Hello all, shocking news just in, five nights ago the Dick Van Dyke nursing home was burgled with many irreplaceable items being taken. Speaking on behalf of the home, matron Anne Widdecombe CBE, said the break-in only came to light this morning when someone noticed the residents were watching a blank wall where the telly had been. She went on to say many priceless artifacts were very likely stolen including some fake jewellery, a mink coat with the security-tag still on, an original Silver Jubilee Asda biscuit tin, a chipped china figure of ballerina wrestling a bear, a lovely new ipad and camera, the aforementioned big colour telly and a Mr Reginald Owen. Mrs Anne said the insurance company have been informed and were sending someone round on their bike. She also stressed how hard it will be to put a value on Mr Owen, although she would try, going on to mention a ballpark figure of £500,000 plus funeral expenses. “But Reg is priceless really. A real joy to push around in his wheelchair, the life and soul of the home. And it’s very out of character for Mr Owen to go out without his teeth in and his hat on.” she said over a mid-morning Gin “Hence the suspicion that he has also been stolen. Maybe there’ll be a reward for his safe return?” When pressed about him being a potential kidnap victim she added “He was always regaling us with tales about his mischievous Grandsons, Take That‘s Mark Owen and Eastenders’ Sid “Ricky” Owen. So his ransom could be worth a bob or two… Dead or alive!” Police are underplaying the break-in claiming “It is probably just an insurance scam, they’ve tried it twice before,” and dismissed Reg’s disappearance saying “He is probably locked in a toilet having been told to keep out of sight until the insurers pay-up.” Christine Batley. Chief Burglery and Potential Kidnap Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Take That’s Mark Owen who’s Granddad has been reported “stolen”