Baby Name Fever

Posted on 22/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. To make the time pass quicker whilst I pace the floor in my sweltering kitchen waiting for dear Kate Middleton to give birth to our future heir, I’ve popped onto the internet to see what baby names the nation are betting William and Kate will give to their child. Most popular girls name at 2/1 is Elizabeth, and boys top choice at 3/1 is Darren. The other most popular choices are Kylie, Roxanne-Chantelle, Krystalle and Gladys if it’s a girl, and Rory, D-Wayne, Oral-B and Nathan if it’s a boy. But little known Royal protocol actually dictates that the baby must be named after the parents favourite singer (or minstrel as it was in ancient days). William was of course named after his mother’s favourite Take That star Robbie Williams and brother Harry in honour of his father’s favourite Harry Secombe (although due to misspelling he was actually christened Henry). It is therefore most likely that the child will be named Chris or Martin (Coldplay are a big Royal favourite) or Beyonce Knowles. I’ve placed a five pound bet on the latter as the odds are so good, but keep that to yourself. Anyway, I will keep you informed about the birth as soon as I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The Royal baby’s likely namesake, Beyonce Knowles

Royal Baby On It’s Way

Posted on 22/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. It is with a joyous heart that I can report that this morning, at 5.45 local time, the Duke and Duchess of Wales booked into Beckworth General Hospital as Mrs Wales has gone into labour. A hospital source said Kate Middleton was fully dilated and looked radient as her husband Prince William got porters to transport them both in wheelchairs to the newly painted maternity wing. All morning the Royal family and members of court and parliament have arrived in hired minibuses to attend the birth. According to tradition all will be present at the birth of the future monarch and to accommadte them specially rented portacabins have been installed in the hospital car park. Kate and Williams favourite entertainers Michael Mcintyre and Lenny Henry will keep her distracted during the birth, as court jesters have done for centuries, and of course Sue Perkins and David Mitchell will be there to give the occassion extra gravitas and ensure blanket media coverage. Friend of the Royal couple Steven Fry has been installed at the foot of the bed and will keep the world posted on twitter, contraction by contraction. And for those of you who prefer your graphic details in more than 140 characters I will keep you informed about the birth utilising the many “spies” I have at Mrs Wales bedside in the hospital. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The Queen and members of the Royal household arriving at Beckworth hospital

Dragons Den Loses Popular Duvet

Posted on 15/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all, just thought i’d keep you up to date with the hottest breaking news in Television. I’m shocked to discover that ex-fork lift driver, and local celeb, Hilary Duvet left the popular reality TV series Dragon’s Den last year and no-one noticed. Mrs Duvet was a hugely popular old dragon, with her constant swearing, sarcastic wit and iconic hairstyles, yet she only lasted one series before allegedly running out money. The programme, set in a disused tree-house, follows the real-life comedy capers of five happless millionaires and their quest to find the next successful cooking sauce with a Jamaican music based flavour. During the filming of the programme’s 38th series an inconsolable fellow dragon, who prefered not to be named, was quoted as saying “I’m ******* gutted,” before adding through the tears “She still owes me a fiver for fags.” Thankfully Duncan Bannatyne cheered up when told that handsome dragon Peter Jones was owed £10. Hilary will be missed and we wish her every success in her TV and crane driving careers. Christine Batley. Chief TV Reporter. The Beckworth Guardian

(Above) “In happier times” Hilary Duvet during filming of Dragon’s Den

Terry Nutkin Statue Re-Stolen

Posted on 05/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Following yesterday’s shocking adjournment of The Nutkin Statue v Penge case (due to TV’s Ian McShane dropping the evidence) the trial has taken another unforseen twist today. This morning the prosecution went to show the court the stolen Nutkin Statue and found it had been re-stolen over night. It was last seen when Mr Shane’s fellow court usher (ex-singing sensation) Gareth Gates put it in a broom cupboard for safe keeping whilst he went to buy glue to repair the broken statue model of said Terence Nutkin. Once again the partially full courtroom erupted with shock and the case adjourned for a second time. The most likely culprit is the defendant, Mr Penge, who almost certainly stole it the first time and has been in custody ever since. I am told by a Police source he has been subjected to a humiliating strip search and although all cavities were thoroughly explored the 12″ staue has yet to be found. I will keep you informed about the case which will be reconvened when the little Terry Nutkin is found. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. The Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The broken, and now re-stolen, miniature Nutkin statue model

