Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth

Apprentice In The Pub

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Dear all. I hope you all caught the first episode of The Apprentice last night which my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was starring in it. Jack didn’t feature too much in the programme due to clever editting, and the fact that genius Jack spent most of the task (which would have involved him dressing as a hotdog) by staying in the pub with Nick Hewer and Lord Sugar. My cousin’s tactic is to keep a low profile, befriend the “judges” and therefore keep out of the boardroom. Jack sent me a sneaky text last night saying Mr Sugar is actually a top bloke in real life and bought Jack and Nick drinks and fags all day. He’s also quite small in real life and needed a step ladder to get onto his bar stall. Anyway, keep your eyes peeled for Jack next week, though if there’s hard work involved you’ll no doubt find him back in the pub with Nick and Alan!

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, business partner and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Sir Sugar orders another round of drinks earlier today for his BFF’s Jack and Nick

Local Lad On The Apprentice

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Dear all. Don’t go anywhere without a telly tonight as my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo will be starring in the new series of The Apprentice. This is the sixth year Jack has tried to get on the programme and his stalking Sir Sugar has finally paid off. Fingers crossed Jack wins as the prize is about a million quid, which would pay off most of Jack’s “loans” and get us on a World cruise.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, business partner and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) This years’ hopeful Apprentices prepare for the new series which starts tonight

Take Off Bake Off

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Dear all. Going by all the emails and letters i’ve been getting you are all still as outraged as me that my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was booted off The Great British Bake Off last week. Many of us (including the hosts of the show) lost money at the bookies over it. Jack really should be on telly tonight winning the final, not watching it in the pub whilst drowning his sorrows. I’m thinking of starting a campaign to have the programme taken off air tonight such is my disgust at Jack’s treatment. And he was such a sure winner that the TV Times still have him on the cover of this week’s issue! Always the optimist Jack has got onto The Apprentice next week, and has applied for Dragon’s Den (though he’s not got an invention yet) and Grand Designs (he’s thinking of repainting his shed). So you’ll see plenty of Jack on TV as of next Wednesday.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)Beckworth_TV_Times_Mag

(Above) The TV Times which accidentally still features would-be winner Jack (just above the vicar in Grantchester)

Who Invented Gravity?

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Hello all and happy autumn. Professor Brian here, and once again I’ve been asked to help those of you who don’t have my huge intelligence or good looks and great hair. Today, i’m answering a question emailed in from a Mr Arsene Wenger of North London and it’s one I get asked most harvest times. Arse says “Dear Brian. Yesterday I was sitting under a tree sheltering from the rain and a pear fell on my head. It got me thinking, who invented gravity and how long ago? I guess there was a time before it existed but history books don’t mention it. Please can you help? Yours, A Wenger”

Great question Mr Venger, but first may I suggest to you that you avoid sitting under a tree during a storm as it’s very dangerous (but that’s a story for another day). Also pears having nothing to do with the story of gravity… but amazingly another fruit does.
To find out when gravity was invented I had to do a lot of research and found myself in Beckworth library reading about the middle ages (i’m not sure what they were in the middle of yet, but with my inteligence i’m bound to find out).

I discovered a dusty old book called an Encyclopedia which explained that gravity hadn’t always existed and was invented some time between 1200AD and the out-break of World War One (some chapters were missing from the book so an exact date is beyond me). I did find out that it’s inventor was a Mr Sir Ian Newton. He was a scientist like me, but as he hasn’t played in a 1980s pop band as I have, you may not have heard of him. Anyway, one autumn day after hard day being scientific Mr Newton was resting under a tree when an apple (probably a Cox) fell on his head. Being very clever like me he got to thinking about apples and trees and stuff. He spent years (and lots of juicy apples) experimenting and soon had invented gravity. Although we now take it pretty much for granted it wasn’t until years after Newton’s death that gravity was accepted as existing. So poor old Mr Sir Ian never knew how his invention would enrich human lives, and make us very wary of resting in orchards. I hope that answers your question Arse.

With his fact complete I’m rushing off to meet my close friends Spandau Ballet in the Sainsco Cafe. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

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(Above) Dr Cox tries to get to grips with an apple whilst explaining gravity earlier today

Pantomime Auditions This Week

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Pantomime season is just around the corner and in the spirit of Christmas The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for some very minor parts in this year’s theatrical extravaganza. This Thursday we will start looking for fresh talent for our much anticipated 2014 panto. Is this you? For five nights around Christmas we will be putting on an original festive performance very loosely based on the Charles Dicken’s film Oliver and the life and recipes of the nations favourite TV chef, Jamie Oliver OBE. The panto, titled Jamie Oliver In Fairy Liquid Land, was written by Jamie himself (with help from his close friend Gordon Ramsay) and Mr Oliver will direct and produce the performance. Sponsored by Fairy Liquid (a chef’s best friend) the script promises, in Jamie’s words, to be Pucker! And who are we to doubt him? All the good parts have already been taken by key members of The Beckworth Players, with local busking singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran set to play Jamie and Eastenders‘ Dot Cotton (aka June Brown) playing his long suffering, ever pregnant wife, Jools. But we will still need new talent members for the boring non-speaking parts, the odd dance and cooking routine and to sell Jamie’s food in the interval. As usual auditions will be held in our rehearsal space above Chiswicks The Fishmongers and are open to almost anyone. But let’s face it we’re really looking for gorgeous, slim, young people, so if you’re past your sell by date or need a fork-lift to use the loo don’t waste our time. Jamie says he wants to find the next Olly Murs and Cheryl Cole (or whatever she’s called these days) preferably with catering skills. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own chef’s knives.

See you Thursday, Chico (producer)

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(Above) Local busker Ed Sheeran hears he is to play Jamie Oliver this Christmas

Back To Work & I’m Clueless

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Hello. I’ve had an interesting couple of months whilst I was suspended from duties, I had a well earnt holiday in Ibiza and caught up on daytime telly. I occasionally attended court due to being the arresting officer (and unofficially the lead detective) in the obscene vegetable case. But now that’s finished i’m back out on the beat looking for clues in the Stag Do Massacre case. PC Rozzer has tried his hardest running the case single-handed (or pawed as he’s a dog) but he’s only unearthed bones so far. If you do find any clues CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, but you may not catch me in as PC Rozzer and I are currently trying to get fit and have taken up jogging. But I’ll keep you posted on murder developments when I can. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.

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(Above) Me relaxing on holiday in Ibiza whilst suspended from the force on full pay

Outrage On Bake-Off

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Dear all. I’m sure you are all as outraged as me that my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was booted off The Great British Bake Off semi-final last night, especially as he was tipped by bookies and the show’s hosts to win. Jack was forcibly ejected from the tent by producers for the trumped up charge of being drunk in charge of a blender and trying to steal other contestants “showstoppers”. Rumour is Mary Berry and her son Paul Dollywood had to be given incentives to carry on with the show such was their admiration for Jack. A hungover Jack rang me from his bed to say he’s not going to take this lying down and may well sue, but in the meantime he’s going to try his hand once again on the X-Factor and apply to be on Come Dine With Me. So you’ll see plenty of Jack on TV this year, which is a blessing.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) A visibly upset Mary Berry on hearing of Jack’s swift exit from Bake Off

Large Bust Unveiled To Public Astonishment

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Big news just in. Today saw the public unveiling of the long delayed Noddy Holder statue, sited close to the sewage works. There were audible gasps from the crowd when they saw the concrete bust, as it is 15′ taller than expected due to a confusion whereby the sculptor used inches not centimeters. The honour of unveiling went to local mobile disco DJ Dale Winton who has campaigned long and hard over the past 40 years to have a permanent monument erected in honour of the local Slade singer made good. “Noddy’s done so much putting glam rock on the map” said Mr Winton over a crafty fag “So I thought he deserved a statue. Or at the very least a bus shelter named after him” Dale then continued “Ideally i’d like statues put up of all the 1970′s glam pop pioneers, Bolan, Bowie, Status Quo, The Nolans and will continue to fund raise with this aim in mind” You can donate money to Dale’s cause at his website. Christine Batley. Chief Huge Statue Correspondent. Beckworth GuardianBeckworth_Noddy_Holder_Statue

Veg Man Get’s Let Off Growing Phallic Veg

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Breaking national news. Local amateur horticulturalist, Clifford Pinner, has been cleared of all charges made against him in this landmark indecency trial. Mr Pinner was arrested earlier this year when he was found to be growing “rude” fruit and vegetables on his allotment. After a tip off from a concerned neighbour armed Police searched Mr Pinner’s plot and confiscated various offensive growths, including large penis shaped marrows, breast like melons, a potato which looked like a bottom and small tomatoes that could have been mistaken for testicles according to Police testimony. After a case lasting almost two months, and costing almost £2 million, Mr Pinner was relieved to be let off with just a caution. He now hopes to get back to growing his au naturel shaped organic fruits and vegetables without fear of prosecution. Well done to Mr Pinner, and good luck to local Police who hope to appeal the case. Christine Batley. Chief Naughty Foodstuff Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) One of the defendant’s allegedly “rude” vegetables on which the case hinged

Bake-Off Star Missing In Action

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Dear all. Just a quick update on The Great British Bake Off for those following my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo, the gifted singer and entertainer. The observant amongst you will probably notice his absence from tonight’s episode. This was due to Jack helping the police with their enquiries when tonight’s programme was filmed. But the show’s very understanding producers have allowed Jack to stay in the competition. It’s fortunate that amateur photographer Jack had some very “interesting” photos of people associated with the programme and he used these as his “get out of jail free” card. Mary Berry and her son Paul Lollywood have said they are chuffed to bits that non-talented Jack is still in the running to win Bake Off this year.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) Mary puts on a brave face but her son Paul is really missing contestant Jack this week