Diwali Celebrations Go Off With A Bang

Posted on 24/10/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. It was literally all “hands to the pump” last night when Diwali celebrations on the playing fields took an unfortunate turn for the worse. The impressive fireworks display, organised by Taylor Swift to publicise her new album, had drawn a crowd of tens of admirers when one of the fireworks went off course and landed on the portaloo outside the dentists. No one took any action as the plastic building smouldered but unbeknown to spectators who’d gathered to watch the smoke and flames the loo contained a lethal build up of methane, which after half an hour exploded. Luckily quick thinking Bim Gujranwala, the manager of the nearby 99p Land shop (who have ideal Diwali gifts on sale) rushed out with bottles of lemonade which he sold to bystanders who rapidly doused the fire. Well done to hero Bim. The devastation caused was minimal but windows close by shattered and one poor man’s wig blew into a tree (which the fire brigade promise to get down when they get their fire engine back from the garage). All in all the improvised “bonfire” was a splendid way to round off the evenings festival of light celebrations. Christine Batley. Chief Diwali Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The portaloo damaged by Dewali fireworks

A Second King’s Remains Found In Car Park

Posted on 18/10/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Who could have imagined that finding the remains of King Richard lll in a car park would ignite the whole country’s interest in archeology and parking bays. Digging up similar sites in search of buried monarchs has become the favoured past time of the dirty unemployed, but until now such digs have only led to prosecutions, for trespass and willful damage, with no dead bodies being found. That was until a few weeks ago when a local amateur “TimeTeam” took it upon themselves to start digging in Beckworth’s multi-storey car park. Much to everyone’s surprise on day six of the dig, just after team leader Vernon Kay‘s run in with Police over his use of abusive language, a body was found just beneath the surface of floor 3 near the lifts. The body was carefully exhumed using a JCB digger and a wheel barrow and taken to a posh university in Oxford or Cambridge or somewhere like that for tests. When the results came back this week everyone was astonished. The skeleton was found to be that of a 3’7″ tall female, who had died of flatulence at the age of 19, and is almost certainly that of King Henry Vlll. Henry is known, through court records, to have been a keen cross dresser and amateur ballet dancer, but it now appears that he was in fact a she. Because being a Queen in the 1600′s was frowned upon experts believe she took the name Henry and lived life as a bloke, with no one ever knowing until now (apart from his “wives” who he conveniently found ways of silencing). The head of the Church of England, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, was quoted as saying “God knows who we’ve got buried in Henry’s grave in Westminster Cathedral” before adding “we’ll probably have to dig it up and dump this ruddy interloper’s body somewhere else to make room for the real King… it’s going to be a major headache and ruin the polished stone floor.” So what a discovery on our doorstep, and it confirms historian Tony Robinson‘s belief that car parks were our ancestors favoured burial site for their Kings (and Queens). Channel Five are now planning a Joey Essex hosted documentary to be shown on Christmas Day. Christine Batley. Chief Dead Monarch Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The scientist’s facial reconstruction of King Henry III brings the monarch back to life and will be exhibited in the library near the broken water-fountain

Large Bust Unveiled To Public Astonishment

Posted on 28/09/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Big news just in. Today saw the public unveiling of the long delayed Noddy Holder statue, sited close to the sewage works. There were audible gasps from the crowd when they saw the concrete bust, as it is 15′ taller than expected due to a confusion whereby the sculptor used inches not centimeters. The honour of unveiling went to local mobile disco DJ Dale Winton who has campaigned long and hard over the past 40 years to have a permanent monument erected in honour of the local Slade singer made good. “Noddy’s done so much putting glam rock on the map” said Mr Winton over a crafty fag “So I thought he deserved a statue. Or at the very least a bus shelter named after him” Dale then continued “Ideally i’d like statues put up of all the 1970′s glam pop pioneers, Bolan, Bowie, Status Quo, The Nolans and will continue to fund raise with this aim in mind” You can donate money to Dale’s cause at his website. Christine Batley. Chief Huge Statue Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Veg Man Get’s Let Off Growing Phallic Veg

Posted on 27/09/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking national news. Local amateur horticulturalist, Clifford Pinner, has been cleared of all charges made against him in this landmark indecency trial. Mr Pinner was arrested earlier this year when he was found to be growing “rude” fruit and vegetables on his allotment. After a tip off from a concerned neighbour armed Police searched Mr Pinner’s plot and confiscated various offensive growths, including large penis shaped marrows, breast like melons, a potato which looked like a bottom and small tomatoes that could have been mistaken for testicles according to Police testimony. After a case lasting almost two months, and costing almost £2 million, Mr Pinner was relieved to be let off with just a caution. He now hopes to get back to growing his au naturel shaped organic fruits and vegetables without fear of prosecution. Well done to Mr Pinner, and good luck to local Police who hope to appeal the case. Christine Batley. Chief Naughty Foodstuff Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) One of the defendant’s allegedly “rude” vegetables on which the case hinged