Uproar As Terry Nutkin Thief In Court

Posted on 04/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. All hell broke loose today at the Beckworth Court Rooms during the first appearance of Mr Ned Penge, caretaker at Beckworth Town Hall and alleged thief of the priceless 12″ model of the town’s proposed Terence Nutkin Statue. All was going swimmingly and the prosecution were all over his skinny white ass, as they say in the movies. Well let’s face it, the evidence against him is pretty strong as the statue was found in his locker next to a half drunk bottle of gin and some cigarette papers, suggesting he is an alcoholic drug user looking for his next fix. He also looked very guilty stood in the dock. As I say the evidence was mounting up, quite literally, when the court produced the said statue. Unfortunately the court usher handling it (Ex-TV “Lovejoy” legend Ian McShane) had a hay-fever induced sneezing fit and dropped the expensive work of art, breaking off one of it’s arms. There was uproar from the half-packed court room and the case had to be adjourned whilst someone went to buy some glue. Poor Mr McShane looked visibly shaken and was helped to a chair by a crack team of first-aiders. This harrowing case resumes tomorrow and I will let you know how long guilty Ned the Nutkin Nabber is sent down for! Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. Beckworth Guardian.

(Above) Ian McShane being attended to by trained first-aiders

Warren In My Sporran

Posted on 29/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just thought I’d share the great news that local TV company Livingstone Productions has been commissioned to make a second installment of it’s BAFTA winning children’s series Warren In My Sporran for BBC Scotland. For those of you who missed the first series Daniel Day Lewis stars as Warren, a deminutive adult vagrant who lives in the sporran of young Highland’s boy Angus MacDonald (ably played by Ronnie Corbett). The episodes follow Warren’s hilarious adventures in and out of Angus’s kilt, with many scenes shot in and around Beckworth. Well done to all at Livingstones! Christine Batley. Chief Television & Film Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Method actor Daniel Day Lewis stars as the small tramp Warren who makes his home in young Angus MacDonald’s sporran

Today At Wimbledon

Posted on 28/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Don’t forget to switch your telly over to Wimbledon today as local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford is playing on Court No3. He is playing young Austrian hopeful Jurgen Melzer and after Corky’s amazing trouncing of Roger Federer in the second round it promises to be a nail-biting match. Partially-sighted 89 year old Lionel is the third oldest ranked tennis player in the world (ranked 542) and he only took up the game aged 66 upon retirement from a career at WHSmiths. When interviewed, modest Mr Deptford put his extraordinary win over Federer down to the wonders of viagra, a lifetime of eating red meat, regular sex and the fact that he was a much better player than Roger. Fingers crossed Corky annihilates Melzer today, it would be wonderful to see an all British final with Lionel v Murray next week. Here’s hoping! Christine Batley. Chief Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) “New balls please”
Corky warms up at Wimbledon before today’s match

Local Lass A Shoe-In For New Who

Posted on 14/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Big news in Beckworth is the rumour that local girl, and the voice of Iceland, Kerry Katona, is the BBC’s favoured actress to play the next Dr Who. Kerry, a fine singer, actress and party hostess (with her own line of small party nibbles) has been quoted as saying “They’d be ****in’ crazy not to choose me. I’ve got the ****in’ lot. The looks, the brains and I could sing all those ****in’ aliens to death” Let’s hope the BBC announce Ms Katona’s appointment very soon as she’s already out spending her potential earnings.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A paparazzi snap of Kerry allegedly modelling Dr Who’s new look on set

Filming In Beckworth

Posted on 03/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all, the more observant of you (no offence to the visually impaired) will probably have noticed large vans blocking the way on Right Said Fred Lane, with cables trailing dangerously along the pavement into Carnaby Cottage, home to star of stage and screen, Paul Weller. Why you ask? Because this week Beckworth is honoured to see the filming of a new TV action series called Cash In The Cupboard (a very low-budget spin-off, from the bafta-award winning series Cash In The Attic, being made for Dave TV). An insider from the series (one of the drivers) says that Paul is looking to raise about £525 for a family holiday in Benidorm by auctioning off tat from his sideboard. I for one can’t wait to see the programme, and wish Mr Weller good luck on trying to raise that cash.

Christine Batley. Chief TV & Film Reporter. Beckworth Guardian.

(Above) Paul Weller on set with Cash In The Cupboard presenter Sir David Dickinson

Local Hero Is Front Runner To Be The New Dr Who

Posted on 03/06/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking news: Bookies are placing SAS commando, and local hunky celeb, Ross Kemp as a 2 to 1 favourite to be the next Dr Who. Mr Kemp has been quoted as saying “I’d add grittiness and aggression to the role, plus i’ve got a great idea for his next look.”

Ross went on to say “We’ve not had a shaven headed hero playing the doc yet and my military training would make me ideal for taking out aliens from all parts of the galaxy, especially if Dr Who traded-in that knackered tardis for a well-armed time-travelling tank.” So let’s hope the BBC do the right thing and use licence fees to sign up the very talented and gorgeous Mr Kemp.

Christine Batley. Chief Showbiz Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The look of the next Dr Who as imagined by Ross Kemp

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: Christine Batley