Do You Know A Good Hangover Cure Brian Cox?

Posted on 19/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello to all my devoted followers and my beloved hairdresser. Beautiful Professor Brian here to answer your New Year’s question “Is There A Cure For A Hangover?” I’ll keep this brief as for some unknown reason i’ve got a really bad headache and a bout of nausea… When our prehistoric ancestors invented alcohol as a way of forgetting their woes (noisy dinosaurs flattening their mud huts, mammoths eating the family etc) they accidentally gave the world the hangover. For millennia cultures have searched for an elusive remedy… But after 3 or 4 weeks of non-stop hands-on research on behalf of all humankind I’ve discovered that the best cure for a hangover is (drum roll please while i flick my luscious fringe)… to just carry on drinking through the next day… and the next.

So, in the spirit of scientific discovery I’m rushing off to meet my close friends from Top Gear in the wine bar for a shandy or three. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

(Above) Professor Cox’s drinking buddy Clarky Clarkson gets the first round in earlier today, who alongside Andy Hamster and Jimmy May are researching hangovers

Gastronomic Pioneer Pops His Clogs

Posted on 16/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Sad news just in. The family of 76 year old Dave Ploughman have announced that the local gastro pioneer and alcoholic somnambulist passed away peacefully late last night whilst sleep walking down the high street. A very familiar sight in his dressing gown and slippers Dave was for years the landlord of Beckworth’s Blind Badger pub, and it was whilst running the bar and drinking it dry that he invented many wonderful food stuffs we now take for granted. His protege Heston Blumenthal said on hearing the tragic news “The world will be a poorer place without Dave, but his dishes will live on. He invented pork scratchings, dry roasted nuts, scampi in a basket, to name just three but his culinary masterpiece is of course the Ploughman’s Lunch. It was originally just called Dave’s lunch, as he ate every day of his waking life.” holding back the tears he then added “It was Dave that inspired me to get into cooking and for that I will forever be in his debt.” I think I speak for us all when I say that heaven has gained a wonderful snack-making angel in Mr Ploughman. Christine Batley. Chief Deceased Publican Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Dave Ploughman’s signature lunch time dish

Naturists Plea For Cleanliness

Posted on 14/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I wonder if you can help? The members of your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are on the look-out for a replacement window cleaner. Roger, our regular naked window cleaning operative, is currently in hospital with pneumonia and so we need to find a nude replacement asap. Local pigeons have made a right mess of my close friend Wayne’s green house and we’re hosting a naturist’s tea party in it this Sunday. If anyone knows a buff cleaner please contact me in person before the weekend (the naturists meet at the scout hut every Thursday evening from 9pm). Thank you, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

(Above) Roger the window cleaner in action last year

New Shop Opens On Our Thriving High Street

Posted on 14/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I just thought i’d let you know the good news that a new shop is opening this Saturday on the high street, and bucking the nationwide trend it’s not a betting shop, charity emporium nor a payday loan shark outlet. Nestling between the builder’s merchants and the undertakers on the site of the condemned cinema, the new retailer will be the county’s first ladle superstore. Called Len’s Ladle Superstore the shop is local dance teacher, and kitchen utensil expert, Len Goodman‘s first foray into shopkeeping and we wish him well. Len has been quoted as saying “I saw a gap in the market when i tried to buy a set of ladles as a wedding present for a friend and found nowhere locally sold them… So my superstore will fill the void.” Cutting the ribbon at the opening will be Len’s best friend Bruno Tonioli himself a dab hand with cooking ephemera. I think Len’s “big spoon shop” will at last put Beckworth on the catering supplies map which is great news for the local economy. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

(Above) A very excited Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman model ladles from the soon to be available stock at Len’s Ladle Superstore

Why Do We Have New Years Day Brian Cox?

Posted on 11/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Professor Brian here to answer a query left hanging around since the beginning of 2015. Many of you asked “Why do we have a New Year’s Day?” and I promised to tell you (and I’ve not forgotten my promise to find a hangover cure. Rest assured i’m conducting a lot of hands on research on your behalf).

Like many things we take for granted we need to thank the Roman’s for having New Year’s Day. It was invented by a Roman general in the 1st century AD as a response to the ancient Greeks who’d recently invented New Year’s Eve and in doing so had gained a reputation as being popular party people. The general, named Partimus Drunkimus, never got invited to these January 31st night-time gatherings and so drew up plans and recipes for his own day of merriment, games, food and beverages. These quickly caught on throughout the Western World, especially his game of musical statues and his cocktail Brandy Alexandra (named in honour of Alexander The Great), which we continue to enjoy to this day. So because of jealousy we now have both New Years Day and Eve to enjoy… See you soon to discuss hangovers, in the meantime I’m rushing off to meet my best friend Boris Johnson in the pub for a game of darts. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

(Above) A statue of Partimus Drunkimus clutching the brandy alexandra he invented

Eldest Beckham Boy Signs Pants Modelling Deal

Posted on 09/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Underwear news just in… Proud parents, and local novelty-gift shop owners, Dave and Vicky Beckham have just announced in a rambling text message that their eldest son, Peckham Beckham, has landed his first two-figure modelling deal. Beckham Jnr, aged 17 and studying cake decorating at catering college, is to be the 2015 face, or rather arse, of Kevin Kline‘s very snug pants and builder’s bum jeans. His father Dave emailed me the picture (see below) and proudly added “he really takes after his old man in the package and buns department, so showing off Kev’s pants and strides is really up his street.” I couldn’t agree more and will post more revealing pictures of Peckham if i can get them!!! Christine Batley. Chief Very Brief Briefs And Super Tight Denim Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Peckham Beckham modelling Kevin Kline pants earlier today

The King’s Birthday Party

Posted on 08/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Today is a wonderful day for fans of popular music as it’s Elvis “The King” Presley‘s 80th birthday, and to celebrate tomorrow we’re hosting a birthday party in his honour. We’ve three top acts performing and top DJ Nick Grimshaw spinning fab rock n roll records he’s borrowing from his nan. Headline act will be the world’s oldest Elvis tribute act, 92 year old Elvis Grisley with support acts Shawn Waddywaddy (One man Scottish Showaddywaddy tribute act) and Welsh language rocker, and owner of Green Door Replacement Doors and Windows, Shakin’ Stevens. The party kicks off at 7.30 and entry is only £19.50 on the door which includes a finger buffet and discounted alcopops. There is ample parking outside for zimmer frames and mobility scooters so come on down and get jiving. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

(Above) Elvis Grisley “in action” recently

New Years Promise…

Posted on 05/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all and happy Monday to all my legions of fans and followers. Professor Brian here, and as promised I’m going to answer your queries about New Year’s Day and hangover cures… But unfortunately it won’t be today as i’m feeling a bit light-headed and giddy from spending an enlightening weekend with my new closest friends Status Quo. So hold tight a wee bit longer and i’ll tell all asap. Promise.

In the meantime I’m off to have my beautiful hair brushed by my celebrity hairdresser Reg Sassoon in the high street. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

(Above) Professor Brian Cox’s best friends Status Quo posing in their garage earlier today

Panto Postponed Until Next Week

Posted on 02/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Many apologies but this weekend’s performances of our pantomime Jamie Oliver In Fairy Liquid Land are being postponed due to the main female character (Baron Wurst) being taken poorly just hours after last night’s show. Leading (wo)man Benjamin Cumberland (star of Dr Who and famed sausage heir) was struck down in the green room with a case of the sniffles and has taken to her/his bed. Unfortunately his/her understudy, Vanessa Feltz is away on holiday so is unable to step into the breach until Monday at the soonest. Sorry for any inconvenience. Tickets for the cancelled performances will probably be valid for future shows. If not tickets are available on the door for this sold out show. Thanks Chico (producer)

(Above) Ben Cumberland dressed as Baron Wurst early yesterday

Why Do We Have New Years Day… And Is There A Cure For A New Year’s Eve Hangover?

Posted on 01/01/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all and happy New Year to all my fans and scholars. Professor Brian here, and (due to contractual agreement) I’ve been asked to answer a query from those of you who don’t have my huge capacity for knowledge or my natural handsomeness and lovely hair. Today’s question has been emailed, texted and shouted at me by dozens of you recently… “Why do we have a New Year’s Day? And Is There A Cure For A New Year’s Eve Hangover?” Funilly enough, this is the fourth most asked question I get asked whilst out and about shopping in town and so know the answer without looking it up (for those interested the most common enquiry I get is “Why is the earth round?” Second; “How long is a piece of string?” And the third “Can you get that tin down off the top shelf for me please”).

In a break from tradition I’m going to answer this question in two parts, so you dear general public can take it all on board. Also, neither of them will be explained here today as i’m still feeling a bit “reupholstered” from seeing in 2015 with my dear friends from the cast of Downton Abbey and Holby. So hold tight a few more hours, or more likely days, and i’ll tell all asap. Promise.

In the meantime I’m rushing off to meet my close friends Take That in the Sainsco Cafe. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

(Above) Sir Brian Cox’s close friends Take That pictured with some 2nd hand bargains they’d bought earlier today at the church hall jumble sale

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings