The Proclaimers Are Back From 500 Mile Walk For Charity

Posted on 17/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. Just to let you know that local singing duo The Proclaimers will be hosting a sing-along slide show and bring-and-buy sale tomorrow evening at the WI in Beckworth village hall. The identical twins, Reg and Rory McReid are just back from a sponsored 500 mile walk. They had intended it to be John O’Groats to Lands End by bike but someone stole their tandem just outside Wick. The brothers, who have been firm friends since meeting at school, have promised to regail us with rivetting stories of how they have combined running a successful bicycle repair shop with having a glittering pop career. Topics will include puncture repairs, saddle height adjustments and how to write songs about banal everyday events (who else could write a chart hit about receiving wrongly addressed airmail from the USA). Entry is only £25 and non-WI members are welcome. Providing refreshments in the interval will be father and son caterers Heston Blumenthal and Anthony Worrall-Thompson. See you tomorrow at 7.30 on the dot. Respectfully yours Francis Carshalton-Beeches. Chair. Beckworth WI.

(Above) The Proclaimer brothers back from their 500 mile sponsored walk

Dragons Den Loses Popular Duvet

Posted on 15/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all, just thought i’d keep you up to date with the hottest breaking news in Television. I’m shocked to discover that ex-fork lift driver, and local celeb, Hilary Duvet left the popular reality TV series Dragon’s Den last year and no-one noticed. Mrs Duvet was a hugely popular old dragon, with her constant swearing, sarcastic wit and iconic hairstyles, yet she only lasted one series before allegedly running out money. The programme, set in a disused tree-house, follows the real-life comedy capers of five happless millionaires and their quest to find the next successful cooking sauce with a Jamaican music based flavour. During the filming of the programme’s 38th series an inconsolable fellow dragon, who prefered not to be named, was quoted as saying “I’m ******* gutted,” before adding through the tears “She still owes me a fiver for fags.” Thankfully Duncan Bannatyne cheered up when told that handsome dragon Peter Jones was owed £10. Hilary will be missed and we wish her every success in her TV and crane driving careers. Christine Batley. Chief TV Reporter. The Beckworth Guardian

(Above) “In happier times” Hilary Duvet during filming of Dragon’s Den

Beckworth Star Spot: Richard Branson

Posted on 12/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

I’ve just seen Richard Branson, airline pilot and founder of the Branson Pickles empire, waiting to pick up a take-away from The Bamboo Caravan. He told me he was getting spring rolls, a number 36, a 42 plus a 89 with boiled rice and was so hungry he could eat a horse. Mr Branson was very chatty and not at all like a millionaire pickle magnate, he even left his Sun newspaper for me to read (though he’d torn out Page 3 girl Samantha from Bolton). What a top bloke. Thanks Gilbert

(Above) Mr Branson waiting to pick up his chinese take-away this lunch time

Guiness World Record For Local Naturist

Posted on 11/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all. I just wanted to share the amazing news that TV naturist, keen angler and local celeb, Chris Packham has this week entered the Guiness Book of World Records for the largest rod caught kipper. The six foot long fish weighed in at a massive 62 kg and was caught by Chris, with the help and encouragement of his best friend Daniel, in the River Winnet up near Ghandi’s Mill. Chris and Daniel were quoted as saying “Hey man, This Night Has Opened My Eyes. The biggest thing we’d ever caught before was a ruddy tractor tyre, but Dan is an optomist and kept saying Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want. So we kept on fishing for the elsusive big one” Asked if they were going to get the kipper stuffed and mounted a delighted Mr Chris Packham and Mr Daniel Owl replied “No way blood, me and Dan are gonna to eat the big b******!!” Well done to Chris and Daniel. Mayor Gary Grimsby

(Above) Chris and best friend Daniel just before they grilled the World’s largest kipper

Watch Out For Little Terence Nutkin

Posted on 11/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. It is with a heavy heart that I am once again putting out an appeal for the recovery of the town’s 12″ Terence Nutkin statue. The priceless plaster-of-paris model was made to visualise the full-scale statue, currently being carved out of bronze, and is said to be worth over £75. “It’s a unique little model, the only one in existence” says scuptor, and local celeb Chris Evans “I can easily knock up another, but it’ll cost the council over a grand.” Due to the nature of Nutkin’s disappearance from the Beckworth Courts Of Law I have commissioned a 21st century aid to find him. Local Police artist, and comedian, Rory Bremner has drawn an artists impression of the little Terry Nutkin and I will be leafletting the life-like image around Beckworth on my bike. Due to the seriousness of the crime the Police station will be open 24/7 for anyone keen to help with our enquiries (The station is of course closed on Saturday and Sunday and between 6pm and 9.30am on weekdays) . If you want to snitch on anyone about the crime, or have nicked it yourself, ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove. I’m all over this horrific case, so rest easy it will get solved without too much bloodshed. PC R Cowgrove