Dawn French In Three-Sided Slip Up

Posted on 19/08/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

More exclusive triangle news just in. This morning, at the last day of the Triangle Show in Beckworth, owner and inventor at Dairylea Ms Dawn French accidentally let slip that at next year’s show she hopes to unveil a snack world first. A slide popped up during her talk about three-sided edibles showing that she is working with Swiss chocolatiers on a new cheese flavour Toblerone. She decined to comment further but i’m sure the world will be delighted to have Dairylea cheese in a bar. Christine Batley. Chief Cheese Based Confectionary Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) A bad artist’s impression of next year’s Dairylee Toblerone

World First At Triangle Show

Posted on 17/08/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

News exclusive just in. Today saw record crowds as dozens of enthusiasts attended the opening of Triangle Show in Beckworth and as promised Dawn French unveiled a world first. Local scientist and 1970s pop sensation Prof Brian Cox has discovered the universe’s first four sided triangle. Yes, you heard it here first, Mr Cox has found a microscopic three-sided structure from outer space, which has an additional fourth side. Brian told me over a Dairylea sandwich that “I only unearthed it due to a bet with Top Gear‘s Richard Hamster Hammond that triangles could have more than 3 sides… and so in between appearing on TV and playing with my band Ultavox I looked for an example everywhere.” Then he added “After 6 weeks of looking I found the four sided triangular atom in some space dust i’d got lying about.” He excitedly shook me by the shoulders and said “The discovery leads me to think that this unique atom may been the root of the big bang, or why dinosaurs disappeared. Our world can probably only handle three sides in a triangular structure and in our planet’s ancient past this fourth dimension has caused chaos and destruction, just like in Dr Who… So we’ll have to be very careful with this atom and keep it in a safe, or a shoe box… More sarnies?” So there you have it, a world first in Beckworth all thanks to a gambling Brian Cox. Enjoy the weekend, Christine Batley. Chief New Triangle Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The 4-sided trangular atom recently discovered by Brian Cox in some dust

Astrologers Descend On Beckworth

Posted on 09/08/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Great news just in. Some of the World’s greatest astrologers are spending the next few days camped out on Beckworth’s sports field in the hope of seeing a meteorite storm, or something starry, in the night sky. Famed astrology brothers Hugh and Russell Grant have arranged the “field trip” and even laid on tents and sleeping bags for the skyward looking nerdy experts. Russell explained to me over skinny latte and biscuits that “if the clouds clear tomorrow night we’ll see the Moon at it’s biggest and brightest as it will be in it’s closest position to earth.” I’m sorry to say I started to nod off as he carried on “And for the next few nights and Jupiter is rising in Uranus then Beckworth will probably have one of the best views in the Northern Hemisphere of a large meteor storm crashing to earth” I stirred and said that sounded scary but brother Hugh calmed my nerves by stroking my hair and saying “the meteors will most likely burn up on entry” before casually adding “but if they do crash to earth and cause a nuisence it will be New Zealand and Australia that will be in the firing line.” So if you have chance look up at the sky tonight and see if australasia is about to be wiped out. Christine Batley. Chief Star Spotting Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) An artist’s impression of tonight’s moon over Beckworth

Local Athlete Misses Out On Medal

Posted on 02/08/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Sad news, local resident Bethany Folkestone has finished second to last in the speed skipping at the Commonwealth games. Six year old Bethany is said to be very upset as she fell over twice and ended up with a knotted skipping rope. Thankfully Lord Seb Coe stepped in with words of encouragement for the crying Miss Folkestone and lent her a packet of travel tissues. Christine Batley. Chief Flustered Skippers Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Bethany’s discarded skipping rope in Glasgow earlier today

First Medal For Beckworth At Commonwealth Games

Posted on 26/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Great news, local residents and keen naturists Willy Belfast and Marge Bushey have won Beckworth’s first (bronze) medal at the Commonwealth games. The sexagenarian couple came third in the mixed-doubles 1000m tandem-cycling race earlier today and afterwards gave their trademark “mooning” lap of honour, to fervent shouts of encouragement from the Glasgow spectators. But it was touch and go whether they would be allowed onto the podium to accept their medal due to the cyclist’s state of undress. But Lord Seb Coe saved the day by lending the couple his spare pants and thus attired the ceremony went ahead. Christine Batley. Chief Naked Cycle Racing Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Bronze medalists Willi and Marge in action
(Their modesty has been electronically covered)

Third Time Unlucky For Iceland Land

Posted on 11/07/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Late last night the World famous Iceland foods themed Iceland Land Theme Park in Slocombe was once again struck by lightning, amazingly for the third time in a year. Most surprising is that during the night no one noticed there was even any rain let alone an electrical storm. The lightning caused fires which destroyed three very popular rides, which coincidentally had recently been closed down as unsafe by health and safety officials and were due for replacement. The owners were in the process of trying to raise the money for new frozen food themed rides at the time of the lightning strike. Luckily, thanks to insurance, finding the money will no longer be an issue. On hearing of the fire a spokesperson for onetime Iceland figurehead Kerry Katona said “Ms Katona is currently on holiday in Magaluf so it wasn’t her that set fire to the rides or nothing.” The theme park manager Ralf Little is keen to stress that 32% of the park is still open for business and that the cafe is now doing breakfasts as well as lunch. So it’s still an ideal destination for all the family this summer. Christine Batley. Chief Lightning Strike Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) An artist’s impression of lightning striking the amusement park last night

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Category Archives: The Beckworth Guardian