. And for those of you who prefer your graphic details in more than 140 characters I will keep you informed about the birth utilising the many “spies” I have at Princess Middleton’s bedside in the hospital. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Funny Jo Brand knitting baby booties whilst telling jokes to the Royal couple

Chicken Shop Condemned By Health Inspectors

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Harrowing haute cuisine news just in. Popular local chicken cafe “Ken Tucker’s Fried Chicken” was yesterday closed down by Health Inspectors after repeated (alleged) cases of food poisonings. Mr Tucker told me to “push off” when I cornered him in the pub last night but not before saying “it’s a ruddy witch hunt, I treat them chickens better than my kids. I rear them in cages in my garage, feed them grub I buy cheap from Poland and then shoot them myself. So they’re well looked after. Then my nephew, who learnt a bit of food hygiene in prison, cooks and freezes them.” If any of you have eaten Ken’s free-range chicken, and had loosened stools or vomiting as a consequence, we’d like to hear your graphic stories. Christine Batley. Chief Dodgy Poultry Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Ken’s garage where he lovingly hand-rears his chickens

Gastronomic Pioneer Pops His Clogs

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Sad news just in. The family of 76 year old Dave Ploughman have announced that the local gastro pioneer and alcoholic somnambulist passed away peacefully late last night whilst sleep walking down the high street. A very familiar sight in his dressing gown and slippers Dave was for years the landlord of Beckworth’s Blind Badger pub, and it was whilst running the bar and drinking it dry that he invented many wonderful food stuffs we now take for granted. His protege Heston Blumenthal said on hearing the tragic news “The world will be a poorer place without Dave, but his dishes will live on. He invented pork scratchings, dry roasted nuts, scampi in a basket, to name just three but his culinary masterpiece is of course the Ploughman’s Lunch. It was originally just called Dave’s lunch, as he ate every day of his waking life.” holding back the tears he then added “It was Dave that inspired me to get into cooking and for that I will forever be in his debt.” I think I speak for us all when I say that heaven has gained a wonderful snack-making angel in Mr Ploughman. Christine Batley. Chief Deceased Publican Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Dave Ploughman’s signature lunch time dish

Eldest Beckham Boy Signs Pants Modelling Deal

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Underwear news just in… Proud parents, and local novelty-gift shop owners, Dave and Vicky Beckham have just announced in a rambling text message that their eldest son, Peckham Beckham, has landed his first two-figure modelling deal. Beckham Jnr, aged 17 and studying cake decorating at catering college, is to be the 2015 face, or rather arse, of Kevin Kline‘s very snug pants and builder’s bum jeans. His father Dave emailed me the picture (see below) and proudly added “he really takes after his old man in the package and buns department, so showing off Kev’s pants and strides is really up his street.” I couldn’t agree more and will post more revealing pictures of Peckham if i can get them!!! Christine Batley. Chief Very Brief Briefs And Super Tight Denim Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Peckham Beckham modelling Kevin Kline pants earlier today

Local Residents Honoured In New Years Honours

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Breaking Royal news just in… The Queen has just announced in a tweet that a number of Beckworth’s residents are to be honoured in the coming year. Local school dinner lady Victoria Wood is to be made a CBE for her services to school dinners and for tirelessly campaigning to reintroduce fried-food to children’s diets, lifelong Labour party member Reg Peshawar is to made an MBE, arms dealing multi-billionaire and disgraced ex-Conservative MP Timothy Leamington-Spa is to be made a life peer, Conservative donors Hilary Chelsea-Bridge, Lloyd Hedge-Fund, and Felicity Mikhaylov all receive well earned OBEs and local Liberal Democrat councillor Tiffanie Alcester is to be given a book-token for her services to Nick Clegg. I’ll keep you posted if i get more news… Happy New Year Christine Batley. Chief Honours For Sale Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Local CBE winning dinner lady Victoria Wood earlier today

Boxing Day Riots

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Seasonal news just in… Boxing Day wouldn’t be our favourite day of Christmas if shops didn’t have sales. Especially sales that cause us dedicated shoppers to queue for days in advance for. Who of us hasn’t foregone hanging a stocking for the kids, missed the Queen‘s speech or that lovely Christmas dinner with family to camp out and bag a bargain? These are minor sacrifices to make when you can get £20 off a discontinued TV or slightly soiled nighty on the 26th of December. Such bargain hunters, myself included, were out in force earlier today when our local 99pLand opened it’s doors at 3am to let lucky punters fulfill their wishes. The scene typically turned ugly, with a dozen or so tired shoppers fighting over the most wanted sale item, a partially opened box of  2012 One Direction crackers. But I am glad to say that after patiently waiting in line for 6 days and hospitalising an elderly couple yours truly triumphed. I can now settle down to enjoy a belated Christmas. Christine Batley. Chief Battling In The Boxing Day Sale Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Shoppers rush into 99pLand to grab some Boxing Day bargains

New Ruling On Massage Parlours And Page 3 Models

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News just in… New rulings passed down by the European Court Of Human Rights today will have far reaching repercussions to anyone in the sex-trade, artists models, page 3 stunners and workers in legit massage parlours. The court has passed a law that decrees that no one in the UK can be naked (or semi-naked, top or bottom) whilst in the presence of a working person, especially if that person is engaged in manual labour, as this would violate their human rights and probably make them blush. Initial outlines of the rule sates that clients having a massage will be instructed to wear coats and big jumpers whilst their masseur gets hands on and (semi-)nude models will have to pose under sheets or thick wool blankets. The rules on how strippers can “perform” is said to still be under review with a guide to follow in the new year. It goes without saying that naturists will only run fowl of this legislation if they try to enter a shop or workplace minus clothes or engage any street sweepers in conversation. I will of course keep you informed when I find out more about how this draconian new law will effect us all. Christine Batley. Chief No-More Nudes At Work Or In Shops Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Today’s court ruling could mean that in the future Nude Statues will also be required to cover up in public