(Above) A police artists impression of the missing 12″ Terence Nutkin statue

All-Star Family Fortunes’ First Night

Posted on 09/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Just to say that The Beckworth Players new musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes – The Musical has its gala opening this Friday evening at 7.30. Written by local celeb and host of TV’s real-life All-Star Family Fortunes, Vernon Kay, the 4 hour play is a lighthearted look at celebrity and maringue addiction. It’s very funny and song heavy, with many original Vernon compositions. Many local celebrities are in the all-star All-Star Family Fortunes – The Musical cast including Graham Norton as Vernon Kay, Russell Brand as Ozzy Osborne (captain of the Osborne team), and Davina McCall as Pippa Middleton’s mother (captain of the Middleton team). The play is bound to be a roaring success as it has been directed by TV hardman Ross Kemp, who has brought all his SAS skills to the job. So see you Friday at The Slocombe Garden Centre Auditorium. Chico

(Above) The nail-biting dress rehearsal of All-Star Family Fortunes – The Musical

Beckworth Star Spot: Ant & Dec

Posted on 06/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

I’ve just seen the stars of television’s X-Factor, Ant & Dec, working as mystery shoppers. They went into 99p Land and then to the grocers and butchers, and “bought” a lot of cheap stuff, mostly from the out of date shelves. Thank you, Alan

(Above) Mystery shoppers Ant & Dec push home their haul of
past-the-sell-by-date goodies

Terry Nutkin Statue Re-Stolen

Posted on 05/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Following yesterday’s shocking adjournment of The Nutkin Statue v Penge case (due to TV’s Ian McShane dropping the evidence) the trial has taken another unforseen twist today. This morning the prosecution went to show the court the stolen Nutkin Statue and found it had been re-stolen over night. It was last seen when Mr Shane’s fellow court usher (ex-singing sensation) Gareth Gates put it in a broom cupboard for safe keeping whilst he went to buy glue to repair the broken statue model of said Terence Nutkin. Once again the partially full courtroom erupted with shock and the case adjourned for a second time. The most likely culprit is the defendant, Mr Penge, who almost certainly stole it the first time and has been in custody ever since. I am told by a Police source he has been subjected to a humiliating strip search and although all cavities were thoroughly explored the 12″ staue has yet to be found. I will keep you informed about the case which will be reconvened when the little Terry Nutkin is found. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. The Beckworth Guardian

(Above) The broken, and now re-stolen, miniature Nutkin statue model

Uproar As Terry Nutkin Thief In Court

Posted on 04/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. All hell broke loose today at the Beckworth Court Rooms during the first appearance of Mr Ned Penge, caretaker at Beckworth Town Hall and alleged thief of the priceless 12″ model of the town’s proposed Terence Nutkin Statue. All was going swimmingly and the prosecution were all over his skinny white ass, as they say in the movies. Well let’s face it, the evidence against him is pretty strong as the statue was found in his locker next to a half drunk bottle of gin and some cigarette papers, suggesting he is an alcoholic drug user looking for his next fix. He also looked very guilty stood in the dock. As I say the evidence was mounting up, quite literally, when the court produced the said statue. Unfortunately the court usher handling it (Ex-TV “Lovejoy” legend Ian McShane) had a hay-fever induced sneezing fit and dropped the expensive work of art, breaking off one of it’s arms. There was uproar from the half-packed court room and the case had to be adjourned whilst someone went to buy some glue. Poor Mr McShane looked visibly shaken and was helped to a chair by a crack team of first-aiders. This harrowing case resumes tomorrow and I will let you know how long guilty Ned the Nutkin Nabber is sent down for! Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. Beckworth Guardian.

(Above) Ian McShane being attended to by trained first-aiders

Professor Cox’s Did You Know This: Who Invented The Ring Binder?

Posted on 03/07/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello all, Brian here, and once I’m again using my vast knowledge of the universe to improve your lives. Today, i’m answering one of the BIG questions. The sort of questions that keep people awake at night. Who invented the ring-binder?
Well, we have to go back to the days of pre-history when plague, famine and foreigners were the scourge of the land, and battles between neighbouring countries were an everyday occurence. It was like the Vietnam war but without the choppers. Then one day a lady with a lamp, Florence Nightingale, happened upon the cause of all the conflicts. The European countries lacked convenient file storage. Whole continents were in turmoil over misfiled accounts and everyone wanted paying. Calmly Florence decided to give over her life to finding a solution. After six years of late nights (thankfully she had her lamp), poor health and many failed attempts she at last invented the ring-binder we know and love. Almost instantaneously countries adopted her filing system, and with invoices being paid on time there ceased to be a need for war. At a stroke Flo had invented world peace… That was until someone realised the need to invent the hole punch.

So there you go, another Did You Know This fact complete. I’m rushing off now as i’m giving Loyd Grossman a lift to the vets. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

(Above) Stationery heroine Florence Nightingale waiting at the Doctors
(Pictured without her lamp)

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings